Dispatch

Wow!!! This dispatch thing is crazy. My mind is completely fried and I am only on the third week. The people we have to talk to are not the easiest to talk to. Then you add the fact that you have to explain to someone how to do cpr or breath for someone they love.

Next we have to deal with our own crews... not the easiest task in the world. They are mean and hateful, yet sometimes very sweet. I guess I never knew how hard this was gonna be.

I am told I am doing amazingly well. My CTO thinks I have actually been a dispatcher before. I can handle primary very well even during the busy hours, I feel awful when I have to give someone a late call or take them off lunch. My call taking skills are improving more everyday. I am getting better at figuring out what to do on calls and how to talk to people and how to understand the slang people use.

WEll I have at least one more week maybe more then I will find out what shift I will be put on. This sucks that I had my schedule all figured out and now it is so up in the air. I feel like my life is all mixed up and turned upside down and there is no way to fix it right now...

Where do I belong

Sometimes, well most of the time, I feel so out of place. No matter where I am or who I am with I still feel that I just do not belong. I feel as though people are nice to me just because they feel sorry for me or wanna try to make me more like them. I feel that I am literally invisable pretty much every where I go. I wanna fit in. I wanna feel wanted and needed but in the end I feel in the way and out of place.

I wish I had the confidence I see in many people. I want to be wanted and invited. I wish my hunny and I had a handful of close friends that we could hang out with. Instead we do things just the two of us.

Do not get me wrong, I hate going to bars and places like that. Simply because I hate drinking and although it is hilarious to watch drunk people fall all over themselves, I feel uncomfortable around those people. I hate when drunk people hang on me and well I had the worst experience with a drunk guy once before so my guard is up. Anyway way off track... I don't like bars because they are icky and sticky and loud full of drunk people and worst of all they smell like smoke, almost to the point of suffocation.

I hate being in a huge crowded place, it feels as though I could be lost or assaulted at any given moment. I get so nervous in crowds that I start to hyperventilate. I know sounds crazy.

I love doing quiet dinners with freinds, but sometimes it seems hard to focus on the discussion at hand, especially when more than one conversation is going on. I love going to church but once again you have the .. are they being nice because they really like you as a person or do they feel the need to be nice because they are in GOD's house???

The friends I thought or think are my friends have such a hard time calling me back or messaging me back that I often wonder why??? DO they really wanna hear from me and chat and just get busy with life or do they intentionally ignore me until I just stop calling??

Is it me?? DO I put off this personality that noone likes? Do I tell bad jokes or make people feel unwanted? Do I pick and chose the ones that I will talk back with?? Am I too judgemental? Do I take things too personally?

Where do I belong? WHat am I meant to do? WHo are my friends supposed to be?

Love Hurts Sometimes

When you think you're in love
Look at GOD up above
And ask if it's true
Does he really love you

When he walked out
You tried not to pout
When you thought of
his love for you
Was it ever really true

Now that he's gone
You try to move on
He has a new life
While you're just his old wife

You try to be friends
But then it all ends
Cause he has to be a dick
When your kids are all sick

Now that your through
With the picture you both drew
Because the picture is torn
And the baby's not even born

So say good bye
To the long tie
That you both had
Because it was really bad

Now you have a new man
But he can't understand
That you have another love
And he's not your only dove

My sister and I wrote this in sixth grade sitting in our room bored one night...
I think we should have been thinking of other things than seperation and divorce at that young of age

Ummm stuff

I have so many thoughts running through my head but it seems hard to put it to paper. I want to let it all out but how do I say things without upsetting someone or making people think weird of me. It is funny how I can be so close to some people yet so far away and feel so alone.

I feel like I am in a room full of people and they no not who I am nor can they see me. I have so many thoughts and feelings about things and people and myself and still I cannot tell anyone. When you say something to someone it gets twisted and turned until it reaches someone else and then the fight is on between all kinds of people.

I want to be able to chat with a girlfriend about whatever and know that what we talk about stays with us. I want to have a best friend that will tell me when I screw up and remind me to talk about the good things as well as the bad. I want a friend that is never afraid to talk with me, someone that understands me and the world I live in. I want to listen to her life and how she deals with different stress levels and how wonderful her life is.

I feel like my life is so short lived, I simply work and spend time my hunny and the babies. Where is the coffee stops with a best friend? Where is my dinner dates with a girlfriend, where we both look forward to it all week long? Where is my girlfriend to help pick out a wedding dress with me? And tell me the ones that are gorgeous for the wedding I desire not the one she desires? Where is the girlfriend that will gladly help me plan my dream wedding no matter how simple I want it?

AHH!!! I just want a best friend of my own. I know I sound crazy, but I want it I want it I want it...

Randomness

Today was a great day, besides the headache all day. I managed to get up in time to attend church and I rather enjoyed the speaker for the day. He was very funny and had some wisdom to share. I cannot wait until Shawn and I have every Sunday off so we can attend church as a couple. I got to see my daddy and help the girls adjust to him once again, he is not very involved in their lives so they forget who he is. Then I got some Jet and Jen alone time, much needed, much enjoyed.

I took Jet out, just the two of us, to get a new pair of tennis shoes. We went to IHOP for some french fries and sodas and then off to Target fot shoes. She insisted on bringing her own shopping cart and pushed it around the store, she even put her shoes in the little basket and pushed them up to the front. She had a clean pullup all day and managed to tell me everytime she had to go use her potty. My baby girl is growing up so fast :(

Dad was the same old dad. He just kinda survives in life and thats it really. I want more for him and I wish I could help him or make him happier, but I don't know what to do.

Shawn had to work today and it seems everytime I got to chat with him he would get a call and have to hang up. I feel a little sad and disconnected from him at the moment and cannot wait for him to get off of work so I can have a full conversation with him and tell him all about church.

Well my hunny is calling so I will write more later.