First Time Mommy!!!

Disappointed

2011-12-12T08:25:00.000-08:00

I think I expect too much or long for something that just doesn't happen in real life. I long for a church filled with friends that love me and are interested in my life. I long for a church that I can go to and never wanna leave because we are talking too much to all our wonderful friends. I long for a church where our friends call us and check in and see how life is going, especially when we are facing hard times. I long for a church where our friends would want to hand out outside of church, ask us to dinner and agree to come to our house to visit and have dinner. I long for a church filled with people that care about us.

I love my church. Well I love most things about my church. I love that it is big. I love that they preach to the unchurched. I love that my pastor uses his everyday struggles and life to express what he is trying to preach. I love that we get warm smiles and welcomes as we come in and that some of the ladies have fallen in love with Micah. I love that there is plenty of room to walk around and lots of comfy couches to sit in. I love that there is a fireplace and a private room to feed my baby, if I need. I love that many sermons are meant just for us, or just for me. I love that they don't pass the plate, instead we put our money in the boxes on the wall.

I have tried many things to get more involved and have more friends. I volunteered for about 6 months (until I was too pregnant to help anymore) serving coffee and it turned into a job where I met no one. I signed up for spiritual mentorship and I barely talk to her anymore and we never finished due to our completely different work schedules. I signed up to have a friend to walk with and she stopped answering my calls and texts after about 2 weeks. I found a Mothers Together group after I got pregnant and really got into it after I had Micah, it was great getting to know these ladies (well the little bit we were able to talk) but besides the days we met and the (what felt like forced) emails, they don't talk to me.

I feel most disappointed in Mothers Together. This year has been really rough on me because I had a baby and I had to learn how to be a mom and a wife and still be me. I also dealt with my little brother going to prison. I was completely open and honest with all the ladies and shared my struggles often, but I really never got a phone call or a surprise visit just to see how I was mantally. I feel like I was screaming for help and for love and all I got was the normal Wed worship where some take over the conversation and I fall back into the dinstance where no one can hear me. I know I can be a little hard to take sometimes, I have Micah with me all the time and now that I started working I can't go as much.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe what I do is not enough for them and they dont want to do for me. Maybe I am meant to be friendless and deal with my problems on my own.

There was a time where I thought we were going to get divorced and somehow I ran into a ladie at church that prayed for me. I love that she did take her time to listen to me. But I feel like, I wish, she would have taken the time to send me a follow up email or call me sometime in that mess and check on me. I was 3 months pregnant and struggling with life and marriage. I could have used a friend to just check in.

I really do not know what is wrong with me that people dont or wont give me the time of day. I would love to make some awesome friends at church but I guess it just isnt meant to be. I'll keep trying and maybe one day I'll make lots of friends at church and I will LOVE going.

-Disappointed

Elimination Diet Day Eight

2011-11-19T15:40:00.000-08:00

Well I ate a few white chocolate chips today (hey at least I stopped at a few) and I am seriously contemplating making some coffee tonight. I figure what the heck I still have the headache, but it is not near as bad as it was Sunday. Maybe I just still need to let everything get out of my system or maybe the headaches are from something else. For now just a little slip today.

Elimination Diet Day Seven

2011-11-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

I had a small headache most of the day but it never got real bad. The hubby made coffee and it made me want some really bad, I don't know how much longer I can stay away from the yummy stuff (especially since I still have a headache).

Elimination Diet Day Six

2011-11-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

I really did not have a headache for the first part of the day, but around 3 it hit me and hasn't left yet. I am so tired of these stupid headaches and wish they would just go away. I am not eating any of the food on the list and feel like 6 days is plenty to get them all out of my system.

O well maybe next week will go better. I will continue the diet and see where it leads me. Once I figure out the whole headache thing I am eating chocolate!!

Elimination Diet Day Five

2011-11-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

I have been really good on not eating the foods I should not be eating. I have to say that I am proud of myself. I crave coffee more than I crave dr. pepper, which I think is weird.

Today hasn't been too bad. I woke up with a headache, but that may be because I didn't get much sleep last night and the boy woke up at 4am. Thank GOD daddy took him around 530 and rocked him back to sleep before he left for work or else I don't know how we would have functioned all day.

I have had a slight headache all day, it hasn't gotten too bad. I don't even think I had to take my tylonol today:) Hopefully I will wake up with no headache tomorrow and not have another one again.

Elimination Diet Day Four

2011-11-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

Today the headache was very small, it only intensified a few times and went right back to just a dull ache. I did really well not eating any of the food, but I still want my pretzles. O and I found this huge orea ice cream/cake thing that made my mouth water, but I will not be eating that for a while (Micah doesn't like dairy too well).

I do have a bit of a headache right now and I hope it will be completely gone by the time I go to bed tonight, I might be up with the baby all night since he went to bed at 645 tonight and is now wide awake:( So pray for me.

Elimination Diet Day Three

2011-11-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

Did you know there are oranges in orange/pineapple juice? Who woulda thought.

Really I put orange/pineapple juice in my smoothie yesterday and started drinking a glass today when I realized I was drinking something on my "To not to" list. LOL

Today I struggled with a really bad headache all day, but luckily I have a loving hubby and he snuggled with a sleeping baby while I took a small nap next to them. Right now the headache is slowing going away and I pray it stays away, tomorrow I will not be drinking that juice.

I did manage to stay away from all the rest of the foods. I still want my pretzles and coffee seems to be a want right now.

Elimination Diet Day Two

2011-11-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

I want to eat the white chocolate covered pretzels that were delivered by the boy scouts yesterday but I am staying strong. No chocolate, why did they have to come on the day I started this?

Today has been ok. I have not eaten anything from the list and didn't care that Shawn drank a dr. pepper at lunch. O I should say I took a drink of a smoothie that was made with banana.

I woke up with a headache. I had a headache all night long, getting up with little man was hard. The headache got worse and better throughout the day and tylonol didn't even begin to touch the pain. Thank GOD my hunny loves me, he let me take a short nap to try and relieve some of the pain.

Hopefully the headache is gone by tomorrow and I can just drool over all the yummy food I wanna eat.

Elimination Diet Day One

2011-11-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

I have had a constant headache since Oct. 19th and it is driving me crazy so I have decided to do a little elimination diet to see if I can find the cause of these darn things. I figured if I started on Micah's half birthday I could remember the date a little better and stick to it. I plan to do it for at least 2 weeks and reevaluate to see if I should try it for longer. I will eventually start to add everything back in one at a time and see which one causes the headaches.

My foods that will be out of my diet are:
Red Wine ( I don't drink wine at all so no big deal)
Chocolate ( I LOVE CHOCOLATE )
MSG Products
Caffiene (Dr Pepper was my daily treat)
Aspartame (anything sugar free, I hate sugar free stuff anyway)
Cheese (Processed)
Sour Cream (So much for mexican food )
Processed Meats
Nuts (Not sure if this should include peanut butter)
Bananas and Oranges

Today went ok, I didn't have a problem not eating any of that even when I made myself a ham and no cheese sandwich. I do however have a HUGE headache and I really hate to see how the rest of my days will go. I thought the caffiene was helping the headaches before so we will see.

6 MONTHS

2011-11-12T13:20:00.001-08:00

My little man is 6 months old today:) He is growing so fast and learning new things everyday. I just love his little face.

Celebrations

2011-11-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

Back in October we dedicated our son to the LORD! There was a small service with other babies held at our church and it was very nice, even though my sister and mother were late:(

Micah had no clue what was going on but he loved playing with family, especially his cousins. His little suit was adorable and he didn't seem to mind wearing it.

Today, 11.10.11, is our 2 year wedding anniversary. I am so happy we have made it this far and pray everyday we have so many more years to celebrate. Micah loves having mommy and daddy home with him and i enjoy it as well. I love seeing how our life has grown and changed through the years, including all the dating years. We are encouraged through GOD to be great parents and amazing spouses.

I love my little family:)

Micah's first Halloween:)

2011-11-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

Daddy had to make sure we got a picture of his tail.

Micah was a dinosaur. He enjoyed all the attention from being so cute dressed up.

Mama might have been a little too happy for his first TOT!

He looked so cute in his little costume

I just love his binky, now that he will finally take one (on his terms only)

I think I'll eat my toes!

2011-10-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Almost every diaper change Micah finds his toes and well they must look so yummy so he finds a way to get them into his mouth.

I take his sock off so he can actually suck on his toe instead of making his sock all wet. He likes that.

I must wait for his to be done sucking on his toes before I can snap the diaper back on. This is where he decideds to poop and I find myself in a poop fiasco:(

I love hearing him suck on those little toes, it is really cute. He just goes to town sucking on his big toe and he screams if you take it away before he is ready to be done. This boy cracks me up:)

I Think I'll Just Turn Eight This Sunday Instead Of Twenty Eight

2011-09-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna grow up!

I don't wanna grow up!

I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!

That's it! I'm all done growing up. I wanna turn eight and have a big princess party and invite all my girlfriends and have a sleepover and dance to New Kids on The Block with my baby doll, Dylan Michael. I don't wanna pay bills, or deal with adult issues or be in charge. I don't wanna clean or cook or organize anymore. I wanna be free and play outside until I'm all sweaty and it's dark. I don't wanna care about new tires on the car or packing for our trip. I don't wanna be the strong one for my brother. I want my daddy to love me and want to spend time with me. I want to be oblivious to my daddy choosing his wife and their kids over me. I want my healthy Grammy to show up at daddy's house with a gift in hand and some hugs and kisses.

I simply do not want to be a grown up. It is not as awesome as I once thought it would be. There are too many tough decisions and things to do. So when you wish me a happy birthday on Sunday you will only have to say:
HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY !
I will only need 8 candles and it willl be a carefree day.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a daddy:(

2011-09-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

I have a dad and he has been in the same place since I was three years old. He has been with the same woman since I was three years old. I was always a daddy's girl growing up, most likely because I was limited in the amount of time I could spend with him (and probably just to tick my mom off even more). I loved being alone with my daddy since it was hard to come by and he seemed to enjoy our little trips to the store and such alone. I guess I always thought we would be close and he would always want to be a part of my life.

When I was 14 I moved in with my dad and by the time I was 16 he had kicked me out (this story is a whole post on its own). We really didn't talk or make up until I was 18 so it affected our relationship and that bond was gone. He has always put his new wife and her kids first. I should have seen it early on that he would only be a person that WAS in my life:(

Now that I have a son and I am married I don't really need a daddy but I want one. He barely showed up to my reception and had to leave early, it was like he didn't care that I got married. He never came to the hospital to see his grandson after he was born, in fact the first and only time he has seen him was when Micah was like 2 months old and that was just by chance because I went to the hospital to see my sister through her surgery.

I was my son to know his family and I want a daddy that cares for me. I guess I can want and want until I am blue in the face and he will still choose that woman and her children over me.

It is sad that the only grandpa Micah knows is someone that is not even remotely related to him. This man cares so much for Micah he can't wait to take him fishing and hang out with him.

I guess the one good thing that comes out of it is that I don't have to worry about my son being around someone that chain smokes. In fact he is not around smokers at all.

Micah is growing:)

2011-09-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Micah Cree was born on May 12th of this year and boy does he look different than he does here. This is one of the first pictures of him actually dressed after he was born. Of course we have many of him covered in slime and goo but this seemed much more appropriate.

One month old here. Micah has learned to look at us and turn his head to sounds. He is staying awake more often yet still needs lots of sleep.

Two months old and just keeps growing. He is learning to hold his head up and respond to us with giggles and smiles.

Three months old and starting to sit up more oftern. He loves to sit in his bumbe and watch cartoons on the screen and he is holding up his head so well. Soon enough he won't need the bumbe to sit unassisted.

He is not quite 4 months yet so here is a picture from September 1st. He is very talkative and wants attention constantly. He can hold his head up well, lay on his tummy and keep his head up for a long time, smile, giggle, reach for things and actually hold things well and he loves to eat cereal when I give it to him. Micah is growing up so fast. He is already as big as his 11 month old cousin so I'm curious just how big he is going to get. Of course daddy is 6'3 so I'm sure Micah will tower over me soon enough.

