Snapshot Sunday ~ Spinning Ainzley

I found Snapshot Sunday through my sister, Tina Michelle, over at My Life As It Is.

This is my beautiful niece, Ainzley.
Ainzley LOVES to spin.

Her criteria for picking out clothing is always, "Something that spins!"

She also has to fix her hair!

Oh how blessed I am to have my sweet little Ainzley!

Life Changing...

I am ...

LOST

CONFUSED

SAD

LONELY

UNLOVED

UNWANTED

UNHAPPY

WONDERING WHERE MY LIFE IS REALLY GOING....

HURT

ANGRY

MISSING MY BABIES

JUST PLAIN UNHAPPY AND LONELY

I have it wrong

I am supposed to be the Christian here.... my sister is the lost and confused one and yet she has it so on the dot and correct and I, well, Im not really sure what is wrong with me.

She is grateful for all that she has even though so many things go wrong for her... I complain when the smallest things are wrong and most things go right for me. She appreciates and loves her husband unconditionally... and I seeth with anger towards him when he does one small thing. She can see that Christmas needs to be about something other than presents, she doesn't believe in GOD but still sees the need to make Christmas about family and love... I believe Christmas is about celebrating Jesus and love and family but I also think presents are a huge part of it.

I have so much to learn from her... not only what NOT to o with my kids but also how to love unconditionally... it is amazing that she does not know Jesus yet knows how to love like him (if only she could have that for her father and step mother).

I am sad that I have this nice place to live in (big enough for both of us and our carp plus extra space for guests) and yet I complain that I live too far away. I am sad that we dont have everything we want, yet both of us work full time making more money than anyone Iknow. Both of us are willing to work all the overtime we can (which is very easy to get where we work). We are able to pay all our bills, get the things we need, and even get some things we dont need. My husband loves me very much and tries his hardest to show me, he has his own way of showing me that doesnt always go with how I think he should.

So im gonna try harder this year. Im gonna try to see the good in everything... I wanna enjoy my husband instead of get angry with him when he does something different. I want to enjoy my life and my husband and my family.

Cry

I cry and I cry and I cry and I have no idea why. Alone in my truck all the way home or to familys house I cry. At home alone while cooking dinner I cry. I get teary eyed at work and have to stop myself from crying, I wanna cry almost all the time.

Is married life or life changing supposed to make me so sad. Am I really sad because I am married, or because I just moved out of my comfort zone, or because I am 26 and still working just to pay bills. Am I sad that I have no life except work, am I sad that I am not in school or working towards a goal. Am I sad that I sleep with a man instead of cuddling with my precious princesses everynight.

Maybe this huge life change is taking its toll on me.. maybe I am finally realizing just how much of a loser I am. Maybe I am missing my princesses too much. Maybe I am realizing that to my family (well some members) I am a nobody that deserves no love or attention.

I guess I just dont know why I cry all the time but it feels so good to cry. It feels good to let it all out and be alone. I wish I knew why though.

Marriage

WOW!!! In less than one month I will be Mrs. Shawn Bullock... I am nervous, excited, scared, happy, sad, emotional, and so many other feelings. I am nervous we wont get everything done and it wont turn out right. I am sad to leave my sissies house and lose the story bedtimes and whenever shopping trips. I am happy to be married and actually live with my husband and have a place of my own. Believe it or not I cannot wait to set up the bills and the checking and savings accounts... hopefully he will let me set it up and then give me his input (its something I like to do). I also cannot wait to clean up everything and organze everything... He can set up the kitchen, the spare bathroom, and the office... but maybe he will let me do everything else.



I know silly to think I am looking forward to the little things. I want to have little sleep overs with the girls and movie nights with the boy. Life will settle down and things will get a little easier... I have half my stuff at his house and half my stuff at my house and a ton of crap in my truck. Finally all my stuff will be in one place and I will be able to organize it all.

So less than one month for the wedding and we still have a few dollars to come up with and then the reception is just a few days past that and we still have some money to come up with for that. I hope we can make this all happen otherwise I will be sad.

Sad

I am so sick of hearing excuses and apologies on the side for people being mean and rude. It is unfair and disrespectful to yell at people and act a fool because you are sad or mad at another person. When do people grow up and realize that they need to act their age? I'd say over 40 means that you are not allowed to throw a fit anymore just because you didn't get your way. If you are upset at someone than guess what you should do.... go talk to them... don't throw a fit and throw things around your house and yell at other people and make life miserable for everyone else around you.

If you have a child please stick up for that child. It is your job as a parent to let no harm (physically, emotionally or mentally) come to that child. If someone is yelling at your kid make it stop... if someone treats your child wrong tell them to stop. Allow noone to treat your child wrong in no way. Stand up, be a man, take charge, and stick up for your child.

If someone is sad because of whatever resason... do not disreguard their feelings with nonsense. All people have a right to feel the way they do... just because you do not agree with how they feel about whatever situation does not mean you have the right to make them feel worse about it.

I am sick of people telling me to just get over it and live with it and grow up and forgive.... I am sick of not being important enough to anyone. I have feelings and I get sad and just because you don't agree with me on it does not mean I still don't feel that way. And stop telling me that they were just in a bad mood, or that's just how they are or their meds are messed up.

If you cannot be an adult and realize that everyone has feelings and everyone has a right to have feelings and that we are all adults and we talk about our feelings not throw fits than don't talk to me.

I am sad and upset and feel that there is just no outlet for me. Most people around me are telling me to just forgive and forget and let people treat me the way they do and just deal with the fact that that is how they are. Or they question why I am even upset and what ground do I have to stand on for being upset and maybe this person needs this or maybe this person needs that.

I am simply sad and feel that ... well that my world is falling apart and the people in my life seem to think I should not be sad.

Marriage

Im getting married in less than 100 days and excited as much as I am scared. I cannot wait to wake up to Shawn every morning and go to bed with him every night. I am excited to do dinner and breakfast together and just plan our days together, sitting at home or running errands. I am totally scared of combining our lives though. I mean once we are married there will be a ton of compromise and do it our way not just my way. YIKES!!!

I keep looking at these couples that have been married for a substantial amount of time and I look for certain things that have kept them together. The number one thing I see in the type of marriage I want is communication and the willingness to work through anything. Growing up I was taught that if it doesn't work your way just leave. Or if you want something better just go for it. I think he was taught something different but just as bad.

I want a marriage that will last a lifetime. I want a husband that will stand by me no matter what and that is willing to work through anything. I want a husband that desires to be a full hands on father, husband and house cleaner (willing to help with all the house chores). I want a husband that wants to love me all the time, even in times of trial. A husband to show me how much he loves me on an everyday basis.

When I look at other couples I see the ones that have struggled the most have the most love. I get so sick of people telling me "o we NEVER EVER EVER EVER fight ... we have the most perfect marriage EVER"! What marriage is really like this? What marriage really works where there is never a fight or arguement? It doesn't . Someone is not happy in that situation because one person is always giving too much and not receiving enough.

I think about the couple that almost sold their house before realizing that they were truly in love and wanted to work hard at it. Another couple that went off and on for years before realizing it was true love and they were meant to be married once they were married it took work and communication and respect for each to make it work. Another that has decided that through any discussion or arguemant they will always work through it together and never go to bed mad. These couples that I see realize that marriage is hard work and that they both must have a dedication to each other. I admire this, I admire the truth and honesty that I get from these people.

I love Shawn whole heartedly and cannot wait to marry him. I will keep looking to these married couples that have been there and done that for support and knowledge.