I am so thankful for so many things in my life, at times I forget just how wonderfully blessed I am. I pray that I always appreciate everything I have and never take it for granted because I am undeserving of all that I have yet I have it.
I have a wonderful nephew, Chaz, that loves me with his whole heart. Chaz is smart and handsome and a really great back rubber. I love learning about his day and all the knowledge he has absorbed. I don't always show him and I don't always appreciate him, but I love him dearly and I am truly blessed to have him as a nephew.
I am so amazed at BriJet, my first neice. She is so smart and gorgeous, she loves to sing and dance and dress as a princess. BriJet thinks she is a princess and should be treated as such, I love this about her. I love her little girly personality and the way she loves on me when she has not seen me in just a few hours. I am so blessed to have her in my life and I am excited to watch her grow and turn into a beautiful young china princess.
I have a beautiful baby girl, Ainzley, the youngest neice. I love the little words that come out of her mouth and the excitement she shows when she sees me. I love that she hugs me so tight and gives me the biggest kisses ever. She is such a copy cat and wants to do whatever sissie and Chaz get to do. I am so blessed to be able to watch her grow and learn and turn into a gorgeous china princess.
I am very blessed to have a twin sister that takes such good care of me. I love Michelle to pieces, she does so much for me on a daily basis, I love that I can be such a huge part of her life. I love to watch her grow as a mommy and a wife and I learn so much from her. I am truly blessed to have someone so close to chat anytime I need (well with little voices thrown in there also).
I am blessed to have a BIL, Wen, that loves having me live in his house and never complains one bit that I am here. He is a wonderful man and a good daddy. Ainzley loves her daddy and cannot wait to him most days, which I love. I love living here with the whole SUN clan and wouldn't change one part of my life.
I am truly blessed where I am and with the little family I have here in this house. I pray I can always appreciate the little miracles I see in these kids on a daily basis.
Then I meet Shawn and everything just keeps getting better. I love Shawn a ton and although we have our times of trial I pray I always remember the things I love most about him. Shawn is an amazing man that has a wonderful heart. He loves kids and cannot wait to be the most hands on daddy ever. He loves the LORD with all his heart and he loves me that much too!
I love him because he does so much for me. He will give me a full body massage, even if I only ask for a back rub. He will cook dinner for me or go get it if I am hungry. He will get up extra early just to wake me for work and make a lunch to go for me. He will go out and start my truck to let it warm up before I have to leave. He says I can come to his house anytime I want just to watch tv or catch up on sleep (because at my house it is hard to sleep with 3 kids running around). He will get me flowers, cards , chocolate... just because. He does so much for Chaz, BriJet, and Ainzley because he loves me and he loves them. I am truly blessed to have a man like Shawn and I pray I can continue to acknowledge all the good inside him and not focus on the bad.
I am truly blessed.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Slowly Suffocating to Death
There is no air left to breath. My lungs are empty and nothing left to fill them up. I can't breath, I can't feel, I can't see, I can't hear. There is nowhere for me to go. I try hard to gasp at anything I can to feel that nice air in through my nose and ... Nothing. There is nothing. I am soffocating and the one responsible has not a clue. How do I tell him, I can't feel my fingers to grasp at him, I can't yell or scream at him to stop. I'm slowly fading and he doesn't see me. I long for him to realize and give me that one breath I need to slowly start the process of renewing my lungs...
I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".
I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?
If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?
I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.
I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.
I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own
I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".
I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?
If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?
I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.
I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.
I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The New Year!! and more :(
Well the new year is here and gone and it just does not seem that we switched years yet again. I had an okay new years eve, my fiance and I were supposed to attend a party and ended up just staying at his house because he didn't want to be around people. It didn't help that we had just had a fight an hour before the party was to begin.
Man this being engaged is hard stuff. Since that darn ring was put on my finger we have done nothing but argue and fight. He tells me all the time "well do you want this to be over, wanna break up"??? No you idiot I just want to be and let be. Que sera sera. I think is how it goes. I want to be in a relationship without jealousy, without vengence, without arguing, without fighting, without almost breakup talks, without stress.... But no there has to be jealous because he is jealous, there has to be vengence because he has to make everything fair, there has to be long talks and fights and arguments because he has to discuss how he is right and I believe wrong.
UGH!!!! So frustrating!! I am really starting to rethink this marriage thing. I asked him if we could just push the wedding date back to December so I had more time to pay off stuff and save up for the wedding, he wants to get married quick so we can have the honeymoon night... Who cares if we can do that or not, I want to have a memorable wedding and I want to be out of debt before that.
Well my new years blog went totally off track here. Yikes sorry!! All this frustration and nowhere to go with it.
I hope 2009 turns out to be way better than 2008 and even better than 2007. I guess I can only pray and see where this new turn takes me. Hopefully it will head me in the direction of school, maybe to be a preacher or a nurse or an electrician... You never know.
Man this being engaged is hard stuff. Since that darn ring was put on my finger we have done nothing but argue and fight. He tells me all the time "well do you want this to be over, wanna break up"??? No you idiot I just want to be and let be. Que sera sera. I think is how it goes. I want to be in a relationship without jealousy, without vengence, without arguing, without fighting, without almost breakup talks, without stress.... But no there has to be jealous because he is jealous, there has to be vengence because he has to make everything fair, there has to be long talks and fights and arguments because he has to discuss how he is right and I believe wrong.
UGH!!!! So frustrating!! I am really starting to rethink this marriage thing. I asked him if we could just push the wedding date back to December so I had more time to pay off stuff and save up for the wedding, he wants to get married quick so we can have the honeymoon night... Who cares if we can do that or not, I want to have a memorable wedding and I want to be out of debt before that.
Well my new years blog went totally off track here. Yikes sorry!! All this frustration and nowhere to go with it.
I hope 2009 turns out to be way better than 2008 and even better than 2007. I guess I can only pray and see where this new turn takes me. Hopefully it will head me in the direction of school, maybe to be a preacher or a nurse or an electrician... You never know.
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