Is it wrong to be jealous???

I want to be like those people at church... they perform on stage, they know each other well, they hang out with each other, their kids are friends...

I want to have that bond with other people, with other families and couples. I want to have bible study with other couples. I want to do coffee with other families and have that closeness with another woman that I see so much around me.

I want to do more for the LORD. I want to help out in the church and know everyone that attends my church. I want kids and parents to respect me and chat with me. I see so many people at Shoal Creek that fit into some click or another and I want that.

But I cant have that because I have to work every stupid weekend of my life. I cannot volunteer for anything anywhere because I have to work. I want to quit work and volunteer my life and time to the church and other foundations that help children.

I know, I know, I dont ever seem happy and satisfied... I am just wanting more and more and more. I feel like I am running in a circle and not getting very far. I want to move forward. I want to have a more fullfilled life, a more rewarding life.

Is it so wrong to be jealous of those people that seem to have all that I want and more. I am happy for them I just want that.

Im Bummed

Im totally bummed today and cannot seem to feel better. I feel like I am messing up a ton on this new job and I just cannot get the hang of things. I keep doing things wrong and as much as some of the guys up here are nice some are just not so nice or wanting to help. I kinda feel that I am wasting some of their time by asking questions. ERR!!!

I feel very unloved and unwanted and all alone at the very moment and I don't like it one bit I do not like it.

I am bummed and depressed and sad and wanna cry and well Im just bummed.

Fear

My church has been speaking about fear all this month. I thought I would share a few of my fears.

I have a horrible fear of death. I am always fearfull that I or someone I love will die in a very bad way. If I am home alone with the kids I walk into Ainzleys room all the time to make sure she is still breathing... I walk through the house and make sure the whole house is locked up tight like a million times... I usually keep my self awake until Wen and Michelle come home. I am so afraid that someone will break into our home and take the kids or me or (there are so many bad thoughts swimming around in my head). I pray so hard and for so long when I start to have these thoughts and yet I still get so excited.... my heart so beating so fast and hard I can barely hear myself breath... I try to hold my breath so I can listen for intruders... It is horrible

I fear that if I come home late at night I will find the house on fire with the kids inside and I will have to run inside and get them out. I have these stupid scenerios go on inside my head and I want so bad for them to go away. It's like I have a plan or at least a thought process for what I should do in just about any case.

I fear that I will run a call with my sister and the kids in a mangled car or any family member. Or that I will have to take a call telling my sister how to do cpr on her own kids. Or WOW!!! There are so many fears in my head that keep me awake at night... I pray and pray and pray and the fears always come back sooner than later.

I was hoping that by listening to all the sermons on fear... I would somehow come up with this solution and all would be fixed :( I did get some answers but I guess I was looking for a quick fix not something that might take a little longer.

So for now I will live with necrophobia and just keep putting my faith and life in GOD's hands and see what he really has in store for me and my loved ones.

Sometimes you just wanna be held

Ainzley woke up this morning wanting some snuggle time with mommy. So mommy sat with her and held her tight for as long as possible. They cuddled and snuggled and talked and just had some alone time. Ainzley enjoyed it so much. Then mommy had to get everyone else up for church... oops snuggle time ran a little late and we got to church right after it started.





After church Ainzley was so tired and hungry and needed some more snuggle time. So I snuggled with her and shared her juice and tv time. We cuddled and snuggled and had a few moments alone. She was all better. We had lunch and went off for nap time.





It made me think how sometimes I just need alone time and snuggle time with my Father. There are times I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out. It's like I need to sit in my Father's lap and be told that everything will be okay and that I am the only thing HE is focusing on at that moment in time. It feels good to just sit in silence and focus on HIM healing me.

If only I can feel that much better when I start to have those anxiety attacks over fear...

New Position

Well I am officially a system status controller... YAY :()

I'm not quite sure how I am going to like it. I am pretty sure everyone on nights hates me, thank GOD I am getting a day shift. I think there are too many drama queens in here and too many lazy people.... and they just feed off each other.

On the other hand there are quite a few very nice people up here. They will help me with anything I am having trouble with and they are very kind to me to my face at least.

