Disappointed

I think I expect too much or long for something that just doesn't happen in real life. I long for a church filled with friends that love me and are interested in my life. I long for a church that I can go to and never wanna leave because we are talking too  much to all our wonderful friends. I long for a church where our friends call us and check in and see how life is going, especially when we are facing hard times. I long for a church where our friends would want to hand out outside of church, ask us to dinner and agree to come to our house to visit and have dinner. I long for a church filled with people that care about us.

I love my church. Well I love most things about my church. I love that it is big. I love that they preach to the unchurched. I love that my pastor uses his everyday struggles and life to express what he is trying to preach. I love that we get warm smiles and welcomes as we come in and that some of the ladies have fallen in love with Micah. I love that there is plenty of room to walk around and lots of comfy couches to sit in. I love that there is a fireplace and a private room to feed my baby, if I need. I love that many sermons are meant just for us, or just for me. I love that they don't pass the plate, instead we put our money in the boxes on the wall.

I have tried many things to get more involved and have more friends. I volunteered for about 6 months (until I was too pregnant to help anymore) serving coffee and it turned into a job where I met no one. I signed up for spiritual mentorship and I barely talk to her anymore and we never finished due to our completely different work schedules. I signed up to have a friend to walk with and she stopped answering my calls and texts after about 2 weeks. I found a Mothers Together group after I got pregnant and really got into it after I had Micah, it was great getting to know these ladies (well the little bit we were able to talk) but besides the days we met and the (what felt like forced) emails, they don't talk to me.

I feel most disappointed in Mothers Together. This year has been really rough on me because I had a baby and I had to learn how to be a mom and a wife and still be me. I also dealt with my little brother going to prison. I was completely open and honest with all the ladies and shared my struggles often, but I really never got a phone call or a surprise visit just to see how I was mantally. I feel like I was screaming for help and for love and all I got was the normal Wed worship where some take over the conversation and I fall back into the dinstance where no one can hear me. I know I can be a little hard to take sometimes, I have Micah with me all the time and now that I started working I can't go as much.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe what I do is not enough for them and they dont want to do for me. Maybe I am meant to be friendless and deal with my problems on my own.

There was a time where I thought we were going to get divorced and somehow I ran into a ladie at church that prayed for me. I love that she did take her time to listen to me. But I feel like, I wish, she would have taken the time to send me a follow up email or call me  sometime in that mess and check on me. I was 3 months pregnant and struggling with life and marriage. I could have used a friend to just check in.

I really do not know what is wrong with me that people dont or wont give me the time of day. I would love to make some awesome friends at church but I guess it just isnt meant to be. I'll keep trying and maybe one day I'll make lots of friends at church and I will LOVE going.

-Disappointed

Elimination Diet Day Eight

Well I ate a few white chocolate chips today (hey at least I stopped at a few) and I am seriously contemplating making some coffee tonight. I figure what the heck I still have the headache, but it is not near as bad as it was Sunday. Maybe I just still need to let everything get out of my system or maybe the headaches are from something else. For now just a little slip today.

Elimination Diet Day Seven

I had a small headache most of the day but it never got real bad. The hubby made coffee and it made me want some really bad, I don't know how much longer I can stay away from the yummy stuff (especially since I still have a headache).

Elimination Diet Day Six

I really did not have a headache for the first part of the day, but around 3 it hit me and hasn't left yet. I am so tired of these stupid headaches and wish they would just go away. I am not eating any of the food on the list and feel like 6 days is plenty to get them all out of my system.

O well maybe next week will go better. I will continue the diet and see where it leads me. Once I figure out the whole headache thing I am eating chocolate!!

Elimination Diet Day Five

I have been really good on not eating the foods I should not be eating. I have to say that I am proud of myself. I crave coffee more than I crave dr. pepper, which I think is weird.

Today hasn't been too bad. I woke up with a headache, but that may be because I didn't get much sleep last night and the boy woke up at 4am. Thank GOD daddy took him around 530 and rocked him back to sleep before he left for work or else I don't know how we would have functioned all day.

I have had a slight headache all day, it hasn't gotten too bad. I don't even think I had to take my tylonol today:) Hopefully I will wake up with no headache tomorrow and not have another one again.

Elimination Diet Day Four

Today the headache was very small, it only intensified a few times and went right back to just a dull ache. I did really well not eating any of the food, but I still want my pretzles. O and I found this huge orea ice cream/cake thing that made my mouth water, but I will not be eating that for a while (Micah doesn't like dairy too well).

I do have a bit of a headache right now and I hope it will be completely gone by the time I go to bed tonight, I might be up with the baby all night since he went to bed at 645 tonight and is now wide awake:(  So pray for me.

Elimination Diet Day Three

Did you know there are oranges in orange/pineapple juice? Who woulda thought.