I love this little guy with all my heart and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He puts a smile on my face everyday. He is coming into his own little character and I love seeing him blossom.

I am so in LOVE!

2011-08-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

I never thought I could love someone so much. Micah brings a smile to my face everyday.

Those big blue eyes looking at me when he eats.

The smile I get when he notices me.

Love the giggle he has when he thinks I am funny.

The way he kicks up his feet and gets all excited in the morning when I reach down to pick him up.

The snuggling I get so much of since he is still so young.

I thought I knew what love was when my twin sister had her babies and I got to love on them all day long but now I truly know what she felt with each of her babies. I thought I could never love someone as much as I love Chaz, Brijet and Ainzley.

Micah brings a smile to my face everyday. I love seeing him, I love changing him, I love bathing him. I love feeding him. I love everything about this kid.

I most love seeing Micah get loved on by my first true loves: Chaz Brijet and Ainzley.

Daddy Love

2011-08-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today was all about daddy. We played with daddy on the couch, he is so silly.

Then daddy had some computer stuff to do so I entertained him a little.

Daddy's nose sqeaks when you touch it, that is soooo funny:)

I really love my daddy!

After bath mommy let me hang out in my diaper. I love being naked:)

I hung out with daddy watching tv and snuggling until mommy said it was bedtime.

Cartoons:)

2011-08-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Micah just loves to watch disney junior on the computer. He yells at the computer and giggles while watching.

Micah's first balloon:)

2011-08-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

Micah was hanging out with daddy in the office where daddy keeps all his balloons so he decided to make him his first balloon.

Daddy sat right in front of him and blew the balloon up and started twisting and tying and turning it into something.

Micah watched in amazement and wonder. He was very interested in what daddy was playing with.

Daddy made the new doggie kiss Micah and then he let him hold the puppy and play with with him.

Since daddy will be precticing a lot and making balloons for shows all the time I think it's good Micah is okay with them around him. Now we will have to teach him at a very young age to not put them in his mouth.

Don't worry daddy is a prefessional clown and a paramedic so he is very careful with his balloons.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Sunny-T-Clown/134294966658520?sk=wall

Teething

2011-08-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

Micah has been drooling a ton lately and gnawing on his hands like crazy and boy can this kid get grumpy.

I believe he is teething. I know it usually starts later but he is showing all the signs of teething. So I found some teething tablets and got some tylonal just in case. Then I went shopping and found some teethers.

Do you think I have enough?

What's on my feet?

2011-08-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

I took off Micah's socks and put the animal rattles on his feet and I swear he looked at his feet for at least half an hour while we were in the car driving.

He just kept looking like "what in the world in on my feet and why do my feet make noise when I move them". I was laughing so hard I could hardly tell Shawn what he was doing.

Happy 3 months Micah Cree:)

2011-08-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

3 months ago I was in the hospital trying to get you to come out and finally meet me (a week after your due date). In the end you decided it was all too stressful and you made the doctors come in after you. It was a stressful couple of days in the hospital trying to get you to eat my milkies and keep your weight up but we went home a happy little family.

Daddy drove in the right lane only because you were on the right side and he decided less than the speed limit was good enough. We got you home and picked you up out of your carseat and wondered what we should do with you next. For the rest of the night and most of the following week we layed you on the boppy and stared at you for hours. We just couldn't believe after 9 months you were finally here in our arms.

You were so tiny and needed so much of mommy and daddy. All we did was snuggle you and look at you. It took a while, but we got on a semi schedule and daddy went back to work and you just got bigger and stayed awake longer.

Now you are a chubmister. You have gained so much weight (which is no shock since you still eat like a newborn) and you grow an inch a day (okay maybe not a whole inch). Your face is fuller and your thighs are chunky and you smile so much now. Mommy loves to hear your giggle (which you do when you realize mommy is cleaning up your stinky).

I cannot believe you are so big and growing so fast. I love you so much and as much as I want you to stay small and my baby forever I am also looking forward to seeing you crawl, talk, walk and eat big boy food.

I love you!
Mommy

Frustrated

2011-07-31T10:42:00.000-07:00

Frustrated

Sad

and Lonely

At the moment.

Want more friends.

Tired of working on all the days something is going on that we could go to as a family.

Tired of just going from day to day.

Want way more for Micah. I want him to have friends to play with and to know people.

Can't figure out what's wrong with us that noone wants to talk to us or hang out with us.

Frustrated with life.

Little man went swimming

2011-07-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

I decided to take Micah swimming for the first time and invited lots of family. He didn't see, to mind the water at all and as long as someone was holding him or mommy was feeding him he was perfectly ok.

Of course Auntie Em got some self portraits of her with him and cousin Lori had to snuggle him for a bit. It was hot feeding him under that cover up but it sure did take a cute picture.

I hold him tighter

2011-06-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have been reading these blogs about mammas that lost their little ones to SIDS and cancer and other uncontrollable things. I cry and cry for these poor mammas. I want so bad to go and give them hugs and hold them tight or bring their babies back. Its not fair or right to bury your child ever.

Usually Micah wants me to snuggle him all day and when I put him down he cries for me to pick him up again. Sometimes I think I just want to get up and clean or cook or organize and then I remember how some moms have lost their little ones and they wish and pray they could just go back to snugglin their littls ones again. SO I sit on the couch and find something interesting on tv and I snuggle Micah. I snuggle him for hours sometimes. One day he might not be here for me to snuggle and what will I have? No memories and a clean organized house.

So for those of you that have a little one, snuggle them. Snuggle them and let the dishes sit there. Snuggle them and let the laundry pile up. Snuggle them and munch on something small instead of trying to cook a big meal. I always manage to get everything done in time, the dishes and laundry might sit for a few days and the carpets might really need a vacuum but my baby is snuggled to his hearts content and mamma get those precious memories and feelings.

I wish I could help those moms that have lost a child. I wish I could bring back their babies. I wish I could explain why babies go to Heaven so early. I wish I could explain how GOD plays a role in all of this, but I can't . All I can do is read their heartfelt blogs and try to figure out how much pain they really are in. I can learn to snuggle Micah and let my OCD go.

I have realized, just in the last few months, that sometimes good things come out of bad things. Those moms have experienced the worst possible thing in the world and yet they continue to go on and let the world know about their babies. I pray for those moms and I learn from them.

Micah is growing

2011-06-11T19:07:00.001-07:00

Micah is a little over a month now and Im enjoying watching him grow. I can feel him getting bigger and you can see his face getting fuller. We spend most days inside snuggling and hanging out but today daddy went for a walk with us and we had fun. He laid there and just enjoyed riding in his stroller.

I enjoy watching my little man snuggle with his daddy and I enjoy his daddy wanting to snuggle. I think it is great that Shawn will come home from work and take him to hang out with him so I can sleep.

Micah is starting to hold his head up and look at me. I love watching him grow and do more things but it is a reminder that he will grow fast and be going off to college.

Pictures are coming up and Im excited to see what we can do. I do not have many pictures printed since we live in the digital age now. I hope to print some of these from our photo shoot Tuesday .

Its about bedtime and mama is hoping to get more than an hour of sleep tonight.

Micah Cree Bullock is here

2011-05-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

Micah was born via c section on 05.12.11. I was in labor about 8.5 hours when his heartrate got up between 180 and 200 so the doctor decided to do a csection because he would not have made it otherwise. I was a little sad my birth story did not go as planned but happy my little guy is healthy.

We have been home less than a week and we are really starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. It is a little frustrating at times especially with breastfeeding but we are learning. Daddy does great diaper changes and is really good at burping and mommy is great at snuggling and feeding.

I am really ready for visitors to come visit just so I can show him off but it really wears me out to have other people hold him. I feel comfortable with my mom and sister holding him but the thought of others touching him and holding him make me wanna throw up. I get real anxious.

Today shawns mom, Sandy, came over with her husband and they each held Micah. I was nervous and anxious the whole time they had him. I dont know why I am so anxious , I guess I just want my baby to be my baby and stay in my arms.

Life will get better and we will get into a routine as time goes by. For right now we are snuggling Micah all the time and getting used to him being here.

Overly pregnant and sad

2011-05-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

I was due Friday and yet here i sit so pregnant i cant roll over in bed without using something or someone to get me started. I am ready to have this baby and get my body back.

My Papa passed away yesterday and I guess I'm still processing the whole thing. He was found in his apartment unresponsive and they rushed him to the hospital where he was found to have pneumonia. They started treatment and he began to show signs of improving, then he just died. I contemplated going to the hospital to visit him but as many times as I have been to KU I only knew where the ER entrance was for ambulances and wasn't sure I would be able to find my way around to park and go inside. I was afraid I would get all the way up there get lost and go into labor.

I knew I should have went to see him. The same thing happened to gma Lillian, Papa's wife, she spent about a week in the hospital. I told myself I would go see her tomorrow or the next day and then she died so suddenly. You would think I would get the hint and visit these people when they go to the hospital but I always have reasons not to go. When I don't go I get to regret it for the rest of my life.

I had a bad feeling Friday night. I couldn't sleep because I kept having a feeling that someone was going to die. I don't know why, maybe I it's just my OCD kicking in really bad again. I stayed up most of the night praying for my mom, neice, husband and our unborn baby. It never crossed my mind to pray for papa, he was doing much better and he was safe in the hospital. I wonder if I would have prayed for him would he still be alive? Would he have lived another day?

I am so glad we made a special trip to see grandma Schnepf, Shawn's grandma. She was the sweetest old lady ever and I loved going to visit her. We made it just in time as she passed away the day after we got home. I am sad to see that we have lost two great people in our lives and Micah will never know them. I wanted Micah to be able to meet his great grandparents and love on them and let him love on them.

The visitation is Tuesday for my Papa and here I sit 40 weeks and some days pregnant and have no idea when Micah will decide to come out. I want him out so I can hold him and love on him but if he stays in there a few more days I can go to my papa's visitation and funeral.

God is in charge of all and HE will decide how everything will work out in the end. I just need to relax and get some much needed rest while HE puts plans into action.

40 weeks

2011-05-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

I made it to 40 weeks and now Im really done being pregnant. I want to hold my baby boy and get my body back. This waiting game is too much for someone that is so in control all the time.

We have everything ready. The crib, the bassinet, the carseat, the hospital bag, the diapers, the wipes, the clothes. We are sooo ready to meet our little man.

He is doing so good. His heartbeat is right where they want it. His movement is great and he responds to us when we mess with the belly. I know he is healthy and safe inside but I just wanna hold him already .

I am a little nervous being a first time mommy though. I keep thinking what if I don't do it right or what if I forget him or what if..... I hate thinking this but I guess once he is here all my fears will be relieved and I will just know what to do.

So cmon Micah we are so ready to meet you !!!

KCFD

2011-04-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

I work for the Kansas City Missouri Fire Department and I just want people to know how much that company sucks. I have been harrassed by many people there and I have went to HR and supervisors and nothing is done about it. I have been harrassed in front of a supervisor and nothing was done.

Now that I have filed with HR they are saying I sexually harrassed them to explain the harrassment. This is crap. I hate this company.

I was MAST, the ambulance service and fire took us over. Since they have taken us over we have been short handed and treated like red headed step children. The ambulance crews are supposed to have total access to fire stations, this was the reason fire wanted to take over to put us in fire stations instead on the corners. WEll certain fire stations have signs up that say ambulance crews are not welcome. Certain firemen treat the ambulance workers like they are trash.

I cannot stand working for a company that could care less about their new employees. And the promised pension we were supposed to get, ya we arent getting it. They are taking our money and adding it to their pension and we cant touch it. And what company do you know that gives a pregnant woman a hard time for using the restroom a lot or walking around alot.

The firemen get to have their training classes while on duty so they are getting paid for it. The ambulance crews have to come in on their days off and do the training without pay. How are we ONE?

I hate this place.

Less than 4 weeks and counting...

2011-04-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

Wow I am coming to the end of my pregnancy and I am getting really excited. I have had my baby showers and ordered the carseat and set up the crib and pack and play, there is still a lot to do but most of the things are ready for him to finally get here. I have really enjoyed this experience even though I have been really sick through most of it.

I still need to organize his room and hang up all his clothes and wash the remaining clothes that I just got recently. But his diapers are clean and he has clothes to get started with. I am so excited.

