One of those days

Well it has been one of those pregnancy days. Where I cried most of the day and cant seem to get happy. We had to pay 100.00 to get our door fixed and he fixed it half way kinda. It feels like everytime we seem to get ahead, by paying off some debt, we just accure more debt.

My mom says she is not spending the new years with me anymore but she will gladly give me her son, I assume if I drive all the way up there and get him and then bring him back home. I think I'll just work.

Most of my clothes and shoes do not fit me . I mean I have maternity clothes , but sometimes I just wanna wear a hoodie and a tshirt. Most of my tshirts are really tight. Thanks to my wonderful husband I have 3 pairs of really comfy big soft pajama pants to wear around the house, why cant I just where these to work and out ?

I have to wear my white shoes to work bcuz they are the only ones that semi fit my feet and today one of my bosses got mad about them. I am supposed to wear black. Well I would go out and buy some shoes but it seems everytime I turn around we have to spend money on something else. (My truck needs new tires bad, they are bald... guess how much new tires for a dodge ram 1500 cost???). So I guess I am going to have to buy a cheap pair of shoes that are black just to wear to work. And I will have to buy the wide size and a bigger pair just to fit comfortably.

Anyway I love being pregnant just not liking all the side affects. I feel so fat and ugly and I cant do anything to change it becauze I have to eat to keep baby alive. I can barely walk around a mall let alone workout since I am always short of breath. And I dont get much sleep due to indigestion. I have indigestion and heartburn everyday all day and it stinks.

On top of all of this I am still freaking out about what we will need for baby and all the desicions to make. I think I have decided to just get a newborn carseat and figure out the brand later. I am going to check out a store to talk about cloth diapers but may end up just doing reg diapers. We have deccided to just get a new crib, since the one for free is a drop down one. I just dont want to take the chance. I still have to research vaccines and such and decide if we are going to do those and that darn epidural - do I or dont I?

I am still deciding if I will get stuff gender neutral, not so sure we will be ready for baby number 2 right away so carseat may not be reusable. But maybe we should get stroller and other things neutral because we could always reuse those.

Oh the joys of pregnancy.

Gender Party

We have decided to throw a gender party to let people know the sex of the baby. I won't even find out until the party. My husband already knows what we are having and he keeping his mouth zipped until the day. I a, so excited to have the party and find out in a fun interesting way.

My hubby is a professional clown and he puts on amazing shows. He can also make just about anything out of balloons. I hope he puts all the thought and effort he would into a show on our party. I want to remember the day forever and have a fun story to tell our baby.

We already have the names picked out and the nicknames, so we are all set. I cant wait to start calling my baby by its name. Right now we call it Minnow. My hubby likes to fish and I guess that is a type of baby fish?? Not really sure but the nickname works for now while we (I mean me)are waiting to find out.

I just wanna go out and start buying stuff, but if its a girl I want all pink stuff. I want the pink carseat and pink stroller and pink everything. If its a boy the colors can vary or we can do a noahs ark theme or something.

I will post as soon as I find out what we are having. Jenn

20 Weeks

Well I am in my 20th week and Im pretty sure Im starting to feel little kicks and movements. I cant wait to have the baby kick my belly so my hubby can feel it.

I have had the hardest time being pregnant but I am enjoying watching my belly grow and knowing that there is a little one in there. We got our sonogram pictures done the other day and it made my heart sing to hear the heartbeat and see the heart pumping along. The baby was just moving away.

So far I have had the morning sickness, the night sickness, the afternoon sickness. Pretty much at any time I could get sick or just be completely fine. I have had nose bleeds and sinus infections , swollen sinuses, dry-itchy skin. My eyesight is coming and going (things just get fuzzy or out of focus). The heartburn is the worst, I have heartburn all the time. I eat tums like candy. I crave dark sodas, so I have to look for caffiene free pop everywhere I go. I notice it is getting harder to bend over to put on my shoes or socks or just fix my pant legs. Most clothes are very uncomfortable and pretty much no matter what I am doing I am uncomfortable.

I just keep thining that in a few short months I will have this precious baby in my arms and life will be totally perfect.