Really I put orange/pineapple juice in my smoothie yesterday and started drinking a glass today when I realized I was drinking something on my "To not to" list. LOL

Today I struggled with a really bad headache all day, but luckily I have a loving hubby and he snuggled with a sleeping baby while I took a small nap next to them. Right now the headache is slowing going away and I pray it stays away, tomorrow I will not be drinking that juice.

I did manage to stay away from all the rest of the foods. I still want my pretzles and coffee seems to be a want right now.

Elimination Diet Day Two

I want to eat the white chocolate covered pretzels that were delivered by the boy scouts yesterday but I am staying strong. No chocolate, why did they have to come on the day I started this?

Today has been ok. I have not eaten anything from the list and didn't care that Shawn drank a dr. pepper at lunch. O I should say I took a drink of a smoothie that was made with banana.

I woke up with a headache. I had a headache all night long, getting up with little man was hard. The headache got worse and better throughout the day and tylonol didn't even begin to touch the pain. Thank GOD my hunny loves me, he let me take a short nap to try and relieve some of the pain.

Hopefully the headache is gone by tomorrow and I can just drool over all the yummy food I wanna eat.

Elimination Diet Day One

I have had a constant headache since Oct. 19th and it is driving me crazy so I have decided to do a little elimination diet to see if I can find the cause of these darn things. I figured if I started on Micah's half birthday I could remember the date a little better and stick to it. I plan to do it for at least 2 weeks and reevaluate to see if I should try it for longer. I will eventually start to add everything back in one at a time and see which one causes the headaches.

My foods that will be out of my diet are:
Red Wine ( I don't drink wine at all so no big deal)
Chocolate ( I LOVE CHOCOLATE )
MSG Products
Caffiene (Dr Pepper was my daily treat)
Aspartame (anything sugar free, I hate sugar free stuff anyway)
Cheese (Processed)
Sour Cream (So much for mexican food )
Processed Meats
Nuts (Not sure if this should include peanut butter)
Bananas and Oranges

Today went ok, I didn't have a problem not eating any of that even when I made myself a ham and no cheese sandwich. I do however have a HUGE headache and I really hate to see how the rest of my days will go. I thought the caffiene was helping the headaches before so we will see.

6 MONTHS

My little man is 6 months old today:) He is growing so fast and learning new things everyday. I just love his little face.

Celebrations

Back in October we dedicated our son to the LORD! There was a small service with other babies held at our church and it was very nice, even though my sister and mother were late:(

Micah had no clue what was going on but he loved playing with family, especially his cousins. His little suit was adorable and he didn't seem to mind wearing it.

Today, 11.10.11, is our 2 year wedding anniversary. I am so happy we have made it this far and pray everyday we have so many more years to celebrate. Micah loves having mommy and daddy home with him and i enjoy it as well. I love seeing how our life has grown and changed through the years, including all the dating years. We are encouraged through GOD to be great parents and amazing spouses.

I love my little family:)



Micah's first Halloween:)

 Daddy had to make sure we got a picture of his tail.

 Micah was a dinosaur. He enjoyed all the attention from being so cute dressed up.

 Mama might have been a little too happy for his first TOT!

 He looked so cute in his little costume

I just love his binky, now that he will finally take one (on his terms only)

I think I'll eat my toes!

Almost every diaper change Micah finds his toes and well they must look so yummy so he finds a way to get them into his mouth.

I take his sock off so he can actually suck on his toe instead of making his sock all wet. He likes that.

I must wait for his to be done sucking on his toes before I can snap the diaper back on. This is where he decideds to poop and I find myself in a poop fiasco:(

I love hearing him suck on those little toes, it is really cute. He just goes to town sucking on his big toe and he screams if you take it away before he is ready to be done. This boy cracks me up:)

I Think I'll Just Turn Eight This Sunday Instead Of Twenty Eight

I don't wanna grow up!

I don't wanna grow up!

I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!

That's it! I'm all done growing up. I wanna turn eight and have a big princess party and invite all my girlfriends and have a sleepover and dance to New Kids on The Block with my baby doll, Dylan Michael. I don't wanna pay bills, or deal with adult issues or be in charge. I don't wanna clean or cook or organize anymore. I wanna be free and play outside until I'm all sweaty and it's dark. I don't wanna care about new tires on the car or packing for our trip. I don't wanna be the strong one for my brother. I want my daddy to love me and want to spend time with me. I want to be oblivious to my daddy choosing his wife and their kids over me. I want my healthy Grammy to show up at daddy's house with a gift in hand and some hugs and kisses.