Last week at the doctor I was dialated to a one and my next appointment is Wed. I cant wait for them to check me again and see if he is coming early. I jsut want to hold him tight and never let him go. I cannot wait.

Thinking of Delivery Day

2011-03-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Do I sound mean when I say I don't want a lot of people in my room when I am in labor. I want my husband and my sister and if my mom wants to stop by I can handle that. But everyone else will just have to wait until he is out and they can actually see him.

I am watching "One Born Every Minute" and these ladies have all these people in their rooms aggrevating them while they are dealing with labor pains. And let me just say right now , while I am pushing noone will be allowed in. I don't wanna broadcast my privates to everyone.

I want my sister and my husband to see Micah come out, but I also want them to just let me go through labor. These people on this show are annoying the way they are asking every minute if they can do anything. Seriously when you are in that much pain you really just wanna be left alone so you can get through the contractions.

I just really hope people understand I will not be in the mood to have people filling up my room to wait out the delivery. But I will enjoy family and friends coming to the house after we are all settled into a routine, maybe give us a week home alone, to hold him and see him.

Oh and I should mention they should understand my OCD and the handwashing will happen a lot and if you are sick well no touching baby sorry. And yes we are breastfeeding and no I will not be using a bottle right away, so no you cant feed him. And yes I really wanna cloth diaper and no you cant just put a disposable on him because it will be easier for you.

Wow I think I am turning into one of those moms that everyone hates, but I dont care. This could be our only child and my only chance to have my birth and my child my way, so we are doing it our way.

7 WEEKS LEFT!!!

2011-03-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

OMG!!!

I have only 7 weeks left to get everything done. I am so nervous and scared that nothing else will get done. I don't even have a carseat yet. YIKES!

I wanna meet my little guy and hold and cuddle him but at the same time I don't wanna stop feeling him move around in my tummy.

We still need lots of cloth diapers, I don't have near enough to start with. I need a dirty diaper bag and a pack and play and a carseat and bedding and ....... I still haven't organized his closet or hung up his clothes, I can barely walk into his closet. And his room is a mess. The carpets need cleaned and there is stuff everywhere.

BREATH!!!!

I know we have plenty and things will get done. I know I can relaxa and let things happen, but at the same time I'm freaking out.

IM FREAKING OUT!!! Seriously people.

7 WEEKS LEFT!!! Thats it!!! 7 WEEKS !!!

Love This Quote

2011-03-05T22:45:00.001-08:00

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” ~Mahatma Ghandi

Ready To Be A Momma!!

2011-03-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

I have 9 weeks to go. Just 9 weeks and I am so excited. I cannot wait to hold my little man and kiss him and hug him. I have his crib set up and some clothes washed, I am waiting to get all the clothes washed so I can seperate them all and hang them up. I want to put all the bigger clothes to the back of the closet so that I will know what is good to wear at what stage. I am thinking I will have a big baby.

I want to get the closet organized and get the dresser fixed up and ready to go. I am getting anxious to get all of this done so that all will be ready when he gets here. I cant believe I have to wait until the beginning of April to have my baby shower. I know you are supposed to wait but I want everything done and ready. I guess all new mommies go through this. If I had a toddler to chase around I wouldnt even have time to pay attention to all the needed to be done.

I am excited to see my neices interact with Micah. I cant wait to see Chaz hold Micah. I just want him here . But I know we must wait to meet him so that he will be totall healthy.

NOPE!!!

2011-02-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

I was thinking everything has happened and now it will get easier and things will go my way.

NOPE!!!

My truck broke down on the way to school today. WE are supposed to go to the big baby sale and buy a ton of stuff but now we will be spending that money on my truck.

NOPE!!

Things arent going my way. Can I throw a huge tantrum now and hold my breath until I am given my way?

NOPE!!!

Guess what I am an adult and have to face tough situations and make the best of my world. O well.

At least micah is moving a ton lately and letting me know he is there . I mean it really, last night he would not go to sleep. I mean cmon get comfortable and let momma get a good nights rest. But really I love to feel him move, it lets me know he is still there and still alive.

30 Weeks and Counting

2011-02-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

I think things are getting better. I had a few mental breakdowns last weekend and ended up missing a day of work because of it all. I think that everything just hit me at once and I kinda shut down. But I am better now.

I miss grandma Schnepf a ton. I know she was only Shawn's gma, but she was going to be the best great grandma to Micah and I loved , really LOVED, visiting her when we went to Iowa. She was the sweetest person ever. I loved to hear her stories about her life and learning all about her raising her 7 children. She was an amazing woman and man did she love the LORD with all her heart. I feel like I see angels everywhere now. Angels were kinda her thing. I know Micah will be watched carefully by his new guardian angel and that makes it all better.

I still worry about my little brother. I want to take away all of his problems and make everything better. I hate the position he is in. I hate having to only talk to him on the phone. I cry when I see his picture or hear that address go out over the air at work. I cant stand where he is and I want it all to go away.

I have had a rough pregnancy and Im still trudging through it. I failed the one hour glucose test and barely passed the three hour test. Doc says here is still glucose in my urine and now I have some protein in there too. I need to take it easy and watch what goes into my mouth. Apparently everything I eat has tons of sugar in it. :(

So Shawn and I are just trying to get through the next ten weeks so we can finally meet our little guy. I am not real anxious about getting everything anymore, I know things will fall into place and making a list helped a lot.

Word for the day: FAIL!

2011-02-18T23:06:00.000-08:00

I had a small mental breakdown today. I think everything going on just caught up with me and I lost it. I was just getting ready for work and I started to cry. No I started to ball and it went on for about an hour. And then continued in the car on the way to work .

I am exhausted. I am tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I mean since I have been pregnant I havent had time to stop and enjoy this pregnancy. I wanna enjoy my baby boy and get his room all ready without stress. So much has been going on.

We had to make two fast trips to Iowa for Shawn's grandma. The first was our one weekend off that we had planned to do baby stuff. I mean I am very happy we went, because she that was the last time we would see her alive even if she was just comotose. But that was going to be the relax and plan baby weekend. Then she died on Valentine's Day and we had to make a day trip there on Thursday to bury her. It was a very long day, but once again I am so glad we were able to go. Grandma Schnepf was a very special woman and man did she love her Jesus. I am so glad to know that she is with Jesus everyday now and she will be a great guardian angel to Micah.

I think we have just been going like the engizer bunny since the last week in Jan and I am due for a small break. No more deaths or family situations pls. No more mean people and drama mixed with problems PLS. I want a break .

I am in need of some dedicated baby planning and baby talking time. I want to get Micah's room finished and buy the stuff we still need. I want it to be about me and Micah now. I want someone to focus on me. I want to not hear about or worry about anyone else but Micah for a while. I want life to slow down and please , pretty please, give me a small break.

This Has Been A Tough Pregnancy

2011-02-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of all the issues that we have been through since we found out we were pregnant. Im am ready for a break. PRETTY PLEASE!!

-My hubby and I were fighting really bad when we found out we were pregnant.

-His mother started being really mean to me for no reason and tried to make him divorce me. That is still going on with us having no contact with her.

-I had two miscarry scares.

-My little brother had his baby and she was hospitalized for a while due to complications.

-The other two brothers found some major drama and trouble and we are still working through those issues.

-Mom went into the hospital for a week and now she has some medical problems that worry me.

-Miguel, the cat, died of cancer. He was Shawn's buddy for 13 years.

-Shawn's grandmother died after spending 2 weeks in the hospital in a comatose state.

-I failed the one hour glucose test and had to take the three hour one. We are still waiting on the results.

This is all just since we found out we were pregnant, this is not including all things we have been through since we have been married. UGH. I think these things are making us stronger but man would I love for things to get easier.

I hope and pray our delivery goes as planned and we end up with a healthy happy baby boy. I want so bad to be this cute little family that stays together forever and ever.

ITS A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-02-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

Wow I am having a boy. WOW!!! I still can't believe that I know what I am having. I am so excited and happy that I can finally call my baby by name.

The gender party went great. A lot of people showed up and it was great to be surrounded by loved ones. It was a little crowded in my small house but people just sat close and never complained.

My little neice seemed a little upset that it was a boy. She said "NO GIRL". I thought that was so cute. I know they want a little girl to play dress up with and do all the pincess stuff with but they will be able to play with Micah too.

Oh ya. His name is Micah Cree Bullock. I am hoping he stays in there for as long as possible so that I can get this last semester of school finished. We will see.

Now on to buy all the little things I will need with a baby boy.

25 Weeks

2011-01-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

Well I am just running through this pregnancy. I really thought it would go so much slower, but I guess through the stress of everything going on I am just not paying attention anymore.

Mom made it home finally, she is on a truckload full of medication and I need to get up to see her so that I can go over everything with her and get a medication list for medical personel.

Little brother is still in need of prayers, although I finally got to talk to him the other day and he sounded good. I miss him. I never thought I would actually say that.

Hubby and I had a date night last night, we went to our church for a marriage class (which we loved) and then out to eat at Zios. It was nice to go to the class, I met some other SAHM and found a group at the church for mommies. I cant wait to get to know some more ladies in this area.

In just over a week I will finally know the gender of my baby. I am so excited and cannot wait to go shopping. I will post as soon as I find out.

Im 6 Months!!!

2011-01-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am finally 6 months along. I am so excited. I cannot wait to find out what I am having at the end of this month. I am so excited. In May I will have my little one in my arms and holding him/her tight. I am praying everything goes well and the baby is healthy.

I had a dream that I had a buy by c section at 26 weeks and he was 10 pounds with a head full of dark hair. I must have cried a lot in my dream bcuz I woke up sobbing. It was a wierd dream.

My mom is still in the hospital trying to get rid of her pneumonia and now she has diabetes and an irregular heartbeat. I am praying that she gets out soon and that she will be okay. I will have to make sure she stays on top of all her meds now.

My little brother is still going through his struggles and needs lots of prayer. I wish he didn't have to go through anything and I want so bad to make all things better for him. But this is all on him and he needs to find a way out. UGH!!!

So I am going to try to focus on my baby and my health and keep this little guy in there as long as possible. I am shooting for going over and delivering later than the 6th so that I can maybe finish up my semester. We will see.

UPDATE

2011-01-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

My party is coming pretty quick and I am so excited to find out the gender of my baby. I cannot wait any longer it needs to hurry up and get here. I love that I have that to look forward to. I am so glad we chose to do it this way. Shawn is very happy that he knows and that he gets to do this little party for me and our family and friends. I hope it all goes well and the party is a success for all.

Mom is in the hospital with bilateral pnuemonia. I hope she gets out by the weekend, but we will see if she gets any better. I am stressed for her because I know she is not making any money while she is in the hospital. I know is sucks for her, but it was the only way to make her better.

My little brother still has major issues he is dealing with. I am heartbroken and lost over his problems and want so bad to take him away from it all. I wish I would've done better for him and gave him a better life. I feel like this is my fault. Like I screwed up my life a ton and made some bad decisions and didnt get the chance to show him how to live a better life. Prayers are the only thing that can help him now.

My other little brother has supposedly gotten a girl knocked up, but noone really knows if she is really pregnant since she claimed to get pregnant after knowing my brother for a week. REALLY??? I think the whole situation is stupid and both children need to be knocked upside the head. He is now living with her and her parents and not going to school. GREAT!

The other brother is ok. He is slowly reaising his kid with his baby mama and living off my dad. I feel bad for my daddy. He is working his butt off just to pay for his wife that doesnt work and he has to pay for my brother baby mama and baby. What kind of life is that?

I want to be like supergirl and save the world. I will start with my family and get them out of all the sticky situations they are in. I just want better for the people I love and cant stand the fact that I cant change anything for any of them.

My husbands GMA is in the nursing home and will not be able to get out. She needs help living and cant get the help living at home. Shawn and I are very sad and wish we could change things for her but maybe this is for the best.

Shawns real mother , should I say his egg donor, is a real piece of work. She is trying to start stuff by messaging friends of ours to ask about him. And why on earth does she need to know what his ex wifes last name is. Why does she need to talk to her or look her up. I pray she is not getting some drama started with us. She has done enough already. She refuses to apoloigize to him or me for how she treated me and she keeps talking trash on me to him. I mean cmon leave us alone already and live your own life. Better yet keep it going and make it to where Shawn will really kick you out of our lives FOREVER! I dont want that person in my childs life ever.

