I cry and I cry and I cry and I have no idea why. Alone in my truck all the way home or to familys house I cry. At home alone while cooking dinner I cry. I get teary eyed at work and have to stop myself from crying, I wanna cry almost all the time.
Is married life or life changing supposed to make me so sad. Am I really sad because I am married, or because I just moved out of my comfort zone, or because I am 26 and still working just to pay bills. Am I sad that I have no life except work, am I sad that I am not in school or working towards a goal. Am I sad that I sleep with a man instead of cuddling with my precious princesses everynight.
Maybe this huge life change is taking its toll on me.. maybe I am finally realizing just how much of a loser I am. Maybe I am missing my princesses too much. Maybe I am realizing that to my family (well some members) I am a nobody that deserves no love or attention.
I guess I just dont know why I cry all the time but it feels so good to cry. It feels good to let it all out and be alone. I wish I knew why though.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Marriage
WOW!!! In less than one month I will be Mrs. Shawn Bullock... I am nervous, excited, scared, happy, sad, emotional, and so many other feelings. I am nervous we wont get everything done and it wont turn out right. I am sad to leave my sissies house and lose the story bedtimes and whenever shopping trips. I am happy to be married and actually live with my husband and have a place of my own. Believe it or not I cannot wait to set up the bills and the checking and savings accounts... hopefully he will let me set it up and then give me his input (its something I like to do). I also cannot wait to clean up everything and organze everything... He can set up the kitchen, the spare bathroom, and the office... but maybe he will let me do everything else.
I know silly to think I am looking forward to the little things. I want to have little sleep overs with the girls and movie nights with the boy. Life will settle down and things will get a little easier... I have half my stuff at his house and half my stuff at my house and a ton of crap in my truck. Finally all my stuff will be in one place and I will be able to organize it all.
So less than one month for the wedding and we still have a few dollars to come up with and then the reception is just a few days past that and we still have some money to come up with for that. I hope we can make this all happen otherwise I will be sad.
I know silly to think I am looking forward to the little things. I want to have little sleep overs with the girls and movie nights with the boy. Life will settle down and things will get a little easier... I have half my stuff at his house and half my stuff at my house and a ton of crap in my truck. Finally all my stuff will be in one place and I will be able to organize it all.
So less than one month for the wedding and we still have a few dollars to come up with and then the reception is just a few days past that and we still have some money to come up with for that. I hope we can make this all happen otherwise I will be sad.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sad
I am so sick of hearing excuses and apologies on the side for people being mean and rude. It is unfair and disrespectful to yell at people and act a fool because you are sad or mad at another person. When do people grow up and realize that they need to act their age? I'd say over 40 means that you are not allowed to throw a fit anymore just because you didn't get your way. If you are upset at someone than guess what you should do.... go talk to them... don't throw a fit and throw things around your house and yell at other people and make life miserable for everyone else around you.
If you have a child please stick up for that child. It is your job as a parent to let no harm (physically, emotionally or mentally) come to that child. If someone is yelling at your kid make it stop... if someone treats your child wrong tell them to stop. Allow noone to treat your child wrong in no way. Stand up, be a man, take charge, and stick up for your child.
If someone is sad because of whatever resason... do not disreguard their feelings with nonsense. All people have a right to feel the way they do... just because you do not agree with how they feel about whatever situation does not mean you have the right to make them feel worse about it.
I am sick of people telling me to just get over it and live with it and grow up and forgive.... I am sick of not being important enough to anyone. I have feelings and I get sad and just because you don't agree with me on it does not mean I still don't feel that way. And stop telling me that they were just in a bad mood, or that's just how they are or their meds are messed up.
If you cannot be an adult and realize that everyone has feelings and everyone has a right to have feelings and that we are all adults and we talk about our feelings not throw fits than don't talk to me.
I am sad and upset and feel that there is just no outlet for me. Most people around me are telling me to just forgive and forget and let people treat me the way they do and just deal with the fact that that is how they are. Or they question why I am even upset and what ground do I have to stand on for being upset and maybe this person needs this or maybe this person needs that.
I am simply sad and feel that ... well that my world is falling apart and the people in my life seem to think I should not be sad.
If you have a child please stick up for that child. It is your job as a parent to let no harm (physically, emotionally or mentally) come to that child. If someone is yelling at your kid make it stop... if someone treats your child wrong tell them to stop. Allow noone to treat your child wrong in no way. Stand up, be a man, take charge, and stick up for your child.
If someone is sad because of whatever resason... do not disreguard their feelings with nonsense. All people have a right to feel the way they do... just because you do not agree with how they feel about whatever situation does not mean you have the right to make them feel worse about it.
I am sick of people telling me to just get over it and live with it and grow up and forgive.... I am sick of not being important enough to anyone. I have feelings and I get sad and just because you don't agree with me on it does not mean I still don't feel that way. And stop telling me that they were just in a bad mood, or that's just how they are or their meds are messed up.
If you cannot be an adult and realize that everyone has feelings and everyone has a right to have feelings and that we are all adults and we talk about our feelings not throw fits than don't talk to me.