I simply do not want to be a grown up. It is not as awesome as I once thought it would be. There are too many tough decisions and things to do. So when you wish me a happy birthday on Sunday you will only have to say:
HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY !
I will only need 8 candles and it willl be a carefree day.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a daddy:(

I have a dad and he has been in the same place since I was three years old. He has been with the same woman since I was three years old. I was always a daddy's girl growing up, most likely because I was limited in the amount of time I could spend with him (and probably just to tick my mom off even more).  I loved being alone with my daddy since it was hard to come by and he seemed to enjoy our little trips to the store and such alone. I guess I always thought we would be close and he would always want to be a part of my life.

When I was 14 I moved in with my dad and by the time I was 16 he had kicked me out (this story is a whole post on its own). We really didn't talk or make up until I was 18 so it affected our relationship and that bond was gone. He has always put his new wife and her kids first. I should have seen it early on that he would only be a person that WAS in my life:(

Now that I have a son and I am married I don't really need a daddy but I want one. He barely showed up to my reception and had to leave early, it was like he didn't care that I got married. He never came to the hospital to see his grandson after he was born, in fact the first and only time he has seen him was when Micah was like 2 months old and that was just by chance because I went to the hospital to see my sister through her surgery.

I was my son to know his family and I want a daddy that cares for me. I guess I can want and want until I am blue in the face and he will still choose that woman and her children over me.  

It is sad that the only grandpa Micah knows is someone that is not even remotely related to him. This man cares so much for Micah he can't wait to take him fishing and hang out with him.

I guess the one good thing that comes out of it is that I don't have to worry about my son being around someone that chain smokes. In fact he is not around smokers at all.

Micah is growing:)

Micah Cree was born on May 12th of this year and boy does he look different than he does here. This is one of the first pictures of him actually dressed after he was born. Of course we have many of him covered in slime and goo but this seemed much more appropriate.

One month old here. Micah has learned to look at us and turn his head to sounds. He is staying awake more often yet still needs lots of sleep.

Two months old and just keeps growing. He is learning to hold his head up and respond to us with giggles and smiles.

Three months old and starting to sit up more oftern. He loves to sit in his bumbe and watch cartoons on the screen and he is holding up his head so well. Soon enough he won't need the bumbe to sit unassisted.

He is not quite 4 months yet so here is a picture from September 1st. He is very talkative and wants attention constantly. He can hold his head up well, lay on his tummy and keep his head up for a long time, smile, giggle, reach for things and actually hold things well and he loves to eat cereal when I give it to him. Micah is growing up so fast. He is already as big as his 11 month old cousin so I'm curious just how big he is going to get. Of course daddy is 6'3 so I'm sure Micah will tower over me soon enough.

I love this little guy with all my heart and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He puts a smile on my face everyday. He is coming into his own little character and I love seeing him blossom.

I am so in LOVE!

I never thought I could love someone so much. Micah brings a smile to my face everyday.

Those big blue eyes looking at me when he eats.

The smile I get when he notices me.

Love the giggle he has when he thinks I am funny.

The way he kicks up his feet and gets all excited in the morning when I reach down to pick him up.

The snuggling I get so much of since he is still so young.

I thought I knew what love was when my twin sister had her babies and I got to love on them all day long but now I truly know what she felt with each of her babies. I thought I could never love someone as much as I love Chaz, Brijet and Ainzley.

Micah brings a smile to my face everyday. I love seeing him, I love changing him, I love bathing him. I love feeding him. I love everything about this kid.

I most love seeing Micah get loved on by my first true loves: Chaz Brijet and Ainzley.

Daddy Love

Today was all about daddy. We played with daddy on the couch, he is so silly.

Then daddy had some computer stuff to do so I entertained him a little.

Daddy's nose sqeaks when you touch it, that is soooo funny:)

I really love my daddy!

After bath mommy let me hang out in my diaper. I love being naked:)

I hung out with daddy watching tv and snuggling until mommy said it was bedtime.

Cartoons:)

 Micah just loves to watch disney junior on the computer. He yells at the computer and giggles while watching.

Micah's first balloon:)

Micah was hanging out with daddy in the office where daddy keeps all his balloons so he decided to make him his first balloon.

Daddy sat right in front of him and blew the balloon up and started twisting and tying and turning it into something.

Micah watched in amazement and wonder. He was very interested in what daddy was playing with.

Daddy made the new doggie kiss Micah and then he let him hold the puppy and play with with him.

Since daddy will be precticing a lot and making balloons for shows all the time I think it's good Micah is okay with them around him. Now we will have to teach him at a very young age to not put them in his mouth.

Don't worry daddy is a prefessional clown and a paramedic so he is very careful with his balloons.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Sunny-T-Clown/134294966658520?sk=wall

Teething

Micah has been drooling a ton lately and gnawing on his hands like crazy and boy can this kid get grumpy.

