Slowly Suffocating to Death

There is no air left to breath. My lungs are empty and nothing left to fill them up. I can't breath, I can't feel, I can't see, I can't hear. There is nowhere for me to go. I try hard to gasp at anything I can to feel that nice air in through my nose and ... Nothing. There is nothing. I am soffocating and the one responsible has not a clue. How do I tell him, I can't feel my fingers to grasp at him, I can't yell or scream at him to stop. I'm slowly fading and he doesn't see me. I long for him to realize and give me that one breath I need to slowly start the process of renewing my lungs...

I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".

I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?

If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?

I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.

I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.

I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own

The New Year!! and more :(

Well the new year is here and gone and it just does not seem that we switched years yet again. I had an okay new years eve, my fiance and I were supposed to attend a party and ended up just staying at his house because he didn't want to be around people. It didn't help that we had just had a fight an hour before the party was to begin.

Man this being engaged is hard stuff. Since that darn ring was put on my finger we have done nothing but argue and fight. He tells me all the time "well do you want this to be over, wanna break up"??? No you idiot I just want to be and let be. Que sera sera. I think is how it goes. I want to be in a relationship without jealousy, without vengence, without arguing, without fighting, without almost breakup talks, without stress.... But no there has to be jealous because he is jealous, there has to be vengence because he has to make everything fair, there has to be long talks and fights and arguments because he has to discuss how he is right and I believe wrong.

UGH!!!! So frustrating!! I am really starting to rethink this marriage thing. I asked him if we could just push the wedding date back to December so I had more time to pay off stuff and save up for the wedding, he wants to get married quick so we can have the honeymoon night... Who cares if we can do that or not, I want to have a memorable wedding and I want to be out of debt before that.

Well my new years blog went totally off track here. Yikes sorry!! All this frustration and nowhere to go with it.

I hope 2009 turns out to be way better than 2008 and even better than 2007. I guess I can only pray and see where this new turn takes me. Hopefully it will head me in the direction of school, maybe to be a preacher or a nurse or an electrician... You never know.

Christmas Joy!!

Well Christmas went oh so not like I planned...

I woke up hours before present time and spent lots of alone time with the toilet. I got maybe a few hours of sleep before everyone woke to open presents. My plan was to shower and dress and look good for picture taking and help the girls open their gifts.

What really happened was me being so sick I sat across the room and took pictures when I could, handing the camera off to sweet fiance so I could go visit my new best friend. After hours of being so sick and trying to feel better with no relief, my guy took me to the clinic.

On Christmas Eve I would have thought nothing would be open, thank GOD walgreens was open. They said I have the flu, drink water and pedialite and rest. Also take this prescription all the way up to the North Oak store and get it filled for a gel to relieve the nausea in seconds.

Once again my plans get ruined, they are too busy to fill my prescription the way it was ordered, call the nurse from the other store, get a new form of the compund. (and noone wants to know what kind of medicine I had to take... YUCK

So I come home finally and sleep and sleep and sleep. My plans are ruined, I wanted so bad to see the kids enjoy their gifts, to play with the kids and their gifts. I wanted to actually get some family quality time with mom and dad and step mom and brothers and fiance and kids and sister... All I got was cuddle time and sleep time and a new best friend for the next couple days.

I was sick all day Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I managed to wake long enough to open presents Christmas day with fiance and then I slept off and on the rest of the day. I am not sure how many hours or days went by between the last thing I ate and the next thing I ate, but for once I was glad to be able to eat.

In the end I had a pretty good Christmas, it was my first Christmas to get presents from a guy I was with, my first Christmas to be engaged (first time ever being engaged). The kids were all happy with thier gifts, fiance was happy with his gifts. Brother managed to get a whole shopping trip out of me and walked away with 2 new outfits.

So there was my happy yet sad Christmas of 2008!!

I need more Jesus!!

Do you ever notice that when you don't go to church or read the bible you start to fall? It gets harder the longer you are away from him, like you need him to keep you in line.

Well I fall more often than not when I do not attend church, when I do not open my bible. I hated being in classes this semester because I put down my bible and picked up my textbooks. I love learning about the bible and GOD and Jesus and I love hearing the sermons of my preacher and Shawns. I just get lost when I do not learn or hear the word.

I should know that he is always there and always watching and hearing. I should know that he knows my thoughts and actions before I do them. Yet I mess up, I wonder, I do the wrong thing. Does HE want us to open the bible and study everyday, does HE want us to attend church on a regular basis, does HE want us to study HIM and everything he is about? Is the lost and lonely feeling HIS way of saying "hey come back home, visit way more than you do".

