I hold him tighter

I have been reading these blogs about mammas that lost their little ones to SIDS and cancer and other uncontrollable things. I cry and cry for these poor mammas. I want so bad to go and give them hugs and hold them tight or bring their babies back. Its not fair or right to bury your child ever.

Usually Micah wants me to snuggle him all day and when I put him down he cries for me to pick him up again. Sometimes I think I just want to get up and clean or cook or organize and then I remember how some moms have lost their little ones and they wish and pray they could just go back to snugglin their littls ones again. SO I sit on the couch and find something interesting on tv and I snuggle Micah. I snuggle him for hours sometimes. One day he might not be here for me to snuggle and what will I have? No memories and a clean organized house.

So for those of you that have a little one, snuggle them. Snuggle them and let the dishes sit there. Snuggle them and let the laundry pile up. Snuggle them and munch on something small instead of trying to cook a big meal. I always manage to get everything done in time, the dishes and laundry might sit for a few days and the carpets might really need a vacuum but my baby is snuggled to his hearts content and mamma get those precious memories and feelings.

I wish I could help those moms that have lost a child. I wish I could bring back their babies. I wish I could explain why babies go to Heaven so early. I wish I could explain how GOD plays a role in all of this, but I can't . All I can do is read their heartfelt blogs and try to figure out how much pain they really are in. I can learn to snuggle Micah and let my OCD go.

I have realized, just in the last few months, that sometimes good things come out of bad things. Those moms have experienced the worst possible thing in the world and yet they continue to go on and let the world know about their babies. I pray for those moms and I learn from them.

Micah is growing

Micah is a little over a month now and Im enjoying watching him grow. I can feel him getting bigger and you can see his face getting fuller. We spend most days inside snuggling and hanging out but today daddy went for a walk with us and we had fun. He laid there and just enjoyed riding in his stroller.

I enjoy watching my little man snuggle with his daddy and I enjoy his daddy wanting to snuggle. I think it is great that Shawn will come home from work and take him to hang out with him so I can sleep.

Micah is starting to hold his head up and look at me. I love watching him grow and do more things but it is a reminder that he will grow fast and be going off to college.

Pictures are coming up and Im excited to see what we can do. I do not have many pictures printed since we live in the digital age now. I hope to print some of these from our photo shoot Tuesday .

Its about bedtime and mama is hoping to get more than an hour of sleep tonight.

Micah Cree Bullock is here

Micah was born via c section on 05.12.11. I was in labor about 8.5 hours when his heartrate got up between 180 and 200 so the doctor decided to do a csection because he would not have made it otherwise. I was a little sad my birth story did not go as planned but happy my little guy is healthy.

We have been home less than a week and we are really starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. It is a little frustrating at times especially with breastfeeding but we are learning. Daddy does great diaper changes and is really good at burping and mommy is great at snuggling and feeding.

I am really ready for visitors to come visit just so I can show him off but it really wears me out to have other people hold him. I feel comfortable with my mom and sister holding him but the thought of others touching him and holding him make me wanna throw up. I get real anxious.

Today shawns mom, Sandy, came over with her husband and they each held Micah. I was nervous and anxious the whole time they had him. I dont know why I am so anxious , I guess I just want my baby to be my baby and stay in my arms.

Life will get better and we will get into a routine as time goes by. For right now we are snuggling Micah all the time and getting used to him being here.

Overly pregnant and sad

I was due Friday and yet here i sit so pregnant i cant roll over in bed without using something or someone to get me started. I am ready to have this baby and get my body back.

My Papa passed away yesterday and I guess I'm still processing the whole thing. He was found in his apartment unresponsive and they rushed him to the hospital where he was found to have pneumonia. They started treatment and he began to show signs of improving, then he just died. I contemplated going to the hospital to visit him but as many times as I have been to KU I only knew where the ER entrance was for ambulances and wasn't sure I would be able to find my way around to park and go inside. I was afraid I would get all the way up there get lost and go into labor.