Shawn has had a cat, Miguel , for thirteen years and we got the news the other day that he has cancer and will not live more than 3 months. Shawn is heartbroken and trying to cope with having to put his little buddy down once the time is right. I dont know what to do or say to make him feel better, but I think I am doing ok. He comes home from work in the mornings and cuddles Miguel for a while before coming to bed and this seems to help Shawn. However Miguel has no clue what is going on. The vet says he feels no pain.

I will be 6 months pregnant tomorrow and it makes me feel like this is going way too fast and it needs to slow down a bit. I want to enjoy being pregnant and buying all the fun little things and get used to being a mommy before the baby gets here. Plus the delivery scares me a bit. :)

STRESSED and HEARTBROKEN

2011-01-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

I am completely upset and heartbroken over recent events. I am lost and confused and angry. I cannot believe what happened and that I was lied to. I cannot believe that now we have to deal with this and my mother has to live with this.

I am not what will happen in the end but I just continue to pray that GOD will show the good to us. I am trying hard to not stress over this and just limit myself to the situation but I have anxiety issues and can get worked up pretty good. Sometimes I just start crying at the thought of it.

The doctor says to just focus on me and the baby because stress causes early labor. I feel like I have to be there for my family to lean on but at the same time I feel like I need to step away and take care of me.

I am praying that everything turns out good in the end and that one day everyone can put this all behind them.

One of those days

2010-12-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

Well it has been one of those pregnancy days. Where I cried most of the day and cant seem to get happy. We had to pay 100.00 to get our door fixed and he fixed it half way kinda. It feels like everytime we seem to get ahead, by paying off some debt, we just accure more debt.

My mom says she is not spending the new years with me anymore but she will gladly give me her son, I assume if I drive all the way up there and get him and then bring him back home. I think I'll just work.

Most of my clothes and shoes do not fit me . I mean I have maternity clothes , but sometimes I just wanna wear a hoodie and a tshirt. Most of my tshirts are really tight. Thanks to my wonderful husband I have 3 pairs of really comfy big soft pajama pants to wear around the house, why cant I just where these to work and out ?

I have to wear my white shoes to work bcuz they are the only ones that semi fit my feet and today one of my bosses got mad about them. I am supposed to wear black. Well I would go out and buy some shoes but it seems everytime I turn around we have to spend money on something else. (My truck needs new tires bad, they are bald... guess how much new tires for a dodge ram 1500 cost???). So I guess I am going to have to buy a cheap pair of shoes that are black just to wear to work. And I will have to buy the wide size and a bigger pair just to fit comfortably.

Anyway I love being pregnant just not liking all the side affects. I feel so fat and ugly and I cant do anything to change it becauze I have to eat to keep baby alive. I can barely walk around a mall let alone workout since I am always short of breath. And I dont get much sleep due to indigestion. I have indigestion and heartburn everyday all day and it stinks.

On top of all of this I am still freaking out about what we will need for baby and all the desicions to make. I think I have decided to just get a newborn carseat and figure out the brand later. I am going to check out a store to talk about cloth diapers but may end up just doing reg diapers. We have deccided to just get a new crib, since the one for free is a drop down one. I just dont want to take the chance. I still have to research vaccines and such and decide if we are going to do those and that darn epidural - do I or dont I?

I am still deciding if I will get stuff gender neutral, not so sure we will be ready for baby number 2 right away so carseat may not be reusable. But maybe we should get stroller and other things neutral because we could always reuse those.

Oh the joys of pregnancy.

Gender Party

2010-12-22T19:59:00.000-08:00

We have decided to throw a gender party to let people know the sex of the baby. I won't even find out until the party. My husband already knows what we are having and he keeping his mouth zipped until the day. I a, so excited to have the party and find out in a fun interesting way.

My hubby is a professional clown and he puts on amazing shows. He can also make just about anything out of balloons. I hope he puts all the thought and effort he would into a show on our party. I want to remember the day forever and have a fun story to tell our baby.

We already have the names picked out and the nicknames, so we are all set. I cant wait to start calling my baby by its name. Right now we call it Minnow. My hubby likes to fish and I guess that is a type of baby fish?? Not really sure but the nickname works for now while we (I mean me)are waiting to find out.

I just wanna go out and start buying stuff, but if its a girl I want all pink stuff. I want the pink carseat and pink stroller and pink everything. If its a boy the colors can vary or we can do a noahs ark theme or something.

I will post as soon as I find out what we are having. Jenn

20 Weeks

2010-12-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

Well I am in my 20th week and Im pretty sure Im starting to feel little kicks and movements. I cant wait to have the baby kick my belly so my hubby can feel it.

I have had the hardest time being pregnant but I am enjoying watching my belly grow and knowing that there is a little one in there. We got our sonogram pictures done the other day and it made my heart sing to hear the heartbeat and see the heart pumping along. The baby was just moving away.

So far I have had the morning sickness, the night sickness, the afternoon sickness. Pretty much at any time I could get sick or just be completely fine. I have had nose bleeds and sinus infections , swollen sinuses, dry-itchy skin. My eyesight is coming and going (things just get fuzzy or out of focus). The heartburn is the worst, I have heartburn all the time. I eat tums like candy. I crave dark sodas, so I have to look for caffiene free pop everywhere I go. I notice it is getting harder to bend over to put on my shoes or socks or just fix my pant legs. Most clothes are very uncomfortable and pretty much no matter what I am doing I am uncomfortable.

I just keep thining that in a few short months I will have this precious baby in my arms and life will be totally perfect.

4 months and counting

2010-12-03T23:12:00.000-08:00

I am officially 18 weeks pregnant and very excited. Only a few more months and I will have a baby to hold in my arms. I cannot wait.

This is probable one of the most stressful and hardest things I have ever been through. I mean knowing I am the only human that can take care of and keep this baby safe. Watch what I eat, how much I exercise, what I drink, what meds i can take, watch everything and then even if I do everything right something could still go wrong.

I have had two scares so far. It makes me so scared and nervous. I just wanna be bed confined and not do a thing in fear of losing this baby.

Havin a Baby

2010-11-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

So we are having a baby in May and both of us are a little worried and scared. We both want me to stay home with baby until 9 months or so then maybe try to work part time. Neither of us want daycare for our children.

He is very worried about money. I know there are people out there that have lots of kids and make less than us. I know there is a way, if we both just work at it. He is still worried.

How do we do this happily? How do I convince him we can and will be able to survive?
I dont want to stay home if he is just going to be worried and upset the whole time. I want us to both be happy I am home with the baby and I want us both to give up the better life to make a better life for our baby. Make sense?

PREGGO

2010-10-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

The Princess is THREE!!!

2010-09-26T19:54:00.001-07:00

WOW!!! She is three! A whole day of partying with her friends and family and then Uncle Shawn surprises her with giant princesses. Ainzley and Brijet were excited and loved watching him put the pink one together.

Uncle Shawn didnt mind the loss of sleep and all that hard work to make these once he saw those gorgeous smiles. Ainzley got her "cinderelli" birthday party , FINALLY. She has only been waiting since May when sister got a princess birthday party.

My neices are growing up, when asked if they would just stay this age forever they laughed at me and told me "NO".

Apologies on the side

2010-08-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of apologies on the side

She says what she wants and does what she will

And as I'm hurt walking away

You come and give me an apology on the side

Shes just in a bad mood you say

Her meds are changing and the mood is swinging

And your sorry she acts that way

You don't stand up and tell her calm down

You stand there and take it

And let her treat me to her liking

And all I get is an apology on the side

It's not fair for me to fight

For the father I desperately need

It's not fair that you don't care

And all you care to do is give

An apology on the side

Snapshot Sunday ~ ~ ~ Bing

2010-08-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

This week was national clown week so Bing got to jump into clowning for the first time. This pic is of Bing with her older brother Sunny, he let her help with some of his magic stuff. You should see his magic it is wonderful. I hope I get to learn a lot from him.

We were acknowledged in Raymore for national clown week. This is the mayor giving us a decleration for it after a show we did. We had so much fun and the kids enjoyed seeing our show. We even made it to the Raymore website. They loved us. Even the mayor smiled.

I have got to get me one of these chairs, it was soooooo big. My littles neices and nephew wanted a pic with the best clown ever!!!!! We had such a blast with the kids at the Raymore party in the park. The kids loved us once again.

A group shot with a few kids thrown in there. Notice my A-bear in my arms, she is never far from her FAVORITE aunt.

OH! I love my friend Tater's car. She is an amazing clown and was very helpful in helping me get my costume together. It is a work in progress, but hopefully by clown school (which is in Feb) I will have a good costume complete just for me. My neice loved the ride in the clown car. Ainzley and Brijet really enjoyed watching my put my costume on and they watched intently as I put my makeup on. They were so intrigued and loved every minute of the getting ready for and the party in the park.

Bing had a great time performing and being able to make children laugh. There are so many more pictures and smiles to be seen. I cannot wait to learn more and do more shows. Of course Sunny will show me everything I need to know, since he is so AMAZING!!!

SummaTime

2010-08-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

Since I havent been on much lately I thought I would write about my summer. I have had a blast going to the pool and hanging out with the kiddos. I love spending the night at my sisters house and playing with the kids. We take them to the pool and paint our nails and my sissie and I even get some alone time late at night when all the kids are in bed.

I have been on vacation this past week and have really enjoyed it so far. It has been nice to just relax and be able to anything and everything. We had the kids over for a sleepover, went to the pool, dressed as a clown and did three shows, played at the pool, chalked on the sidewalk, layed out at the pool, read some books, spend some time at the pool, went to a nightclub for a friends bday party, hung out at the pool and just enjoyed husband wife time. Did I mention i got to go to the pool a lot?

I will post pics of the clown shows as soon as I get all the pics uploaded and from other clowns at the shows. We even made it on the Raymores website for our show at the day care center. I really enjoyed clowning for the first time.

Alisa Maier

2010-07-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

What is going through her mind as she is in a place she does not know? How is she dealing with a stranger in control of her? What is her mother going through? Is she asking the man to take her home? What is he doing to her?

This 4 year old was taken from her front yard by a stranger. She has been missing for a little more than 24 hours now. Where could she be? Who has her? She was just playing outside with her older brother and some guy decided he wanted her.

This makes me wanna scream and cry at GOD. How does he sit there and let this happen? How can he let this guy keep this little girl and not bring her home to her mommy? How can he let her be hurt and hear her cry?

This little girl was taken from Louisianna Missouri, right next to the Missippi river. Could he have already dumped her in the river? What are his plans for her? Why did the neighbors let the dark car circle the neighborhood for hours before he took her?

Why did GOD allow this to happen? I know we have free will and he decided not to interfere, but I cant help to question this? GRRRR!!! This makes me wanna cry. I cant help but to think of Brijet and what she would do. I would die if this were my little girl or one of my neices. I can do nothing but continue to pray.

So I am hoping everyone is praying for this little girl to be brought home safe and sound.

A Look Inside My OCD Head

2010-07-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work last night and my brain was once again whirling like a tornado like it often does. I started to go into panic mode like normal and my breathing started to get faster and faster. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it would pop out of my chest. This is a normal thing for me. For whatever reason I have these "daymares" and I DONT like them.

I start to think about stupid things, like someone I love being in a car crash and the whole scenerio playing out in my head. I even cry like it is real. Or the whole scenerio plays out of me being raped and beaten, my heart beats really fast, I get really mad, I start breathing really fast and I can't make myself believe its not real. It really feels like it just happened before I started for work. I Have no idea why these thoughts happen and I feel that when they do I have to start praying. I have to pray that the one thing I was just thinking about wont happen to the one person that was in involved. I have to pray for all the loved ones I love and if I miss one then something will happen to them.

Sometimes I hate being in the car alone, it gives my brain time to create the tornado. I hate the tornado. It is always something. It is always horrible. It is always so REAL. Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the tornado in my head that I forget where I am. It is weird its like Im driving yet Im not really there.