I am sad and upset and feel that there is just no outlet for me. Most people around me are telling me to just forgive and forget and let people treat me the way they do and just deal with the fact that that is how they are. Or they question why I am even upset and what ground do I have to stand on for being upset and maybe this person needs this or maybe this person needs that.
I am simply sad and feel that ... well that my world is falling apart and the people in my life seem to think I should not be sad.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Marriage
Im getting married in less than 100 days and excited as much as I am scared. I cannot wait to wake up to Shawn every morning and go to bed with him every night. I am excited to do dinner and breakfast together and just plan our days together, sitting at home or running errands. I am totally scared of combining our lives though. I mean once we are married there will be a ton of compromise and do it our way not just my way. YIKES!!!
I keep looking at these couples that have been married for a substantial amount of time and I look for certain things that have kept them together. The number one thing I see in the type of marriage I want is communication and the willingness to work through anything. Growing up I was taught that if it doesn't work your way just leave. Or if you want something better just go for it. I think he was taught something different but just as bad.
I want a marriage that will last a lifetime. I want a husband that will stand by me no matter what and that is willing to work through anything. I want a husband that desires to be a full hands on father, husband and house cleaner (willing to help with all the house chores). I want a husband that wants to love me all the time, even in times of trial. A husband to show me how much he loves me on an everyday basis.
When I look at other couples I see the ones that have struggled the most have the most love. I get so sick of people telling me "o we NEVER EVER EVER EVER fight ... we have the most perfect marriage EVER"! What marriage is really like this? What marriage really works where there is never a fight or arguement? It doesn't . Someone is not happy in that situation because one person is always giving too much and not receiving enough.
I think about the couple that almost sold their house before realizing that they were truly in love and wanted to work hard at it. Another couple that went off and on for years before realizing it was true love and they were meant to be married once they were married it took work and communication and respect for each to make it work. Another that has decided that through any discussion or arguemant they will always work through it together and never go to bed mad. These couples that I see realize that marriage is hard work and that they both must have a dedication to each other. I admire this, I admire the truth and honesty that I get from these people.
I love Shawn whole heartedly and cannot wait to marry him. I will keep looking to these married couples that have been there and done that for support and knowledge.
I keep looking at these couples that have been married for a substantial amount of time and I look for certain things that have kept them together. The number one thing I see in the type of marriage I want is communication and the willingness to work through anything. Growing up I was taught that if it doesn't work your way just leave. Or if you want something better just go for it. I think he was taught something different but just as bad.
I want a marriage that will last a lifetime. I want a husband that will stand by me no matter what and that is willing to work through anything. I want a husband that desires to be a full hands on father, husband and house cleaner (willing to help with all the house chores). I want a husband that wants to love me all the time, even in times of trial. A husband to show me how much he loves me on an everyday basis.
When I look at other couples I see the ones that have struggled the most have the most love. I get so sick of people telling me "o we NEVER EVER EVER EVER fight ... we have the most perfect marriage EVER"! What marriage is really like this? What marriage really works where there is never a fight or arguement? It doesn't . Someone is not happy in that situation because one person is always giving too much and not receiving enough.
I think about the couple that almost sold their house before realizing that they were truly in love and wanted to work hard at it. Another couple that went off and on for years before realizing it was true love and they were meant to be married once they were married it took work and communication and respect for each to make it work. Another that has decided that through any discussion or arguemant they will always work through it together and never go to bed mad. These couples that I see realize that marriage is hard work and that they both must have a dedication to each other. I admire this, I admire the truth and honesty that I get from these people.
I love Shawn whole heartedly and cannot wait to marry him. I will keep looking to these married couples that have been there and done that for support and knowledge.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just need to scream and let out some frustration.
I need a girlfriend to talk to whenever I need an ear to listen to me. I need someone to talk about life with and help me when I am at my whits end.
Sometimes I feel like I cant go through this anymore.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I need a girlfriend to talk to whenever I need an ear to listen to me. I need someone to talk about life with and help me when I am at my whits end.
Sometimes I feel like I cant go through this anymore.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Just a Little CDO!
Because I titled this blog "Just a Little OCD" I thought I'd share a little bit of that side of me.
I must take a shower in the certain order every time I shower. It is a routine that must happen when I shower or my day is messed up. I have no idea why except maybe it is a control thing.
I must check to make sure I locked my truck at least twice before I go inside somewhere, I also must check to make sure my truck is still there (where I parked it) sometimes several times before bed and while I am visiting people. I have this fear someone is going to rob me of my things that I go overbaord. I check to make sure I have my phone and wallet and like every 5 minutes because someone could steal it from my pocket with out me knowing. I dont even carry a purse out side of the house in fear it will be stolen or taken from me. I have had my purse stolen from me once and my car has been broken into and all of my cds have been taken. I have been robbed once at work and had family had a burgler/rapist come into her house.
I guess most of my cdo (if it is true ocd you have to alphabatize it LOL) comes from past experience and television. Im not gonna lie, if I see it on tv I think what if that happens to me.