So like I tell myself all the time I am going to pick up the bible more and try to attend church more often than watching the online version of it. I am going to try harder to study HIS word more and learn from him. I am going to try to open up to HIM more and find more friends to talk with and really lay out my struggles.

Engagement!! :) Yay :(

I am at home with a hurt back, wearing old sweats and a hoodie. I only leave the house to go to the doctor. I can't walk or sit for long at all, and laying down starts to hurt after a while. The muscle relaxers barely take the edge off, and I do not have any more pain killers at all.

Dad calls me and says that he wants to take me for a ride, to throw on some clothes he will be here within minutes. I am confused but put some tennis shoes on and grab a coat. I walk out give dad a hug and he asks if I really love Shawn. I tell him yes and I am very confused. He then makes sure I have a picture phone. I am so confused. I get into the van, very uncomfortable due to my back, and we start heading down the road. Dad tells me that him and Shawn had lunch earlier and that I was going to get a proposal from him. I was shocked, I couldn't believe he was off work and wanted to ask me. TODAY of all days. I was a total mess my back hurt so bad and I still had to study for finals.

We get to the place and dad walks me to the gazebo as Shawn walks along with us. Shawn takes me by the hand and says a few words, then pulls out the ring and gets down on one knee. He asks I say yes and we get into the car, it was freezing.

I am happy we are engaged just a little upset at the way it was done. I wish dad would have asked me to get dressed a little nice, he could have said he was taking me to lunch. Maybe a day that my back didnt hurt would have been nice too. I literally looked like crap, I mean I don't even think I showered that day. I was walking crooked and in pain.

O well I can't have all my happy fairy tales can I ? Maybe I can make the wedding my special day, o wait everyone is sad and doesn't want me to do it my way. I always dreamed of a sunset wedding on the beach. Okay so I have not always wanted to marry someone, in fear of divorce. But a few years back I saw a few wedding pix of a girlfriends wedding and fell in love with the idea. But famliy all wants to be there and money is tight. I am pretty sure Shawn and I could save a ton of money if we both work tons of OT. Maybe my sissie could even get her hubby to save some money for her to go.

We will still have a reception here for everyone. WE can invite everyone we wanted to celebrate with us.

Christmas

Okay so I am finally finshed with Christmas and cannot wait to let everyone open their gifts. I managed to get the girls way too much stuff and I got Chazzer man some really cool stuff. I got Shawn almost everything off his list and Im not sure if that is all I want to get him.

I still have to take my sister out for some new outfits, and I think we might get mom and dad and the rest something small.

Lets see ...

Chaz got to pick out 4 science kits of sorts off a website and I told him I would wrap up 3 of them for him to open Christmas Eve. He does not know that I got him a guitat and learning book, a slinky, some marble tower thing, juggling balls and I think thats it. I cannot wait for him to see it all.

BriJet and Ainzley got tons of food and dishes to add to their play kitchen from Papa, which I have no idea when he will bring it over for them. I got them some baskets and bags to go with the food, some princess hair stuff, some dress up shoes (they are in love with pretty shoes), some books, and just pretty pink girly stuff.

Shawn got a ton of magic/clown stuff that he asked for, a fireman nutcracker, a hoodie, and an ornament with our picture in it. I think thats it.

I got a hoodie for my little bro Nick and an ornament for Nana (which Michelle gave to her already). I have no idea what else to get for mom and Nick or Dad and the gang. Or if we should even get them anything.

Ugh!! Presents. Money . Time.
But the joy on peoples faces :)

I suppose I should take my kid brother out for dinner for his bday too.

Matthew 7

Here lately I have been struggling with treating others how I should be treated, how GOD would treat them. I find myself judging so fast, not knowing who these people are, not knowing where these people have been or what they have gone through. It is very hard in this line of work to always think first and judge later, or not judge at all.

I have been praying about it for a while and Sunday in church I prayed about it again and guess what??? HE answered my prayer by giving me the scripture... Matthew 7

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

This is so true, how can I judge someone at all, let alone without even knowing everything about them. I need GOD to give me the strength, the tolerance, the knowledge, the love. I need to look at people through HIS eyes and see what HE sees. Because in the end we are all the same, we are all loved the same and treated the same by HIM, we are all created equal. HE loves us all the same. I should love everyone else the same, I should look at everyone the same.