I believe he is teething. I know it usually starts later but he is showing all the signs of teething. So I found some teething tablets and got some tylonal just in case. Then I went shopping and found some teethers.

Do you think I have enough?

What's on my feet?

I took off Micah's socks and put the animal rattles on his feet and I swear he looked at his feet for at least half an hour while we were in the car driving.

He just kept looking like "what in the world in on my feet and why do my feet make noise when I move them". I was laughing so hard I could hardly tell Shawn what he was doing.

Happy 3 months Micah Cree:)

3 months ago I was in the hospital trying to get you to come out and finally meet me (a week after your due date). In the end you decided it was all too stressful and you made the doctors come in after you. It was a stressful couple of days in the hospital trying to get you to eat my milkies and keep your weight up but we went home a happy little family.

Daddy drove in the right lane only because you were on the right side and he decided less than the speed limit was good enough. We got you home and picked you up out of your carseat and wondered what we should do with you next. For the rest of the night and most of the following week we layed you on the boppy and stared at you for hours. We just couldn't believe after 9 months you were finally here in our arms.

You were so tiny and needed so much of mommy and daddy. All we did was snuggle you and look at you. It took a while, but we got on a semi schedule and daddy went back to work and you just got bigger and stayed awake longer.

Now you are a chubmister. You have gained so much weight (which is no shock since you still eat like a newborn) and you grow an inch a day (okay maybe not a whole inch). Your face is fuller and your thighs are chunky and you smile so much now. Mommy loves to hear your giggle (which you do when you realize mommy is cleaning up your stinky).

I cannot believe you are so big and growing so fast. I love you so much and as much as I want you to stay small and my baby forever I am also looking forward to seeing you crawl, talk, walk and eat big boy food.

I love you!
Mommy

Frustrated

Frustrated

Sad

and Lonely

At the moment.

Want more friends.

Tired of working on all the days something is going on that we could go to as a family.

Tired of just going from day to day.

Want way more for Micah. I want him to have friends to play with and to know people.

Can't figure out what's wrong with us that noone wants to talk to us or hang out with us.

Frustrated with life.

Little man went swimming

I decided to take Micah swimming for the first time and invited lots of family. He didn't see, to mind the water at all and as long as someone was holding him or mommy was feeding him he was perfectly ok.

Of course Auntie Em got some self portraits of her with him and cousin Lori had to snuggle him for a bit. It was hot feeding him under that cover up but it sure did take a cute picture.

I hold him tighter

I have been reading these blogs about mammas that lost their little ones to SIDS and cancer and other uncontrollable things. I cry and cry for these poor mammas. I want so bad to go and give them hugs and hold them tight or bring their babies back. Its not fair or right to bury your child ever.

Usually Micah wants me to snuggle him all day and when I put him down he cries for me to pick him up again. Sometimes I think I just want to get up and clean or cook or organize and then I remember how some moms have lost their little ones and they wish and pray they could just go back to snugglin their littls ones again. SO I sit on the couch and find something interesting on tv and I snuggle Micah. I snuggle him for hours sometimes. One day he might not be here for me to snuggle and what will I have? No memories and a clean organized house.

So for those of you that have a little one, snuggle them. Snuggle them and let the dishes sit there. Snuggle them and let the laundry pile up. Snuggle them and munch on something small instead of trying to cook a big meal. I always manage to get everything done in time, the dishes and laundry might sit for a few days and the carpets might really need a vacuum but my baby is snuggled to his hearts content and mamma get those precious memories and feelings.

I wish I could help those moms that have lost a child. I wish I could bring back their babies. I wish I could explain why babies go to Heaven so early. I wish I could explain how GOD plays a role in all of this, but I can't . All I can do is read their heartfelt blogs and try to figure out how much pain they really are in. I can learn to snuggle Micah and let my OCD go.

I have realized, just in the last few months, that sometimes good things come out of bad things. Those moms have experienced the worst possible thing in the world and yet they continue to go on and let the world know about their babies. I pray for those moms and I learn from them.

Micah is growing

Micah is a little over a month now and Im enjoying watching him grow. I can feel him getting bigger and you can see his face getting fuller. We spend most days inside snuggling and hanging out but today daddy went for a walk with us and we had fun. He laid there and just enjoyed riding in his stroller.

I enjoy watching my little man snuggle with his daddy and I enjoy his daddy wanting to snuggle. I think it is great that Shawn will come home from work and take him to hang out with him so I can sleep.

Micah is starting to hold his head up and look at me. I love watching him grow and do more things but it is a reminder that he will grow fast and be going off to college.

Pictures are coming up and Im excited to see what we can do. I do not have many pictures printed since we live in the digital age now. I hope to print some of these from our photo shoot Tuesday .

Its about bedtime and mama is hoping to get more than an hour of sleep tonight.