ANyway there is a glimpse into my crazy whirlwind head.

Fireman John Glaser

2010-06-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

A father, a son, a husband, a friend, and a fireman. This man woke up one day kissed his wife goodbye and went off to a normal day at work. He worked his normal shift that day, went on medical calls and fires, joked with his coworkers, maybe called his family once or twice. John went about his day like any other day, the only difference is he did not make it home. John died in a house fire before he could make it to bed that night.

Imagine seeing that fire cheif show up at your door on a day you know your husband is at work. Imagine being told your husband won't be coming home the next morning. Imagine telling your two beautiful children that daddy would no longer read them a bed time story or give them a piggy back ride.

Imagine sitting down to dinner and talking out the days events with your coworkers, dealing with some of the tough calls from the day. Hearing the bells go off as dinner is just filling up your tummy. Running out to the fire engine to run yet another fire, you've fought so many fires by now that you each know exactly what to do. Imagine being in a smokey house that you have never been inside and you cant seem to get the hose to go where you need it to go. Your partner leaves for just a minuter to untangle and get the water going on the hot stuff. Imagine being alone and scared and working hard with a full tummy. Imagine .

Your firemen find you and rush you to the er. The doctors can save the firemen, right? They can undo the smoke inhalation. They can undo the carbon Monoxide in your system. With enough wishing and hoping and praying they can bring him back. Imagine loosing a friend to a stupid reason, to such a nonsense thing that should have never happened. Never leave a brother. Never take it off. Imagine.

Imagine going back to the fire house and seeing all those plates on the table and not enough men to eat from them. Imagine going to sleep in the bunk room and seeing his empty bed, knowing he would never sleep in that bed again. Imagine you brother, your friend, your coworker, never coming to work a shift with you again.

Imagine seeing those beautiful children and not having an answer why you survived and their father did not. Imagine going home and being able to see your wife and kids and in the back of your mind you know John's wife is still explaining to their children that daddy is with GOD in heaven. Imagine explaining faith and love to these children. To a young person there is no reasoning, there is just daddy was here now he is not. How do you keep them believing? What do you tell those children that expect GOD to keep them safe and their family safe?

There are funds all over that allow you to give to this greiving family. There are so many ways to give to this family and to help them out. Just search his name, go to any Shawnee firestation and say you want to give to John Glaser's family.

Struggle

2010-06-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

I continue to struggle with being married and living a good distance from family. I continue to struggle with friends that are not there (is there something wrong with me? do i not know how to be a friend). I continue to struggle with working nights and working so many hours of my life away. I continue to struggle with keeping my house perfectly clean and organized. I continue to struggle with accepting my husband for who he is. I continue to struggle.

BUT....
As I read a little of Derek and Shea Poe's blog I realized I have it easy. They were married and ran off to South Africa almost immediately. They wanted to make a difference and help out the families there that had nothing. They are miles away from family and friends and a world that they were comfortable in. They can only talk on the phone or internet with their loved ones.

I would love to have the courage to go a world away and help out people in need. I would love to have the life of these two young adventure GOD loving people. I cannot even be an hour away from my sister and her kids.

My point here is that I want so much to be somewhere and someone else. But I am so very blessed to be where I am and have what I have. I have a great paying job, a wonderful family, shoes on my feet (a few pairs ), clothes on my back (a closet full), groceries in the kitchen, and a walmart a few blocks away if I run out (AND MONEY TO BUY THE FOOD ), we both ahve a vehicle to drive where we wanna go, I have an abundance of kisses and hugs when I see the babies, a hubby to snuggle with, a church that wants to feed me, and a GOD that loves me more than I coule ever dream of.

I AM BLESSED.

now if only i could remind myself of this every day and stop with the crying and sadness

Snapshot Sunday ~ Spinning Ainzley

2010-05-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

I found Snapshot Sunday through my sister, Tina Michelle, over at My Life As It Is.

This is my beautiful niece, Ainzley.
Ainzley LOVES to spin.

Her criteria for picking out clothing is always, "Something that spins!"

She also has to fix her hair!

Oh how blessed I am to have my sweet little Ainzley!

Life Changing...

2010-05-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

I am ...

LOST

CONFUSED

SAD

LONELY

UNLOVED

UNWANTED

UNHAPPY

WONDERING WHERE MY LIFE IS REALLY GOING....

HURT

ANGRY

MISSING MY BABIES

JUST PLAIN UNHAPPY AND LONELY

I have it wrong

2010-01-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

I am supposed to be the Christian here.... my sister is the lost and confused one and yet she has it so on the dot and correct and I, well, Im not really sure what is wrong with me.

She is grateful for all that she has even though so many things go wrong for her... I complain when the smallest things are wrong and most things go right for me. She appreciates and loves her husband unconditionally... and I seeth with anger towards him when he does one small thing. She can see that Christmas needs to be about something other than presents, she doesn't believe in GOD but still sees the need to make Christmas about family and love... I believe Christmas is about celebrating Jesus and love and family but I also think presents are a huge part of it.

I have so much to learn from her... not only what NOT to o with my kids but also how to love unconditionally... it is amazing that she does not know Jesus yet knows how to love like him (if only she could have that for her father and step mother).

I am sad that I have this nice place to live in (big enough for both of us and our carp plus extra space for guests) and yet I complain that I live too far away. I am sad that we dont have everything we want, yet both of us work full time making more money than anyone Iknow. Both of us are willing to work all the overtime we can (which is very easy to get where we work). We are able to pay all our bills, get the things we need, and even get some things we dont need. My husband loves me very much and tries his hardest to show me, he has his own way of showing me that doesnt always go with how I think he should.

So im gonna try harder this year. Im gonna try to see the good in everything... I wanna enjoy my husband instead of get angry with him when he does something different. I want to enjoy my life and my husband and my family.

Cry

2009-11-27T12:48:00.001-08:00

I cry and I cry and I cry and I have no idea why. Alone in my truck all the way home or to familys house I cry. At home alone while cooking dinner I cry. I get teary eyed at work and have to stop myself from crying, I wanna cry almost all the time.

Is married life or life changing supposed to make me so sad. Am I really sad because I am married, or because I just moved out of my comfort zone, or because I am 26 and still working just to pay bills. Am I sad that I have no life except work, am I sad that I am not in school or working towards a goal. Am I sad that I sleep with a man instead of cuddling with my precious princesses everynight.

Maybe this huge life change is taking its toll on me.. maybe I am finally realizing just how much of a loser I am. Maybe I am missing my princesses too much. Maybe I am realizing that to my family (well some members) I am a nobody that deserves no love or attention.

I guess I just dont know why I cry all the time but it feels so good to cry. It feels good to let it all out and be alone. I wish I knew why though.

Marriage

2009-10-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! In less than one month I will be Mrs. Shawn Bullock... I am nervous, excited, scared, happy, sad, emotional, and so many other feelings. I am nervous we wont get everything done and it wont turn out right. I am sad to leave my sissies house and lose the story bedtimes and whenever shopping trips. I am happy to be married and actually live with my husband and have a place of my own. Believe it or not I cannot wait to set up the bills and the checking and savings accounts... hopefully he will let me set it up and then give me his input (its something I like to do). I also cannot wait to clean up everything and organze everything... He can set up the kitchen, the spare bathroom, and the office... but maybe he will let me do everything else.

I know silly to think I am looking forward to the little things. I want to have little sleep overs with the girls and movie nights with the boy. Life will settle down and things will get a little easier... I have half my stuff at his house and half my stuff at my house and a ton of crap in my truck. Finally all my stuff will be in one place and I will be able to organize it all.

So less than one month for the wedding and we still have a few dollars to come up with and then the reception is just a few days past that and we still have some money to come up with for that. I hope we can make this all happen otherwise I will be sad.

Sad

2009-09-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of hearing excuses and apologies on the side for people being mean and rude. It is unfair and disrespectful to yell at people and act a fool because you are sad or mad at another person. When do people grow up and realize that they need to act their age? I'd say over 40 means that you are not allowed to throw a fit anymore just because you didn't get your way. If you are upset at someone than guess what you should do.... go talk to them... don't throw a fit and throw things around your house and yell at other people and make life miserable for everyone else around you.

If you have a child please stick up for that child. It is your job as a parent to let no harm (physically, emotionally or mentally) come to that child. If someone is yelling at your kid make it stop... if someone treats your child wrong tell them to stop. Allow noone to treat your child wrong in no way. Stand up, be a man, take charge, and stick up for your child.

If someone is sad because of whatever resason... do not disreguard their feelings with nonsense. All people have a right to feel the way they do... just because you do not agree with how they feel about whatever situation does not mean you have the right to make them feel worse about it.

I am sick of people telling me to just get over it and live with it and grow up and forgive.... I am sick of not being important enough to anyone. I have feelings and I get sad and just because you don't agree with me on it does not mean I still don't feel that way. And stop telling me that they were just in a bad mood, or that's just how they are or their meds are messed up.

If you cannot be an adult and realize that everyone has feelings and everyone has a right to have feelings and that we are all adults and we talk about our feelings not throw fits than don't talk to me.

I am sad and upset and feel that there is just no outlet for me. Most people around me are telling me to just forgive and forget and let people treat me the way they do and just deal with the fact that that is how they are. Or they question why I am even upset and what ground do I have to stand on for being upset and maybe this person needs this or maybe this person needs that.

I am simply sad and feel that ... well that my world is falling apart and the people in my life seem to think I should not be sad.

Marriage

2009-08-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

Im getting married in less than 100 days and excited as much as I am scared. I cannot wait to wake up to Shawn every morning and go to bed with him every night. I am excited to do dinner and breakfast together and just plan our days together, sitting at home or running errands. I am totally scared of combining our lives though. I mean once we are married there will be a ton of compromise and do it our way not just my way. YIKES!!!

I keep looking at these couples that have been married for a substantial amount of time and I look for certain things that have kept them together. The number one thing I see in the type of marriage I want is communication and the willingness to work through anything. Growing up I was taught that if it doesn't work your way just leave. Or if you want something better just go for it. I think he was taught something different but just as bad.

I want a marriage that will last a lifetime. I want a husband that will stand by me no matter what and that is willing to work through anything. I want a husband that desires to be a full hands on father, husband and house cleaner (willing to help with all the house chores). I want a husband that wants to love me all the time, even in times of trial. A husband to show me how much he loves me on an everyday basis.

When I look at other couples I see the ones that have struggled the most have the most love. I get so sick of people telling me "o we NEVER EVER EVER EVER fight ... we have the most perfect marriage EVER"! What marriage is really like this? What marriage really works where there is never a fight or arguement? It doesn't . Someone is not happy in that situation because one person is always giving too much and not receiving enough.

I think about the couple that almost sold their house before realizing that they were truly in love and wanted to work hard at it. Another couple that went off and on for years before realizing it was true love and they were meant to be married once they were married it took work and communication and respect for each to make it work. Another that has decided that through any discussion or arguemant they will always work through it together and never go to bed mad. These couples that I see realize that marriage is hard work and that they both must have a dedication to each other. I admire this, I admire the truth and honesty that I get from these people.

I love Shawn whole heartedly and cannot wait to marry him. I will keep looking to these married couples that have been there and done that for support and knowledge.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-06T18:57:00.001-07:00

Just need to scream and let out some frustration.

I need a girlfriend to talk to whenever I need an ear to listen to me. I need someone to talk about life with and help me when I am at my whits end.

Sometimes I feel like I cant go through this anymore.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Just a Little CDO!

2009-07-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

Because I titled this blog "Just a Little OCD" I thought I'd share a little bit of that side of me.

I must take a shower in the certain order every time I shower. It is a routine that must happen when I shower or my day is messed up. I have no idea why except maybe it is a control thing.

I must check to make sure I locked my truck at least twice before I go inside somewhere, I also must check to make sure my truck is still there (where I parked it) sometimes several times before bed and while I am visiting people. I have this fear someone is going to rob me of my things that I go overbaord. I check to make sure I have my phone and wallet and like every 5 minutes because someone could steal it from my pocket with out me knowing. I dont even carry a purse out side of the house in fear it will be stolen or taken from me. I have had my purse stolen from me once and my car has been broken into and all of my cds have been taken. I have been robbed once at work and had family had a burgler/rapist come into her house.