4 months and counting

I am officially 18 weeks pregnant and very excited. Only a few more months and I will have a baby to hold in my arms. I cannot wait.

This is probable one of the most stressful and hardest things I have ever been through. I mean knowing I am the only human that can take care of and keep this baby safe. Watch what I eat, how much I exercise, what I drink, what meds i can take, watch everything and then even if I do everything right something could still go wrong.

I have had two scares so far. It makes me so scared and nervous. I just wanna be bed confined and not do a thing in fear of losing this baby.

Havin a Baby

So we are having a baby in May and both of us are a little worried and scared. We both want me to stay home with baby until 9 months or so then maybe try to work part time. Neither of us want daycare for our children.

He is very worried about money. I know there are people out there that have lots of kids and make less than us. I know there is a way, if we both just work at it. He is still worried.

How do we do this happily? How do I convince him we can and will be able to survive?
I dont want to stay home if he is just going to be worried and upset the whole time. I want us to both be happy I am home with the baby and I want us both to give up the better life to make a better life for our baby. Make sense?

PREGGO

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

The Princess is THREE!!!

WOW!!! She is three! A whole day of partying with her friends and family and then Uncle Shawn surprises her with giant princesses. Ainzley and Brijet were excited and loved watching him put the pink one together.

Uncle Shawn didnt mind the loss of sleep and all that hard work to make these once he saw those gorgeous smiles. Ainzley got her "cinderelli" birthday party , FINALLY. She has only been waiting since May when sister got a princess birthday party.

My neices are growing up, when asked if they would just stay this age forever they laughed at me and told me "NO".

Apologies on the side

I'm so tired of apologies on the side

She says what she wants and does what she will

And as I'm hurt walking away

You come and give me an apology on the side

Shes just in a bad mood you say

Her meds are changing and the mood is swinging

And your sorry she acts that way

You don't stand up and tell her calm down

You stand there and take it

And let her treat me to her liking

And all I get is an apology on the side

It's not fair for me to fight

For the father I desperately need

It's not fair that you don't care

And all you care to do is give

An apology on the side

Snapshot Sunday ~ ~ ~ Bing

This week was national clown week so Bing got to jump into clowning for the first time. This pic is of Bing with her older brother Sunny, he let her help with some of his magic stuff. You should see his magic it is wonderful. I hope I get to learn a lot from him.

We were acknowledged in Raymore for national clown week. This is the mayor giving us a decleration for it after a show we did. We had so much fun and the kids enjoyed seeing our show. We even made it to the Raymore website. They loved us. Even the mayor smiled.

I have got to get me one of these chairs, it was soooooo big. My littles neices and nephew wanted a pic with the best clown ever!!!!! We had such a blast with the kids at the Raymore party in the park. The kids loved us once again.

A group shot with a few kids thrown in there. Notice my A-bear in my arms, she is never far from her FAVORITE aunt.


OH! I love my friend Tater's car. She is an amazing clown and was very helpful in helping me get my costume together. It is a work in progress, but hopefully by clown school (which is in Feb) I will have a good costume complete just for me. My neice loved the ride in the clown car. Ainzley and Brijet really enjoyed watching my put my costume on and they watched intently as I put my makeup on. They were so intrigued and loved every minute of the getting ready for and the party in the park.

Bing had a great time performing and being able to make children laugh. There are so many more pictures and smiles to be seen. I cannot wait to learn more and do more shows. Of course Sunny will show me everything I need to know, since he is so AMAZING!!!

SummaTime

Since I havent been on much lately I thought I would write about my summer. I have had a blast going to the pool and hanging out with the kiddos. I love spending the night at my sisters house and playing with the kids. We take them to the pool and paint our nails and my sissie and I even get some alone time late at night when all the kids are in bed.

I have been on vacation this past week and have really enjoyed it so far. It has been nice to just relax and be able to anything and everything. We had the kids over for a sleepover, went to the pool, dressed as a clown and did three shows, played at the pool, chalked on the sidewalk, layed out at the pool, read some books, spend some time at the pool, went to a nightclub for a friends bday party, hung out at the pool and just enjoyed husband wife time. Did I mention i got to go to the pool a lot?