Micah Cree Bullock is here

Micah was born via c section on 05.12.11. I was in labor about 8.5 hours when his heartrate got up between 180 and 200 so the doctor decided to do a csection because he would not have made it otherwise. I was a little sad my birth story did not go as planned but happy my little guy is healthy.

We have been home less than a week and we are really starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. It is a little frustrating at times especially with breastfeeding but we are learning. Daddy does great diaper changes and is really good at burping and mommy is great at snuggling and feeding.

I am really ready for visitors to come visit just so I can show him off but it really wears me out to have other people hold him. I feel comfortable with my mom and sister holding him but the thought of others touching him and holding him make me wanna throw up. I get real anxious.

Today shawns mom, Sandy, came over with her husband and they each held Micah. I was nervous and anxious the whole time they had him. I dont know why I am so anxious , I guess I just want my baby to be my baby and stay in my arms.

Life will get better and we will get into a routine as time goes by. For right now we are snuggling Micah all the time and getting used to him being here.

Overly pregnant and sad

I was due Friday and yet here i sit so pregnant i cant roll over in bed without using something or someone to get me started. I am ready to have this baby and get my body back.

My Papa passed away yesterday and I guess I'm still processing the whole thing. He was found in his apartment unresponsive and they rushed him to the hospital where he was found to have pneumonia. They started treatment and he began to show signs of improving, then he just died. I contemplated going to the hospital to visit him but as many times as I have been to KU I only knew where the ER entrance was for ambulances and wasn't sure I would be able to find my way around to park and go inside. I was afraid I would get all the way up there get lost and go into labor.

I knew I should have went to see him. The same thing happened to gma Lillian, Papa's wife, she spent about a week in the hospital. I told myself I would go see her tomorrow or the next day and then she died so suddenly. You would think I would get the hint and visit these people when they go to the hospital but I always have reasons not to go. When I don't go I get to regret it for the rest of my life.

I had a bad feeling Friday night. I couldn't sleep because I kept having a feeling that someone was going to die. I don't know why, maybe I it's just my OCD kicking in really bad again. I stayed up most of the night praying for my mom, neice, husband and our unborn baby. It never crossed my mind to pray for papa, he was doing much better and he was safe in the hospital. I wonder if I would have prayed for him would he still be alive? Would he have lived another day?

I am so glad we made a special trip to see grandma Schnepf, Shawn's grandma. She was the sweetest old lady ever and I loved going to visit her. We made it just in time as she passed away the day after we got home. I am sad to see that we have lost two great people in our lives and Micah will never know them. I wanted Micah to be able to meet his great grandparents and love on them and let him love on them.

The visitation is Tuesday for my Papa and here I sit 40 weeks and some days pregnant and have no idea when Micah will decide to come out. I want him out so I can hold him and love on him but if he stays in there a few more days I can go to my papa's visitation and funeral.

God is in charge of all and HE will decide how everything will work out in the end. I just need to relax and get some much needed rest while HE puts plans into action.

40 weeks

I made it to 40 weeks and now Im really done being pregnant. I want to hold my baby boy and get my body back. This waiting game is too much for someone that is so in control all the time.

We have everything ready. The crib, the bassinet, the carseat, the hospital bag, the diapers, the wipes, the clothes. We are sooo ready to meet our little man.

He is doing so good. His heartbeat is right where they want it. His movement is great and he responds to us when we mess with the belly. I know he is healthy and safe inside but I just wanna hold him already .

I am a little nervous being a first time mommy though. I keep thinking what if I don't do it right or what if I forget him or what if..... I hate thinking this but I guess once he is here all my fears will be relieved and I will just know what to do.

So cmon Micah we are so ready to meet you !!!

KCFD

I work for the Kansas City Missouri Fire Department and I just want people to know how much that company sucks. I have been harrassed by many people there and I have went to HR and supervisors and nothing is done about it. I have been harrassed in front of a supervisor and nothing was done.

Now that I have filed with HR they are saying I sexually harrassed them to explain the harrassment. This is crap. I hate this company.

I was MAST, the ambulance service and fire took us over. Since they have taken us over we have been short handed and treated like red headed step children. The ambulance crews are supposed to have total access to fire stations, this was the reason fire wanted to take over to put us in fire stations instead on the corners. WEll certain fire stations have signs up that say ambulance crews are not welcome. Certain firemen treat the ambulance workers like they are trash.

I cannot stand working for a company that could care less about their new employees. And the promised pension we were supposed to get, ya we arent getting it. They are taking our money and adding it to their pension and we cant touch it. And what company do you know that gives a pregnant woman a hard time for using the restroom a lot or walking around alot.

The firemen get to have their training classes while on duty so they are getting paid for it. The ambulance crews have to come in on their days off and do the training without pay. How are we ONE?