I guess most of my cdo (if it is true ocd you have to alphabatize it LOL) comes from past experience and television. Im not gonna lie, if I see it on tv I think what if that happens to me.

I check to make sure the girls are breathing often throughout the night, especially if I am the only one home with them. I worry so bad to the point of throwing up when I am home with the kids by myself... because I think someone is gonna break into the house and steal them from me. When we go out with the kids I watch them closely and have problems letting the 9 year old walk about by himself.

My brain plays out the scenerios I am so afraid of and my heart starts to beat out of my chest I tell myself what I would do if this or that happened. I hate it. I picture people I love all the time dying in front of me, me having to go to a car crash or drowning of a loved one, or me taking the 911 call of my familys emergency.

My brain just plays all the bad things out all the way, I start crying really believing it to be true. It is horrible, I have had these daymares be so bad as a man taking Jet or Zbear out of my hands and not being able to stop him. I hate having these and want them to stop so bad. I tell myself to stop thinking, I pray in the middle of them, I tell myself it is not real... I think this is the worst thing that I have to deal with. This and I want to stay home alone with the kids and not get so sick with worry.

Anyway just a few things I struggle with.

THE NEED TO BE SPECIAL

2009-07-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

I grew up with a twin sister, 3 little brothers and a family with 5 kids that always hung out with us. I never felt that I got my special time with mom or dad or that I was ever given any individual attention. I always wanted to have more special me time with my parents but that never happened. I was grouped with my twin sister and my moms friends' 5 kids. I was always told to go play with the other kids, go clean with the other kids, go eat with the other kids. In school I was always compared to my twin and grouped with other kids.

I think I now have issues. Still when I chat with my parents I get interrupted by cell phones, grandkids, other kids, tv, computer. I still cannot get that special attention I want. I think I need counseling. LOL

If I want to talk with my mom alone and tell her about my life and wedding I have to take her out to dinner without anyone else and I still have to compete with the cell phone.

If I want to chat with my daddy on my own I have to take him and his family out to dinner and compete with all of them. Then it is all about him forever. UGH!!!

Am I a baby or crazy or something. I just wanna be special. I want you to pay attention to me when I talk and make me feel important (Act like you care about me and my life and focus on me for a minute without interruptions)

I am going to try my hardest to always make my kids feel individually special. I want them to grow up knowing that they are unique and special in their own way. I want to have mother/daughter and mother/son dates and have father/daughter and father/son dates also.

I love my alone time with my neices and nephew. I love being able to snuggle with just one and let them know they are my special little one.

What is it with people?

2009-07-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

You find someone hurt or injured or sick and you call 911. This is all fine and dandy, help out your local citizens. But really does it end there, call 911 - tell them the address. Thats it thats all you do, really ??

How about walking over and seeing if they are still alive, if maybe you can do anything to help. Why not give the dispatchers a little more info, like is he breathing?, is he conscious? Have you ever thought that maybe there is something you can do to help while the ambualnce is en route? There are things dispatchers can help you do to help out the pt while help is coming.

I think if you are going to help... then help, really really help. If you don't care to help than dont call. Don't bother trying to show that you are an upstanding citizen if you really do not care.

O and by the way if you are standing right next to someone at a car wreck and they are on the phone with 911 --- why are you calling too? I mean comon people. We need the person sitting next to the injured person or maybe have the injured person call. We don't need 10 different people calling, it really helps more to have the ONE person call that actually knows what is going and and that ONE person who can stay on the phone with us long enough to help the poor injured soul.

JUST RANTING AND RAVING.

Dont even get me started on nursing home nurses..... WOW!!!

We will just say that I will kill my self before I ever let someone put me in one of those homes

To b or not to b

2009-06-27T17:17:00.001-07:00

Baptize that is.

I want to get baptized but don't want to get baptized.

I can't really explain why or why not just that I am really confused on the whole issue as with other religion related things. I feel that I am truly in awe of HIM and want to follow GOD for the rest of my life, but why should I make a big spectacle of it.

I know that Jeses was baptized and the Bible makes it sound important, but I know I am a new creation and HE knows I am a true believer and new creation, why should I make a show of it.

And then there is the part where someone will take my head and put it into the water. SCARY!!!

I don't know why I feel so confused about certain things... I mean I know what the Bible says about things and that is HIS word. I just don't know why I question so many things and can't do certain things that HE says we should do.

So should I get baptized or not? I think my fiance wants me to be before we are married, which is like a few months away.

Just confused

And the best big brother award goes to ....

2009-06-27T06:36:00.001-07:00

CHAZ..

He was so sweet last night ... him, Brijet and I cuddled up in my bed and he read Beemers a bedtime story (which in turn put me right to sleep).

He is so good with the girls most of the time. He will read to them or with them, he will swim with them and play with them. He will carry them or get them food or water (sometimes sneak chips and candy with them).

He truly is a great big brother! Now if we could just keep the girls from touching his stuff he would be an even better big brother.

Tenth Avenue North -- Hold My Heart

2009-06-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You?
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my kneesFather,
will You turn to me
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid,
afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
So many questions without answers
Your promises remainI can't see but
I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

2009-06-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your faceJust don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
I'll be by your side
wherever you fall
In the dead of night
whenever you call
Please don't fight
these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
Here at my side
wherever you fall
In the dead of night
whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
And I, I love you
And I want you to knowThat
I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

Is it wrong to be jealous???

2009-05-19T06:52:00.001-07:00

I want to be like those people at church... they perform on stage, they know each other well, they hang out with each other, their kids are friends...

I want to have that bond with other people, with other families and couples. I want to have bible study with other couples. I want to do coffee with other families and have that closeness with another woman that I see so much around me.

I want to do more for the LORD. I want to help out in the church and know everyone that attends my church. I want kids and parents to respect me and chat with me. I see so many people at Shoal Creek that fit into some click or another and I want that.

But I cant have that because I have to work every stupid weekend of my life. I cannot volunteer for anything anywhere because I have to work. I want to quit work and volunteer my life and time to the church and other foundations that help children.

I know, I know, I dont ever seem happy and satisfied... I am just wanting more and more and more. I feel like I am running in a circle and not getting very far. I want to move forward. I want to have a more fullfilled life, a more rewarding life.

Is it so wrong to be jealous of those people that seem to have all that I want and more. I am happy for them I just want that.

Im Bummed

2009-05-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Im totally bummed today and cannot seem to feel better. I feel like I am messing up a ton on this new job and I just cannot get the hang of things. I keep doing things wrong and as much as some of the guys up here are nice some are just not so nice or wanting to help. I kinda feel that I am wasting some of their time by asking questions. ERR!!!

I feel very unloved and unwanted and all alone at the very moment and I don't like it one bit I do not like it.

I am bummed and depressed and sad and wanna cry and well Im just bummed.

Fear

2009-05-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

My church has been speaking about fear all this month. I thought I would share a few of my fears.

I have a horrible fear of death. I am always fearfull that I or someone I love will die in a very bad way. If I am home alone with the kids I walk into Ainzleys room all the time to make sure she is still breathing... I walk through the house and make sure the whole house is locked up tight like a million times... I usually keep my self awake until Wen and Michelle come home. I am so afraid that someone will break into our home and take the kids or me or (there are so many bad thoughts swimming around in my head). I pray so hard and for so long when I start to have these thoughts and yet I still get so excited.... my heart so beating so fast and hard I can barely hear myself breath... I try to hold my breath so I can listen for intruders... It is horrible

I fear that if I come home late at night I will find the house on fire with the kids inside and I will have to run inside and get them out. I have these stupid scenerios go on inside my head and I want so bad for them to go away. It's like I have a plan or at least a thought process for what I should do in just about any case.

I fear that I will run a call with my sister and the kids in a mangled car or any family member. Or that I will have to take a call telling my sister how to do cpr on her own kids. Or WOW!!! There are so many fears in my head that keep me awake at night... I pray and pray and pray and the fears always come back sooner than later.

I was hoping that by listening to all the sermons on fear... I would somehow come up with this solution and all would be fixed :( I did get some answers but I guess I was looking for a quick fix not something that might take a little longer.

So for now I will live with necrophobia and just keep putting my faith and life in GOD's hands and see what he really has in store for me and my loved ones.

Sometimes you just wanna be held

2009-05-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

Ainzley woke up this morning wanting some snuggle time with mommy. So mommy sat with her and held her tight for as long as possible. They cuddled and snuggled and talked and just had some alone time. Ainzley enjoyed it so much. Then mommy had to get everyone else up for church... oops snuggle time ran a little late and we got to church right after it started.

After church Ainzley was so tired and hungry and needed some more snuggle time. So I snuggled with her and shared her juice and tv time. We cuddled and snuggled and had a few moments alone. She was all better. We had lunch and went off for nap time.

It made me think how sometimes I just need alone time and snuggle time with my Father. There are times I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out. It's like I need to sit in my Father's lap and be told that everything will be okay and that I am the only thing HE is focusing on at that moment in time. It feels good to just sit in silence and focus on HIM healing me.

If only I can feel that much better when I start to have those anxiety attacks over fear...

New Position

2009-05-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well I am officially a system status controller... YAY :()

I'm not quite sure how I am going to like it. I am pretty sure everyone on nights hates me, thank GOD I am getting a day shift. I think there are too many drama queens in here and too many lazy people.... and they just feed off each other.

On the other hand there are quite a few very nice people up here. They will help me with anything I am having trouble with and they are very kind to me to my face at least.

There are also just a few people up there that think they are the queens of the world and people are dumb and should succumb to them. Okay maybe I am a little extravagant here, but it seems they are very mean to me and I have never done a thing to them. They act snotty and rude. Not very nice. I guess I will just have to be extra nice and try to teach them that kindness is the way to go.

I am now stuck working every single Saturday and every other Sunday. Although I will get to go to church every other Sunday I am still upset I cannot go every Sunday. I am tired of having to work weekends.... UGH!!!

Anyway good news... I will get to go to church with Shawn on Wednesday evenings.

There is my rant for the moment....

Chaz

2009-05-09T19:27:00.001-07:00

My little, big man. I love you!

You are so very smart and in some ways more grown up than you should be at this age. You are so very sweet and kind and loving when you want to be. You love science and anything that you have to figure out.

You are the most amazing brother when you wanna be. It is just adorable when you cuddle with your sisters and read to them. I love when you share your snacks with the girls. You are such a good big brother.

I love being your buddy and hanging out with you.

I love you Chaz.

Ainzley

2009-05-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

My little china doll. You are so cute

You have to have everything your way and your way only. You will scream and throw a fit if it goes any other way.

You have a strange love for shoes and feet. You are always trying to walk around in other peoples shoes and you love taking off your shoes and putting them back on. Again and Again.

You love food, just about anything that you can eat you will eat. You eat when daddy eats, you eat when I eat, you eat when mommy eats, you eat anyones food anytime of day. It is cute.

You love to carry your baby around with you and you love to play mommy. You will pet Chaz and BriJet when they pretend to be cats and dogs, you look so sincere when you do like you actually think they are animals. (Maybe it is just that you think they are weird).

You are truly an amazing little girl and I love that you love me. When you grab my face to kiss me it melts my heart.

I love you Z

BriJet

2009-05-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

My little princess, BriJet. I love you so much!

You love to play like you are an animal, you get all into being a cat and a dog. We have to pet you and give you treats and have you do tricks. It is so incredibly funny especially when Ainzley actually pets you treats you like a realy kitty cat.

You are so excited about your party because you get to eat cake and get presents. It is very cute to hear you say all these words, and that you are going to have a princess party. I cannot believe you are going to be three soon.

I love when you sleep with me, cuz I can cuddle with you and you will cuddle back. I love watching movies with you and reading books with you. You are so smart and adorable and the worst part is... you know it.

You love to wear dresses and dress up like a princess. You love playing in the dirt and putting on lip gloss. You are truly a girly girl tomboy, if there is such a thing. You love to eat chips and salad and everything in between.

I love you so much Jett

I love my hunnybear!!

2009-05-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

It is hard to put into words my feelings for Shawn. I love him so much and can feel it in my heart, yet putting it on paper (or in this case typing it) is hard.