I knew I should have went to see him. The same thing happened to gma Lillian, Papa's wife, she spent about a week in the hospital. I told myself I would go see her tomorrow or the next day and then she died so suddenly. You would think I would get the hint and visit these people when they go to the hospital but I always have reasons not to go. When I don't go I get to regret it for the rest of my life.

I had a bad feeling Friday night. I couldn't sleep because I kept having a feeling that someone was going to die. I don't know why, maybe I it's just my OCD kicking in really bad again. I stayed up most of the night praying for my mom, neice, husband and our unborn baby. It never crossed my mind to pray for papa, he was doing much better and he was safe in the hospital. I wonder if I would have prayed for him would he still be alive? Would he have lived another day?

I am so glad we made a special trip to see grandma Schnepf, Shawn's grandma. She was the sweetest old lady ever and I loved going to visit her. We made it just in time as she passed away the day after we got home. I am sad to see that we have lost two great people in our lives and Micah will never know them. I wanted Micah to be able to meet his great grandparents and love on them and let him love on them.

The visitation is Tuesday for my Papa and here I sit 40 weeks and some days pregnant and have no idea when Micah will decide to come out. I want him out so I can hold him and love on him but if he stays in there a few more days I can go to my papa's visitation and funeral.

God is in charge of all and HE will decide how everything will work out in the end. I just need to relax and get some much needed rest while HE puts plans into action.

40 weeks

I made it to 40 weeks and now Im really done being pregnant. I want to hold my baby boy and get my body back. This waiting game is too much for someone that is so in control all the time.

We have everything ready. The crib, the bassinet, the carseat, the hospital bag, the diapers, the wipes, the clothes. We are sooo ready to meet our little man.

He is doing so good. His heartbeat is right where they want it. His movement is great and he responds to us when we mess with the belly. I know he is healthy and safe inside but I just wanna hold him already .

I am a little nervous being a first time mommy though. I keep thinking what if I don't do it right or what if I forget him or what if..... I hate thinking this but I guess once he is here all my fears will be relieved and I will just know what to do.

So cmon Micah we are so ready to meet you !!!

KCFD

I work for the Kansas City Missouri Fire Department and I just want people to know how much that company sucks. I have been harrassed by many people there and I have went to HR and supervisors and nothing is done about it. I have been harrassed in front of a supervisor and nothing was done.

Now that I have filed with HR they are saying I sexually harrassed them to explain the harrassment. This is crap. I hate this company.

I was MAST, the ambulance service and fire took us over. Since they have taken us over we have been short handed and treated like red headed step children. The ambulance crews are supposed to have total access to fire stations, this was the reason fire wanted to take over to put us in fire stations instead on the corners. WEll certain fire stations have signs up that say ambulance crews are not welcome. Certain firemen treat the ambulance workers like they are trash.

I cannot stand working for a company that could care less about their new employees. And the promised pension we were supposed to get, ya we arent getting it. They are taking our money and adding it to their pension and we cant touch it. And what company do you know that gives a pregnant woman a hard time for using the restroom a lot or walking around alot.

The firemen get to have their training classes while on duty so they are getting paid for it. The ambulance crews have to come in on their days off and do the training without pay. How are we ONE?

I hate this place.

Less than 4 weeks and counting...

Wow I am coming to the end of my pregnancy and I am getting really excited. I have had my baby showers and ordered the carseat and set up the crib and pack and play, there is still a lot to do but most of the things are ready for him to finally get here. I have really enjoyed this experience even though I have been really sick through most of it.

I still need to organize his room and hang up all his clothes and wash the remaining clothes that I just got recently. But his diapers are clean and he has clothes to get started with. I am so excited.

Last week at the doctor I was dialated to a one and my next appointment is Wed. I cant wait for them to check me again and see if he is coming early. I jsut want to hold him tight and never let him go. I cannot wait.