I hate this place.

Less than 4 weeks and counting...

Wow I am coming to the end of my pregnancy and I am getting really excited. I have had my baby showers and ordered the carseat and set up the crib and pack and play, there is still a lot to do but most of the things are ready for him to finally get here. I have really enjoyed this experience even though I have been really sick through most of it.

I still need to organize his room and hang up all his clothes and wash the remaining clothes that I just got recently. But his diapers are clean and he has clothes to get started with. I am so excited.

Last week at the doctor I was dialated to a one and my next appointment is Wed. I cant wait for them to check me again and see if he is coming early. I jsut want to hold him tight and never let him go. I cannot wait.

Thinking of Delivery Day

Do I sound mean when I say I don't want a lot of people in my room when I am in labor. I want my husband and my sister and if my mom wants to stop by I can handle that. But everyone else will just have to wait until he is out and they can actually see him.

I am watching "One Born Every Minute" and these ladies have all these people in their rooms aggrevating them while they are dealing with labor pains. And let me just say right now , while I am pushing noone will be allowed in. I don't wanna broadcast my privates to everyone.

I want my sister and my husband to see Micah come out, but I also want them to just let me go through labor. These people on this show are annoying the way they are asking every minute if they can do anything. Seriously when you are in that much pain you really just wanna be left alone so you can get through the contractions.

I just really hope people understand I will not be in the mood to have people filling up my room to wait out the delivery. But I will enjoy family and friends coming to the house after we are all settled into a routine, maybe give us a week home alone, to hold him and see him.

Oh and I should mention they should understand my OCD and the handwashing will happen a lot and if you are sick well no touching baby sorry. And yes we are breastfeeding and no I will not be using a bottle right away, so no you cant feed him. And yes I really wanna cloth diaper and no you cant just put a disposable on him because it will be easier for you.

Wow I think I am turning into one of those moms that everyone hates, but I dont care. This could be our only child and my only chance to have my birth and my child my way, so we are doing it our way.

7 WEEKS LEFT!!!

OMG!!!

I have only 7 weeks left to get everything done. I am so nervous and scared that nothing else will get done. I don't even have a carseat yet. YIKES!

I wanna meet my little guy and hold and cuddle him but at the same time I don't wanna stop feeling him move around in my tummy.

We still need lots of cloth diapers, I don't have near enough to start with. I need a dirty diaper bag and a pack and play and a carseat and bedding and ....... I still haven't organized his closet or hung up his clothes, I can barely walk into his closet. And his room is a mess. The carpets need cleaned and there is stuff everywhere.

BREATH!!!!

I know we have plenty and things will get done. I know I can relaxa and let things happen, but at the same time I'm freaking out.

IM FREAKING OUT!!! Seriously people.

7 WEEKS LEFT!!! Thats it!!! 7 WEEKS !!!

Love This Quote

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” ~Mahatma Ghandi

Ready To Be A Momma!!

I have 9 weeks to go. Just 9 weeks and I am so excited. I cannot wait to hold my little man and kiss him and hug him. I have his crib set up and some clothes washed, I am waiting to get all the clothes washed so I can seperate them all and hang them up. I want to put all the bigger clothes to the back of the closet so that I will know what is good to wear at what stage. I am thinking I will have a big baby.

I want to get the closet organized and get the dresser fixed up and ready to go. I am getting anxious to get all of this done so that all will be ready when he gets here. I cant believe I have to wait until the beginning of April to have my baby shower. I know you are supposed to wait but I want everything done and ready. I guess all new mommies go through this. If I had a toddler to chase around I wouldnt even have time to pay attention to all the needed to be done.

I am excited to see my neices interact with Micah. I cant wait to see Chaz hold Micah. I just want him here . But I know we must wait to meet him so that he will be totall healthy.

NOPE!!!

I was thinking everything has happened and now it will get easier and things will go my way.

NOPE!!!

My truck broke down on the way to school today. WE are supposed to go to the big baby sale and buy a ton of stuff but now we will be spending that money on my truck.

NOPE!!

Things arent going my way. Can I throw a huge tantrum now and hold my breath until I am given my way?

NOPE!!!

Guess what I am an adult and have to face tough situations and make the best of my world. O well.

At least micah is moving a ton lately and letting me know he is there . I mean it really, last night he would not go to sleep. I mean cmon get comfortable and let momma get a good nights rest. But really I love to feel him move, it lets me know he is still there and still alive.

30 Weeks and Counting

I think things are getting better. I had a few mental breakdowns last weekend and ended up missing a day of work because of it all. I think that everything just hit me at once and I kinda shut down. But I am better now.