I love it when he does stuff for me, he doesn't have to but he wants to make sure the day goes smoother for me. He will make a lunch for me and pack it before work. He will do my laundry for me. He will simply go shopping for me if I could not get to it. It's like all I have to do is say that something might not get done that I need done and he is doing it. I love that about him.

When I am not feeling well or just in a bad mood, he will try to make me feel better or just leave me alone until I start to feel better. He is so good to me. He will rub my back and fix me dinner. Shawn really is amazing.

I love the fact that he wants to be a hands on daddy. I hear so much about how women cannot get their husbands to "babysit" thier kids. I almost feel that I will have to beg him to go out and let me stay home with the kids.

He doesn't mind doing laundry and dishes and he LOVES to cook and bake. What more could a woman want. A man that loves kids, cooking, and cleaning. Okay saying he loves to clean would be wrong, but he doesn't mind doing it if it needs to be done.

Shawn is very smart and funny (so maybe some of his jokes are a little umm... strange). I love my hunnybear. He is so sweet and kind hearted and lovable and cuddly and cute and .... well I could go on and on.

I kinda miss him, with our schedules it is hard to get together. And when we are together it is run, run, run, to get wedding stuff accomplished.

Medic School

2009-05-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

There is a new paramedic class that is about to start and I was thinking I might sign up. I could apply to be one of the students that gets a paid tuition. They accomodate well with a work schedule and the school would be paid for. The problem would be me having to work for 2 years after to pay back the school price.

I think I would be good in the class and it would really teach me a ton. Would I really want to work out in the streets as a medic though? COuld I handle being the one in charge of someones life? Could I handle dealing with different emts?

All the what if and could bes... I guess I will just have to pray about it.

Dispatch

2009-04-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

Wow!!! This dispatch thing is crazy. My mind is completely fried and I am only on the third week. The people we have to talk to are not the easiest to talk to. Then you add the fact that you have to explain to someone how to do cpr or breath for someone they love.

Next we have to deal with our own crews... not the easiest task in the world. They are mean and hateful, yet sometimes very sweet. I guess I never knew how hard this was gonna be.

I am told I am doing amazingly well. My CTO thinks I have actually been a dispatcher before. I can handle primary very well even during the busy hours, I feel awful when I have to give someone a late call or take them off lunch. My call taking skills are improving more everyday. I am getting better at figuring out what to do on calls and how to talk to people and how to understand the slang people use.

WEll I have at least one more week maybe more then I will find out what shift I will be put on. This sucks that I had my schedule all figured out and now it is so up in the air. I feel like my life is all mixed up and turned upside down and there is no way to fix it right now...

Where do I belong

2009-04-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, well most of the time, I feel so out of place. No matter where I am or who I am with I still feel that I just do not belong. I feel as though people are nice to me just because they feel sorry for me or wanna try to make me more like them. I feel that I am literally invisable pretty much every where I go. I wanna fit in. I wanna feel wanted and needed but in the end I feel in the way and out of place.

I wish I had the confidence I see in many people. I want to be wanted and invited. I wish my hunny and I had a handful of close friends that we could hang out with. Instead we do things just the two of us.

Do not get me wrong, I hate going to bars and places like that. Simply because I hate drinking and although it is hilarious to watch drunk people fall all over themselves, I feel uncomfortable around those people. I hate when drunk people hang on me and well I had the worst experience with a drunk guy once before so my guard is up. Anyway way off track... I don't like bars because they are icky and sticky and loud full of drunk people and worst of all they smell like smoke, almost to the point of suffocation.

I hate being in a huge crowded place, it feels as though I could be lost or assaulted at any given moment. I get so nervous in crowds that I start to hyperventilate. I know sounds crazy.

I love doing quiet dinners with freinds, but sometimes it seems hard to focus on the discussion at hand, especially when more than one conversation is going on. I love going to church but once again you have the .. are they being nice because they really like you as a person or do they feel the need to be nice because they are in GOD's house???

The friends I thought or think are my friends have such a hard time calling me back or messaging me back that I often wonder why??? DO they really wanna hear from me and chat and just get busy with life or do they intentionally ignore me until I just stop calling??

Is it me?? DO I put off this personality that noone likes? Do I tell bad jokes or make people feel unwanted? Do I pick and chose the ones that I will talk back with?? Am I too judgemental? Do I take things too personally?

Where do I belong? WHat am I meant to do? WHo are my friends supposed to be?

Love Hurts Sometimes

2009-04-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

When you think you're in love
Look at GOD up above
And ask if it's true
Does he really love you

When he walked out
You tried not to pout
When you thought of
his love for you
Was it ever really true

Now that he's gone
You try to move on
He has a new life
While you're just his old wife

You try to be friends
But then it all ends
Cause he has to be a dick
When your kids are all sick

Now that your through
With the picture you both drew
Because the picture is torn
And the baby's not even born

So say good bye
To the long tie
That you both had
Because it was really bad

Now you have a new man
But he can't understand
That you have another love
And he's not your only dove

My sister and I wrote this in sixth grade sitting in our room bored one night...
I think we should have been thinking of other things than seperation and divorce at that young of age

Ummm stuff

2009-04-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

I have so many thoughts running through my head but it seems hard to put it to paper. I want to let it all out but how do I say things without upsetting someone or making people think weird of me. It is funny how I can be so close to some people yet so far away and feel so alone.

I feel like I am in a room full of people and they no not who I am nor can they see me. I have so many thoughts and feelings about things and people and myself and still I cannot tell anyone. When you say something to someone it gets twisted and turned until it reaches someone else and then the fight is on between all kinds of people.

I want to be able to chat with a girlfriend about whatever and know that what we talk about stays with us. I want to have a best friend that will tell me when I screw up and remind me to talk about the good things as well as the bad. I want a friend that is never afraid to talk with me, someone that understands me and the world I live in. I want to listen to her life and how she deals with different stress levels and how wonderful her life is.

I feel like my life is so short lived, I simply work and spend time my hunny and the babies. Where is the coffee stops with a best friend? Where is my dinner dates with a girlfriend, where we both look forward to it all week long? Where is my girlfriend to help pick out a wedding dress with me? And tell me the ones that are gorgeous for the wedding I desire not the one she desires? Where is the girlfriend that will gladly help me plan my dream wedding no matter how simple I want it?

AHH!!! I just want a best friend of my own. I know I sound crazy, but I want it I want it I want it...

Randomness

2009-04-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day, besides the headache all day. I managed to get up in time to attend church and I rather enjoyed the speaker for the day. He was very funny and had some wisdom to share. I cannot wait until Shawn and I have every Sunday off so we can attend church as a couple. I got to see my daddy and help the girls adjust to him once again, he is not very involved in their lives so they forget who he is. Then I got some Jet and Jen alone time, much needed, much enjoyed.

I took Jet out, just the two of us, to get a new pair of tennis shoes. We went to IHOP for some french fries and sodas and then off to Target fot shoes. She insisted on bringing her own shopping cart and pushed it around the store, she even put her shoes in the little basket and pushed them up to the front. She had a clean pullup all day and managed to tell me everytime she had to go use her potty. My baby girl is growing up so fast :(

Dad was the same old dad. He just kinda survives in life and thats it really. I want more for him and I wish I could help him or make him happier, but I don't know what to do.

Shawn had to work today and it seems everytime I got to chat with him he would get a call and have to hang up. I feel a little sad and disconnected from him at the moment and cannot wait for him to get off of work so I can have a full conversation with him and tell him all about church.

Well my hunny is calling so I will write more later.

I need a photographer!!!!!

2009-03-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

I need a photographer for a wedding reception only. WE are getting married in Jamaica and we will use their photographer, now we need one for our reception. We are going to have a lot of family come in from out of town and really need some good pix with them. ANyone have any ideas on who to use? It would be in Shawnee Kansas area.

We also need caterers and someone that is capable of roasting a hog. YES !! I said roast a hog, thats what my hunny wants to do and well as long as I dont have to look at it I will be okay.

Wedding planning

2009-03-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

This whole wedding planning is just not for me. It is mind boggling the things I need to think about to purchase for the reception. Then I have to make sure we have everything for the actual trip and wedding attire and dinner clothes... UGH!!!

There is the dj or sound system or whatever we use, the guest book, the food, the pig, the roaster, the fondue pot, the table linens, the table toppers, the rose kisses, the pen for the guest book, the clothes to wear to the thing, the clothes to wear to Jamaica, the swinsuits, teh flip flops, the .............................................

UGH!!!!! THis all seems overwhelming and getting Shawn to plan anything with me is getting hard. He tells my "all your ideas are so good lets go with that..." or "we can plan it later"...

Just wanted to vent for a minute

Stop feeding the homeless booze!!!

2009-02-27T20:00:00.001-08:00

I am pretty sure most people know this but I feel the need to say it so that maybe the few that don't can figure it out... When you give money to a homeless guy on the street he takes that money and buys the biggest cheapest vodka he can get. Liquer stores do not care about how intoxicated the person is or how much they need to buy food, they look at getting money from the poor guy.

If you really feel bad for the guy sitting on the corner near the plaza then give him the sandwich form your lunchbox or maybe a duffle bag to carry all his stuff around in or give him a coat to stay warm with. I really think we need to step up and do something about these guys. As an emt, I scrape these men off the streets at ten in the morning, yes that early in the morning and they are already so trashed they cannot walk straight. The regulars usually end up burning bridges at most hospitals and with most people that must deal with them. These men are human, they are GOD's children too. We should not have to see them this way.

There are so many mission centers and places for people to stay, many places have drop off sites so you can leave clothes and whatever else. I feel like the more money we give to these people the more harm they are doing to themselves. The more harm they do to themselves the more tax money we pay to take care of them.

Think about it, someone gives them just enough money to buy a pint and a six pack of beer. They might get some more money and score another pint or more and well that much alcohol in a day can harm your liver. They become so slobbering drunk that they fall down and pass out thus creating the need for an ambulance ride to the hospital. A day and maybe even a night in a hospital and then they can go to start all over again. Not only are we as a country paying for this guy to buy the alcohol we are also paying for him to ride to the hospital and spend the night. And maybe months down the road or even years we get to pay for him to be hospitalized for liver failure.

I am not saying shoo the homeless away, just be catious of what you are giving them. These guys need coats and blankets for the winter, maybe long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. They need backpacks or duffle bags to carry their stuff in. They need actual food, not money to buy food, but food to eat. Make them a small brown bag lunch and drop it off on the usual corner you see them at. Give them a bottle of water, dehydration is not so good either. Point them in the direction of free meals and places to stay maybe even small time jobs (althought most are homeless by choice and refuse to work).

After you look at all the wrong reasons to give a homeless guy money there are so many more reasons. Some are on numerous meds for various reasons and alcohol makes it worse, even if they don't take the meds. Just having a certain disorder can be seriously life threatening when you add booze.

So the next time you see someone standing on a corner begging for whatever, really think about what you are going to give him to help him out. Find out where they stay and bring them a sack full of food, or maybe a nice dinner a month instead of throwing money at them.

Update

2009-02-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well I managed to talk to my hunny and all is well, after some very hard discussions. Luckily we made it through and the wedding is still on and he recognizes my need for space and I am learning to help him with his trust issues. I guess once you have been hurt those little thoughts never quite leave the back of your mind.

We have settled on Jamaica for a wedding and honeymoon. I am so very excited, we are leaving KC on Nov 7th, getting married on Nov 10th and returning to KC on Nov 16th. I cannot wait, and already I am making a list of what to bring in my head.

Now to settle on the reception... !!!UGH!!! I am pretty sure we are having to reception in OP KS or something like that and I think it will be the last weekend in November. We are still not sure on what we are going to serve, wether or not we will have a dj or jsut play some cds. I don't know if we will make invites or buy them, I don't even know who all will be invited. I am not even sure what time we will have it or exactly what day.
What I do know is...
We will roast a pig and most likely serve foods that will go with pig-YUCK!
We will do the dollar dance and father daughter dance YAY!
I hope to have a white chocolate fondue dip thing, not even sure where to go for that.
We will play our wedding during the reception for all to see, and hopefully we will get to show off more pix from our whole trip.