I will post pics of the clown shows as soon as I get all the pics uploaded and from other clowns at the shows. We even made it on the Raymores website for our show at the day care center. I really enjoyed clowning for the first time.

Alisa Maier

What is going through her mind as she is in a place she does not know? How is she dealing with a stranger in control of her? What is her mother going through? Is she asking the man to take her home? What is he doing to her?

This 4 year old was taken from her front yard by a stranger. She has been missing for a little more than 24 hours now. Where could she be? Who has her? She was just playing outside with her older brother and some guy decided he wanted her.

This makes me wanna scream and cry at GOD. How does he sit there and let this happen? How can he let this guy keep this little girl and not bring her home to her mommy? How can he let her be hurt and hear her cry?

This little girl was taken from Louisianna Missouri, right next to the Missippi river. Could he have already dumped her in the river? What are his plans for her? Why did the neighbors let the dark car circle the neighborhood for hours before he took her?

Why did GOD allow this to happen? I know we have free will and he decided not to interfere, but I cant help to question this? GRRRR!!! This makes me wanna cry. I cant help but to think of Brijet and what she would do. I would die if this were my little girl or one of my neices. I can do nothing but continue to pray.

So I am hoping everyone is praying for this little girl to be brought home safe and sound.

A Look Inside My OCD Head

I was driving to work last night and my brain was once again whirling like a tornado like it often does. I started to go into panic mode like normal and my breathing started to get faster and faster. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it would pop out of my chest. This is a normal thing for me. For whatever reason I have these "daymares" and I DONT like them.

I start to think about stupid things, like someone I love being in a car crash and the whole scenerio playing out in my head. I even cry like it is real. Or the whole scenerio plays out of me being raped and beaten, my heart beats really fast, I get really mad, I start breathing really fast and I can't make myself believe its not real. It really feels like it just happened before I started for work. I Have no idea why these thoughts happen and I feel that when they do I have to start praying. I have to pray that the one thing I was just thinking about wont happen to the one person that was in involved. I have to pray for all the loved ones I love and if I miss one then something will happen to them.

Sometimes I hate being in the car alone, it gives my brain time to create the tornado. I hate the tornado. It is always something. It is always horrible. It is always so REAL. Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the tornado in my head that I forget where I am. It is weird its like Im driving yet Im not really there.

ANyway there is a glimpse into my crazy whirlwind head.

Fireman John Glaser

A father, a son, a husband, a friend, and a fireman. This man woke up one day kissed his wife goodbye and went off to a normal day at work. He worked his normal shift that day, went on medical calls and fires, joked with his coworkers, maybe called his family once or twice. John went about his day like any other day, the only difference is he did not make it home. John died in a house fire before he could make it to bed that night.

Imagine seeing that fire cheif show up at your door on a day you know your husband is at work. Imagine being told your husband won't be coming home the next morning. Imagine telling your two beautiful children that daddy would no longer read them a bed time story or give them a piggy back ride.

Imagine sitting down to dinner and talking out the days events with your coworkers, dealing with some of the tough calls from the day. Hearing the bells go off as dinner is just filling up your tummy. Running out to the fire engine to run yet another fire, you've fought so many fires by now that you each know exactly what to do. Imagine being in a smokey house that you have never been inside and you cant seem to get the hose to go where you need it to go. Your partner leaves for just a minuter to untangle and get the water going on the hot stuff. Imagine being alone and scared and working hard with a full tummy. Imagine .

Your firemen find you and rush you to the er. The doctors can save the firemen, right? They can undo the smoke inhalation. They can undo the carbon Monoxide in your system. With enough wishing and hoping and praying they can bring him back. Imagine loosing a friend to a stupid reason, to such a nonsense thing that should have never happened. Never leave a brother. Never take it off. Imagine.

Imagine going back to the fire house and seeing all those plates on the table and not enough men to eat from them. Imagine going to sleep in the bunk room and seeing his empty bed, knowing he would never sleep in that bed again. Imagine you brother, your friend, your coworker, never coming to work a shift with you again.