I miss grandma Schnepf a ton. I know she was only Shawn's gma, but she was going to be the best great grandma to Micah and I loved , really LOVED, visiting her when we went to Iowa. She was the sweetest person ever. I loved to hear her stories about her life and learning all about her raising her 7 children. She was an amazing woman and man did she love the LORD with all her heart. I feel like I see angels everywhere now. Angels were kinda her thing. I know Micah will be watched carefully by his new guardian angel and that makes it all better.

I still worry about my little brother. I want to take away all of his problems and make everything better. I hate the position he is in. I hate having to only talk to him on the phone. I cry when I see his picture or hear that address go out over the air at work. I cant stand where he is and I want it all to go away.

I have had a rough pregnancy and Im still trudging through it. I failed the one hour glucose test and barely passed the three hour test. Doc says here is still glucose in my urine and now I have some protein in there too. I need to take it easy and watch what goes into my mouth. Apparently everything I eat has tons of sugar in it. :(

So Shawn and I are just trying to get through the next ten weeks so we can finally meet our little guy. I am not real anxious about getting everything anymore, I know things will fall into place and making a list helped a lot.

Word for the day: FAIL!

I had a small mental breakdown today. I think everything going on just caught up with me and I lost it. I was just getting ready for work and I started to cry. No I started to ball and it went on for about an hour. And then continued in the car on the way to work .

I am exhausted. I am tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I mean since I have been pregnant I havent had time to stop and enjoy this pregnancy. I wanna enjoy my baby boy and get his room all ready without stress. So much has been going on.

We had to make two fast trips to Iowa for Shawn's grandma. The first was our one weekend off that we had planned to do baby stuff. I mean I am very happy we went, because she that was the last time we would see her alive even if she was just comotose. But that was going to be the relax and plan baby weekend. Then she died on Valentine's Day and we had to make a day trip there on Thursday to bury her. It was a very long day, but once again I am so glad we were able to go. Grandma Schnepf was a very special woman and man did she love her Jesus. I am so glad to know that she is with Jesus everyday now and she will be a great guardian angel to Micah.

I think we have just been going like the engizer bunny since the last week in Jan and I am due for a small break. No more deaths or family situations pls. No more mean people and drama mixed with problems PLS. I want a break .

I am in need of some dedicated baby planning and baby talking time. I want to get Micah's room finished and buy the stuff we still need. I want it to be about me and Micah now. I want someone to focus on me. I want to not hear about or worry about anyone else but Micah for a while. I want life to slow down and please , pretty please, give me a small break.

This Has Been A Tough Pregnancy

Here is a list of all the issues that we have been through since we found out we were pregnant. Im am ready for a break. PRETTY PLEASE!!

-My hubby and I were fighting really bad when we found out we were pregnant.

-His mother started being really mean to me for no reason and tried to make him divorce me. That is still going on with us having no contact with her.

-I had two miscarry scares.

-My little brother had his baby and she was hospitalized for a while due to complications.

-The other two brothers found some major drama and trouble and we are still working through those issues.

-Mom went into the hospital for a week and now she has some medical problems that worry me.

-Miguel, the cat, died of cancer. He was Shawn's buddy for 13 years.

-Shawn's grandmother died after spending 2 weeks in the hospital in a comatose state.

-I failed the one hour glucose test and had to take the three hour one. We are still waiting on the results.

This is all just since we found out we were pregnant, this is not including all things we have been through since we have been married. UGH. I think these things are making us stronger but man would I love for things to get easier.

I hope and pray our delivery goes as planned and we end up with a healthy happy baby boy. I want so bad to be this cute little family that stays together forever and ever.

ITS A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow I am having a boy. WOW!!! I still can't believe that I know what I am having. I am so excited and happy that I can finally call my baby by name.

The gender party went great. A lot of people showed up and it was great to be surrounded by loved ones. It was a little crowded in my small house but people just sat close and never complained.

My little neice seemed a little upset that it was a boy. She said "NO GIRL". I thought that was so cute. I know they want a little girl to play dress up with and do all the pincess stuff with but they will be able to play with Micah too.

Oh ya. His name is Micah Cree Bullock. I am hoping he stays in there for as long as possible so that I can get this last semester of school finished. We will see.

Now on to buy all the little things I will need with a baby boy.

25 Weeks

Well I am just running through this pregnancy. I really thought it would go so much slower, but I guess through the stress of everything going on I am just not paying attention anymore.

Mom made it home finally, she is on a truckload full of medication and I need to get up to see her so that I can go over everything with her and get a medication list for medical personel.

Little brother is still in need of prayers, although I finally got to talk to him the other day and he sounded good. I miss him. I never thought I would actually say that.

Hubby and I had a date night last night, we went to our church for a marriage class (which we loved) and then out to eat at Zios. It was nice to go to the class, I met some other SAHM and found a group at the church for mommies. I cant wait to get to know some more ladies in this area.