We do know that we will move into his house for a few short months and then rent or buy a place, hopefully his mom gives us that bigger bed (a twin is too small). Um!!! Well Im sure there is much more to think about, he will just add me to his insurance for cars and health. And I think we will continue to go to his church for now, ..... So much to think about and plan.....

I am so ready to get to Jamaica and be married already, but I am not ready to leave my sissies house. I love living there and I love seeing the kids all the time. I am very afraid he will limit my time with the kids to a small amount. I want to see them grow daily, I don't wanna be a monthly visitor I wanna be a daily or weekly visitor. I want them to come over for sleep overs, and movie nights.

Anyhow that is my update. O Im sure I could ramble on for even longer but I must get some sleep tonight...

PS any good marriage advice is accepted graciously
The number one key I keep hearing is communication and the ones that arent afraid of affending me tell me to keep GOD as number one and your marriage is sure to have a head start!

Kate says it so well...

2009-02-06T19:46:00.000-08:00

Yes I am totally and utterly in love with Jon and Kate plus 8. The children are amazingly beautiful and well behaved for the most part. Jon and Kate love each other to the moon and back again and still they argue and fight over dumb stuff. I love watching the episodes and I love watching them grow as a family. They are truly in it until end and nothing and noone will stop them. I love that they realize that they are not perfect and they just try, try, try. I hope to one day try that hard in my marriage (I think I am spelling that wrong).

ANyway I just finished reading her book (thank you hunny) and I found some really cool scripture to live by. It seems to work for her so why not apply it to my life...

Philippians 4:19
And my GOD will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning

Isiah 40:31
those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

I loved the six lessons she learned from GOD...
GOD is in control
GOD is gracious and strong
GOD can be trusted
GOD is love
GOD will provide
Give GOD the glory and praise

WOW!!! THis reminds me to open my bible more often and really read the word and soak it up. I need to apply more of HIM to my life, no I need to hand over my all to HIM. I, once again, will try way harder to just give it all to HIM and live through HIM.

Maybe I am rambling sorry. I just feel that those times I just relax and give my struggles to HIM, to GOD, I am so thankful and it makes it so much better.

SO here I am GOD. My life is in your hands and I am just your child obeying your commands. My relationship with SHawn is up to you, where we go with it is in your hands (I really like him LORD). My financial situation is at your door, tell me where to turn with my money and I shall obey. My work stresses are at your feet, please teach me to be whatever you have planned for me to be and I shall follow. My family is in your hands, teach me to preach the gospel to them without offending them (I do wish for my whole family to be saved). My friends, the ones I shall make and the ones I have, are at your fate; you choose who shall stay and who shall leave, who shall come into my life and who won't. My health is also in your hands, what you say goes with how I spend my days on this earth.

I am thankful for...

2009-01-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for so many things in my life, at times I forget just how wonderfully blessed I am. I pray that I always appreciate everything I have and never take it for granted because I am undeserving of all that I have yet I have it.

I have a wonderful nephew, Chaz, that loves me with his whole heart. Chaz is smart and handsome and a really great back rubber. I love learning about his day and all the knowledge he has absorbed. I don't always show him and I don't always appreciate him, but I love him dearly and I am truly blessed to have him as a nephew.

I am so amazed at BriJet, my first neice. She is so smart and gorgeous, she loves to sing and dance and dress as a princess. BriJet thinks she is a princess and should be treated as such, I love this about her. I love her little girly personality and the way she loves on me when she has not seen me in just a few hours. I am so blessed to have her in my life and I am excited to watch her grow and turn into a beautiful young china princess.

I have a beautiful baby girl, Ainzley, the youngest neice. I love the little words that come out of her mouth and the excitement she shows when she sees me. I love that she hugs me so tight and gives me the biggest kisses ever. She is such a copy cat and wants to do whatever sissie and Chaz get to do. I am so blessed to be able to watch her grow and learn and turn into a gorgeous china princess.

I am very blessed to have a twin sister that takes such good care of me. I love Michelle to pieces, she does so much for me on a daily basis, I love that I can be such a huge part of her life. I love to watch her grow as a mommy and a wife and I learn so much from her. I am truly blessed to have someone so close to chat anytime I need (well with little voices thrown in there also).
I am blessed to have a BIL, Wen, that loves having me live in his house and never complains one bit that I am here. He is a wonderful man and a good daddy. Ainzley loves her daddy and cannot wait to him most days, which I love. I love living here with the whole SUN clan and wouldn't change one part of my life.

I am truly blessed where I am and with the little family I have here in this house. I pray I can always appreciate the little miracles I see in these kids on a daily basis.

Then I meet Shawn and everything just keeps getting better. I love Shawn a ton and although we have our times of trial I pray I always remember the things I love most about him. Shawn is an amazing man that has a wonderful heart. He loves kids and cannot wait to be the most hands on daddy ever. He loves the LORD with all his heart and he loves me that much too!
I love him because he does so much for me. He will give me a full body massage, even if I only ask for a back rub. He will cook dinner for me or go get it if I am hungry. He will get up extra early just to wake me for work and make a lunch to go for me. He will go out and start my truck to let it warm up before I have to leave. He says I can come to his house anytime I want just to watch tv or catch up on sleep (because at my house it is hard to sleep with 3 kids running around). He will get me flowers, cards , chocolate... just because. He does so much for Chaz, BriJet, and Ainzley because he loves me and he loves them. I am truly blessed to have a man like Shawn and I pray I can continue to acknowledge all the good inside him and not focus on the bad.

I am truly blessed.

Slowly Suffocating to Death

2009-01-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

There is no air left to breath. My lungs are empty and nothing left to fill them up. I can't breath, I can't feel, I can't see, I can't hear. There is nowhere for me to go. I try hard to gasp at anything I can to feel that nice air in through my nose and ... Nothing. There is nothing. I am soffocating and the one responsible has not a clue. How do I tell him, I can't feel my fingers to grasp at him, I can't yell or scream at him to stop. I'm slowly fading and he doesn't see me. I long for him to realize and give me that one breath I need to slowly start the process of renewing my lungs...

I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".

I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?

If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?

I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.

I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.

I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own

The New Year!! and more :(

2009-01-03T20:29:00.001-08:00

Well the new year is here and gone and it just does not seem that we switched years yet again. I had an okay new years eve, my fiance and I were supposed to attend a party and ended up just staying at his house because he didn't want to be around people. It didn't help that we had just had a fight an hour before the party was to begin.

Man this being engaged is hard stuff. Since that darn ring was put on my finger we have done nothing but argue and fight. He tells me all the time "well do you want this to be over, wanna break up"??? No you idiot I just want to be and let be. Que sera sera. I think is how it goes. I want to be in a relationship without jealousy, without vengence, without arguing, without fighting, without almost breakup talks, without stress.... But no there has to be jealous because he is jealous, there has to be vengence because he has to make everything fair, there has to be long talks and fights and arguments because he has to discuss how he is right and I believe wrong.

UGH!!!! So frustrating!! I am really starting to rethink this marriage thing. I asked him if we could just push the wedding date back to December so I had more time to pay off stuff and save up for the wedding, he wants to get married quick so we can have the honeymoon night... Who cares if we can do that or not, I want to have a memorable wedding and I want to be out of debt before that.

Well my new years blog went totally off track here. Yikes sorry!! All this frustration and nowhere to go with it.

I hope 2009 turns out to be way better than 2008 and even better than 2007. I guess I can only pray and see where this new turn takes me. Hopefully it will head me in the direction of school, maybe to be a preacher or a nurse or an electrician... You never know.

Christmas Joy!!

2008-12-26T21:29:00.001-08:00

Well Christmas went oh so not like I planned...

I woke up hours before present time and spent lots of alone time with the toilet. I got maybe a few hours of sleep before everyone woke to open presents. My plan was to shower and dress and look good for picture taking and help the girls open their gifts.

What really happened was me being so sick I sat across the room and took pictures when I could, handing the camera off to sweet fiance so I could go visit my new best friend. After hours of being so sick and trying to feel better with no relief, my guy took me to the clinic.

On Christmas Eve I would have thought nothing would be open, thank GOD walgreens was open. They said I have the flu, drink water and pedialite and rest. Also take this prescription all the way up to the North Oak store and get it filled for a gel to relieve the nausea in seconds.

Once again my plans get ruined, they are too busy to fill my prescription the way it was ordered, call the nurse from the other store, get a new form of the compund. (and noone wants to know what kind of medicine I had to take... YUCK

So I come home finally and sleep and sleep and sleep. My plans are ruined, I wanted so bad to see the kids enjoy their gifts, to play with the kids and their gifts. I wanted to actually get some family quality time with mom and dad and step mom and brothers and fiance and kids and sister... All I got was cuddle time and sleep time and a new best friend for the next couple days.

I was sick all day Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I managed to wake long enough to open presents Christmas day with fiance and then I slept off and on the rest of the day. I am not sure how many hours or days went by between the last thing I ate and the next thing I ate, but for once I was glad to be able to eat.

In the end I had a pretty good Christmas, it was my first Christmas to get presents from a guy I was with, my first Christmas to be engaged (first time ever being engaged). The kids were all happy with thier gifts, fiance was happy with his gifts. Brother managed to get a whole shopping trip out of me and walked away with 2 new outfits.

So there was my happy yet sad Christmas of 2008!!

I need more Jesus!!

2008-12-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice that when you don't go to church or read the bible you start to fall? It gets harder the longer you are away from him, like you need him to keep you in line.

Well I fall more often than not when I do not attend church, when I do not open my bible. I hated being in classes this semester because I put down my bible and picked up my textbooks. I love learning about the bible and GOD and Jesus and I love hearing the sermons of my preacher and Shawns. I just get lost when I do not learn or hear the word.

I should know that he is always there and always watching and hearing. I should know that he knows my thoughts and actions before I do them. Yet I mess up, I wonder, I do the wrong thing. Does HE want us to open the bible and study everyday, does HE want us to attend church on a regular basis, does HE want us to study HIM and everything he is about? Is the lost and lonely feeling HIS way of saying "hey come back home, visit way more than you do".

So like I tell myself all the time I am going to pick up the bible more and try to attend church more often than watching the online version of it. I am going to try harder to study HIS word more and learn from him. I am going to try to open up to HIM more and find more friends to talk with and really lay out my struggles.

Engagement!! :) Yay :(

2008-12-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

I am at home with a hurt back, wearing old sweats and a hoodie. I only leave the house to go to the doctor. I can't walk or sit for long at all, and laying down starts to hurt after a while. The muscle relaxers barely take the edge off, and I do not have any more pain killers at all.

Dad calls me and says that he wants to take me for a ride, to throw on some clothes he will be here within minutes. I am confused but put some tennis shoes on and grab a coat. I walk out give dad a hug and he asks if I really love Shawn. I tell him yes and I am very confused. He then makes sure I have a picture phone. I am so confused. I get into the van, very uncomfortable due to my back, and we start heading down the road. Dad tells me that him and Shawn had lunch earlier and that I was going to get a proposal from him. I was shocked, I couldn't believe he was off work and wanted to ask me. TODAY of all days. I was a total mess my back hurt so bad and I still had to study for finals.

We get to the place and dad walks me to the gazebo as Shawn walks along with us. Shawn takes me by the hand and says a few words, then pulls out the ring and gets down on one knee. He asks I say yes and we get into the car, it was freezing.

I am happy we are engaged just a little upset at the way it was done. I wish dad would have asked me to get dressed a little nice, he could have said he was taking me to lunch. Maybe a day that my back didnt hurt would have been nice too. I literally looked like crap, I mean I don't even think I showered that day. I was walking crooked and in pain.

O well I can't have all my happy fairy tales can I ? Maybe I can make the wedding my special day, o wait everyone is sad and doesn't want me to do it my way. I always dreamed of a sunset wedding on the beach. Okay so I have not always wanted to marry someone, in fear of divorce. But a few years back I saw a few wedding pix of a girlfriends wedding and fell in love with the idea. But famliy all wants to be there and money is tight. I am pretty sure Shawn and I could save a ton of money if we both work tons of OT. Maybe my sissie could even get her hubby to save some money for her to go.

We will still have a reception here for everyone. WE can invite everyone we wanted to celebrate with us.