I check to make sure the girls are breathing often throughout the night, especially if I am the only one home with them. I worry so bad to the point of throwing up when I am home with the kids by myself... because I think someone is gonna break into the house and steal them from me. When we go out with the kids I watch them closely and have problems letting the 9 year old walk about by himself.
My brain plays out the scenerios I am so afraid of and my heart starts to beat out of my chest I tell myself what I would do if this or that happened. I hate it. I picture people I love all the time dying in front of me, me having to go to a car crash or drowning of a loved one, or me taking the 911 call of my familys emergency.
My brain just plays all the bad things out all the way, I start crying really believing it to be true. It is horrible, I have had these daymares be so bad as a man taking Jet or Zbear out of my hands and not being able to stop him. I hate having these and want them to stop so bad. I tell myself to stop thinking, I pray in the middle of them, I tell myself it is not real... I think this is the worst thing that I have to deal with. This and I want to stay home alone with the kids and not get so sick with worry.
Anyway just a few things I struggle with.
I must take a shower in the certain order every time I shower. It is a routine that must happen when I shower or my day is messed up. I have no idea why except maybe it is a control thing.
I must check to make sure I locked my truck at least twice before I go inside somewhere, I also must check to make sure my truck is still there (where I parked it) sometimes several times before bed and while I am visiting people. I have this fear someone is going to rob me of my things that I go overbaord. I check to make sure I have my phone and wallet and like every 5 minutes because someone could steal it from my pocket with out me knowing. I dont even carry a purse out side of the house in fear it will be stolen or taken from me. I have had my purse stolen from me once and my car has been broken into and all of my cds have been taken. I have been robbed once at work and had family had a burgler/rapist come into her house.
I guess most of my cdo (if it is true ocd you have to alphabatize it LOL) comes from past experience and television. Im not gonna lie, if I see it on tv I think what if that happens to me.
I check to make sure the girls are breathing often throughout the night, especially if I am the only one home with them. I worry so bad to the point of throwing up when I am home with the kids by myself... because I think someone is gonna break into the house and steal them from me. When we go out with the kids I watch them closely and have problems letting the 9 year old walk about by himself.
My brain plays out the scenerios I am so afraid of and my heart starts to beat out of my chest I tell myself what I would do if this or that happened. I hate it. I picture people I love all the time dying in front of me, me having to go to a car crash or drowning of a loved one, or me taking the 911 call of my familys emergency.
My brain just plays all the bad things out all the way, I start crying really believing it to be true. It is horrible, I have had these daymares be so bad as a man taking Jet or Zbear out of my hands and not being able to stop him. I hate having these and want them to stop so bad. I tell myself to stop thinking, I pray in the middle of them, I tell myself it is not real... I think this is the worst thing that I have to deal with. This and I want to stay home alone with the kids and not get so sick with worry.
Anyway just a few things I struggle with.
Monday, July 27, 2009
THE NEED TO BE SPECIAL
I grew up with a twin sister, 3 little brothers and a family with 5 kids that always hung out with us. I never felt that I got my special time with mom or dad or that I was ever given any individual attention. I always wanted to have more special me time with my parents but that never happened. I was grouped with my twin sister and my moms friends' 5 kids. I was always told to go play with the other kids, go clean with the other kids, go eat with the other kids. In school I was always compared to my twin and grouped with other kids.
I think I now have issues. Still when I chat with my parents I get interrupted by cell phones, grandkids, other kids, tv, computer. I still cannot get that special attention I want. I think I need counseling. LOL
If I want to talk with my mom alone and tell her about my life and wedding I have to take her out to dinner without anyone else and I still have to compete with the cell phone.
If I want to chat with my daddy on my own I have to take him and his family out to dinner and compete with all of them. Then it is all about him forever. UGH!!!
Am I a baby or crazy or something. I just wanna be special. I want you to pay attention to me when I talk and make me feel important (Act like you care about me and my life and focus on me for a minute without interruptions)
I am going to try my hardest to always make my kids feel individually special. I want them to grow up knowing that they are unique and special in their own way. I want to have mother/daughter and mother/son dates and have father/daughter and father/son dates also.
I love my alone time with my neices and nephew. I love being able to snuggle with just one and let them know they are my special little one.
I think I now have issues. Still when I chat with my parents I get interrupted by cell phones, grandkids, other kids, tv, computer. I still cannot get that special attention I want. I think I need counseling. LOL
If I want to talk with my mom alone and tell her about my life and wedding I have to take her out to dinner without anyone else and I still have to compete with the cell phone.
If I want to chat with my daddy on my own I have to take him and his family out to dinner and compete with all of them. Then it is all about him forever. UGH!!!
Am I a baby or crazy or something. I just wanna be special. I want you to pay attention to me when I talk and make me feel important (Act like you care about me and my life and focus on me for a minute without interruptions)
I am going to try my hardest to always make my kids feel individually special. I want them to grow up knowing that they are unique and special in their own way. I want to have mother/daughter and mother/son dates and have father/daughter and father/son dates also.
I love my alone time with my neices and nephew. I love being able to snuggle with just one and let them know they are my special little one.
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