In just over a week I will finally know the gender of my baby. I am so excited and cannot wait to go shopping. I will post as soon as I find out.

Im 6 Months!!!

I am finally 6 months along. I am so excited. I cannot wait to find out what I am having at the end of this month. I am so excited. In May I will have my little one in my arms and holding him/her tight. I am praying everything goes well and the baby is healthy.

I had a dream that I had a buy by c section at 26 weeks and he was 10 pounds with a head full of dark hair. I must have cried a lot in my dream bcuz I woke up sobbing. It was a wierd dream.

My mom is still in the hospital trying to get rid of her pneumonia and now she has diabetes and an irregular heartbeat. I am praying that she gets out soon and that she will be okay. I will have to make sure she stays on top of all her meds now.

My little brother is still going through his struggles and needs lots of prayer. I wish he didn't have to go through anything and I want so bad to make all things better for him. But this is all on him and he needs to find a way out. UGH!!!

So I am going to try to focus on my baby and my health and keep this little guy in there as long as possible. I am shooting for going over and delivering later than the 6th so that I can maybe finish up my semester. We will see.

UPDATE

My party is coming pretty quick and I am so excited to find out the gender of my baby. I cannot wait any longer it needs to hurry up and get here. I love that I have that to look forward to. I am so glad we chose to do it this way. Shawn is very happy that he knows and that he gets to do this little party for me and our family and friends. I hope it all goes well and the party is a success for all.

Mom is in the hospital with bilateral pnuemonia. I hope she gets out by the weekend, but we will see if she gets any better. I am stressed for her because I know she is not making any money while she is in the hospital. I know is sucks for her, but it was the only way to make her better.

My little brother still has major issues he is dealing with. I am heartbroken and lost over his problems and want so bad to take him away from it all. I wish I would've done better for him and gave him a better life. I feel like this is my fault. Like I screwed up my life a ton and made some bad decisions and didnt get the chance to show him how to live a better life. Prayers are the only thing that can help him now.

My other little brother has supposedly gotten a girl knocked up, but noone really knows if she is really pregnant since she claimed to get pregnant after knowing my brother for a week. REALLY??? I think the whole situation is stupid and both children need to be knocked upside the head. He is now living with her and her parents and not going to school. GREAT!

The other brother is ok. He is slowly reaising his kid with his baby mama and living off my dad. I feel bad for my daddy. He is working his butt off just to pay for his wife that doesnt work and he has to pay for my brother baby mama and baby. What kind of life is that?

I want to be like supergirl and save the world. I will start with my family and get them out of all the sticky situations they are in. I just want better for the people I love and cant stand the fact that I cant change anything for any of them.

My husbands GMA is in the nursing home and will not be able to get out. She needs help living and cant get the help living at home. Shawn and I are very sad and wish we could change things for her but maybe this is for the best.

Shawns real mother , should I say his egg donor, is a real piece of work. She is trying to start stuff by messaging friends of ours to ask about him. And why on earth does she need to know what his ex wifes last name is. Why does she need to talk to her or look her up. I pray she is not getting some drama started with us. She has done enough already. She refuses to apoloigize to him or me for how she treated me and she keeps talking trash on me to him. I mean cmon leave us alone already and live your own life. Better yet keep it going and make it to where Shawn will really kick you out of our lives FOREVER! I dont want that person in my childs life ever.

Shawn has had a cat, Miguel , for thirteen years and we got the news the other day that he has cancer and will not live more than 3 months. Shawn is heartbroken and trying to cope with having to put his little buddy down once the time is right. I dont know what to do or say to make him feel better, but I think I am doing ok. He comes home from work in the mornings and cuddles Miguel for a while before coming to bed and this seems to help Shawn. However Miguel has no clue what is going on. The vet says he feels no pain.

I will be 6 months pregnant tomorrow and it makes me feel like this is going way too fast and it needs to slow down a bit. I want to enjoy being pregnant and buying all the fun little things and get used to being a mommy before the baby gets here. Plus the delivery scares me a bit. :)

STRESSED and HEARTBROKEN

I am completely upset and heartbroken over recent events. I am lost and confused and angry. I cannot believe what happened and that I was lied to. I cannot believe that now we have to deal with this and my mother has to live with this.

I am not what will happen in the end but I just continue to pray that GOD will show the good to us. I am trying hard to not stress over this and just limit myself to the situation but I have anxiety issues and can get worked up pretty good. Sometimes I just start crying at the thought of it.

The doctor says to just focus on me and the baby because stress causes early labor. I feel like I have to be there for my family to lean on but at the same time I feel like I need to step away and take care of me.

I am praying that everything turns out good in the end and that one day everyone can put this all behind them.