Imagine seeing those beautiful children and not having an answer why you survived and their father did not. Imagine going home and being able to see your wife and kids and in the back of your mind you know John's wife is still explaining to their children that daddy is with GOD in heaven. Imagine explaining faith and love to these children. To a young person there is no reasoning, there is just daddy was here now he is not. How do you keep them believing? What do you tell those children that expect GOD to keep them safe and their family safe?

There are funds all over that allow you to give to this greiving family. There are so many ways to give to this family and to help them out. Just search his name, go to any Shawnee firestation and say you want to give to John Glaser's family.

Struggle

I continue to struggle with being married and living a good distance from family. I continue to struggle with friends that are not there (is there something wrong with me? do i not know how to be a friend). I continue to struggle with working nights and working so many hours of my life away. I continue to struggle with keeping my house perfectly clean and organized. I continue to struggle with accepting my husband for who he is. I continue to struggle.

BUT....
As I read a little of Derek and Shea Poe's blog I realized I have it easy. They were married and ran off to South Africa almost immediately. They wanted to make a difference and help out the families there that had nothing. They are miles away from family and friends and a world that they were comfortable in. They can only talk on the phone or internet with their loved ones.

I would love to have the courage to go a world away and help out people in need. I would love to have the life of these two young adventure GOD loving people. I cannot even be an hour away from my sister and her kids.

My point here is that I want so much to be somewhere and someone else. But I am so very blessed to be where I am and have what I have. I have a great paying job, a wonderful family, shoes on my feet (a few pairs ), clothes on my back (a closet full), groceries in the kitchen, and a walmart a few blocks away if I run out (AND MONEY TO BUY THE FOOD ), we both ahve a vehicle to drive where we wanna go, I have an abundance of kisses and hugs when I see the babies, a hubby to snuggle with, a church that wants to feed me, and a GOD that loves me more than I coule ever dream of.

I AM BLESSED.

now if only i could remind myself of this every day and stop with the crying and sadness

Snapshot Sunday ~ Spinning Ainzley

I found Snapshot Sunday through my sister, Tina Michelle, over at My Life As It Is.

This is my beautiful niece, Ainzley.
Ainzley LOVES to spin.

Her criteria for picking out clothing is always, "Something that spins!"

She also has to fix her hair!

Oh how blessed I am to have my sweet little Ainzley!

Life Changing...

I am ...

LOST

CONFUSED

SAD

LONELY

UNLOVED

UNWANTED

UNHAPPY

WONDERING WHERE MY LIFE IS REALLY GOING....

HURT

ANGRY

MISSING MY BABIES

JUST PLAIN UNHAPPY AND LONELY

I have it wrong

I am supposed to be the Christian here.... my sister is the lost and confused one and yet she has it so on the dot and correct and I, well, Im not really sure what is wrong with me.

She is grateful for all that she has even though so many things go wrong for her... I complain when the smallest things are wrong and most things go right for me. She appreciates and loves her husband unconditionally... and I seeth with anger towards him when he does one small thing. She can see that Christmas needs to be about something other than presents, she doesn't believe in GOD but still sees the need to make Christmas about family and love... I believe Christmas is about celebrating Jesus and love and family but I also think presents are a huge part of it.

I have so much to learn from her... not only what NOT to o with my kids but also how to love unconditionally... it is amazing that she does not know Jesus yet knows how to love like him (if only she could have that for her father and step mother).

I am sad that I have this nice place to live in (big enough for both of us and our carp plus extra space for guests) and yet I complain that I live too far away. I am sad that we dont have everything we want, yet both of us work full time making more money than anyone Iknow. Both of us are willing to work all the overtime we can (which is very easy to get where we work). We are able to pay all our bills, get the things we need, and even get some things we dont need. My husband loves me very much and tries his hardest to show me, he has his own way of showing me that doesnt always go with how I think he should.

So im gonna try harder this year. Im gonna try to see the good in everything... I wanna enjoy my husband instead of get angry with him when he does something different. I want to enjoy my life and my husband and my family.