There are also just a few people up there that think they are the queens of the world and people are dumb and should succumb to them. Okay maybe I am a little extravagant here, but it seems they are very mean to me and I have never done a thing to them. They act snotty and rude. Not very nice. I guess I will just have to be extra nice and try to teach them that kindness is the way to go.

I am now stuck working every single Saturday and every other Sunday. Although I will get to go to church every other Sunday I am still upset I cannot go every Sunday. I am tired of having to work weekends.... UGH!!!

Anyway good news... I will get to go to church with Shawn on Wednesday evenings.

There is my rant for the moment....

Chaz

My little, big man. I love you!

You are so very smart and in some ways more grown up than you should be at this age. You are so very sweet and kind and loving when you want to be. You love science and anything that you have to figure out.

You are the most amazing brother when you wanna be. It is just adorable when you cuddle with your sisters and read to them. I love when you share your snacks with the girls. You are such a good big brother.

I love being your buddy and hanging out with you.

I love you Chaz.

Ainzley

My little china doll. You are so cute

You have to have everything your way and your way only. You will scream and throw a fit if it goes any other way.

You have a strange love for shoes and feet. You are always trying to walk around in other peoples shoes and you love taking off your shoes and putting them back on. Again and Again.

You love food, just about anything that you can eat you will eat. You eat when daddy eats, you eat when I eat, you eat when mommy eats, you eat anyones food anytime of day. It is cute.

You love to carry your baby around with you and you love to play mommy. You will pet Chaz and BriJet when they pretend to be cats and dogs, you look so sincere when you do like you actually think they are animals. (Maybe it is just that you think they are weird).

You are truly an amazing little girl and I love that you love me. When you grab my face to kiss me it melts my heart.

I love you Z

BriJet

My little princess, BriJet. I love you so much!

You love to play like you are an animal, you get all into being a cat and a dog. We have to pet you and give you treats and have you do tricks. It is so incredibly funny especially when Ainzley actually pets you treats you like a realy kitty cat.

You are so excited about your party because you get to eat cake and get presents. It is very cute to hear you say all these words, and that you are going to have a princess party. I cannot believe you are going to be three soon.

I love when you sleep with me, cuz I can cuddle with you and you will cuddle back. I love watching movies with you and reading books with you. You are so smart and adorable and the worst part is... you know it.

You love to wear dresses and dress up like a princess. You love playing in the dirt and putting on lip gloss. You are truly a girly girl tomboy, if there is such a thing. You love to eat chips and salad and everything in between.

I love you so much Jett

I love my hunnybear!!

It is hard to put into words my feelings for Shawn. I love him so much and can feel it in my heart, yet putting it on paper (or in this case typing it) is hard.

I love it when he does stuff for me, he doesn't have to but he wants to make sure the day goes smoother for me. He will make a lunch for me and pack it before work. He will do my laundry for me. He will simply go shopping for me if I could not get to it. It's like all I have to do is say that something might not get done that I need done and he is doing it. I love that about him.

When I am not feeling well or just in a bad mood, he will try to make me feel better or just leave me alone until I start to feel better. He is so good to me. He will rub my back and fix me dinner. Shawn really is amazing.

I love the fact that he wants to be a hands on daddy. I hear so much about how women cannot get their husbands to "babysit" thier kids. I almost feel that I will have to beg him to go out and let me stay home with the kids.

He doesn't mind doing laundry and dishes and he LOVES to cook and bake. What more could a woman want. A man that loves kids, cooking, and cleaning. Okay saying he loves to clean would be wrong, but he doesn't mind doing it if it needs to be done.

Shawn is very smart and funny (so maybe some of his jokes are a little umm... strange). I love my hunnybear. He is so sweet and kind hearted and lovable and cuddly and cute and .... well I could go on and on.

I kinda miss him, with our schedules it is hard to get together. And when we are together it is run, run, run, to get wedding stuff accomplished.

Medic School

There is a new paramedic class that is about to start and I was thinking I might sign up. I could apply to be one of the students that gets a paid tuition. They accomodate well with a work schedule and the school would be paid for. The problem would be me having to work for 2 years after to pay back the school price.

I think I would be good in the class and it would really teach me a ton. Would I really want to work out in the streets as a medic though? COuld I handle being the one in charge of someones life? Could I handle dealing with different emts?

All the what if and could bes... I guess I will just have to pray about it.