Disappointed

I think I expect too much or long for something that just doesn't happen in real life. I long for a church filled with friends that love me and are interested in my life. I long for a church that I can go to and never wanna leave because we are talking too  much to all our wonderful friends. I long for a church where our friends call us and check in and see how life is going, especially when we are facing hard times. I long for a church where our friends would want to hand out outside of church, ask us to dinner and agree to come to our house to visit and have dinner. I long for a church filled with people that care about us.

I love my church. Well I love most things about my church. I love that it is big. I love that they preach to the unchurched. I love that my pastor uses his everyday struggles and life to express what he is trying to preach. I love that we get warm smiles and welcomes as we come in and that some of the ladies have fallen in love with Micah. I love that there is plenty of room to walk around and lots of comfy couches to sit in. I love that there is a fireplace and a private room to feed my baby, if I need. I love that many sermons are meant just for us, or just for me. I love that they don't pass the plate, instead we put our money in the boxes on the wall.

I have tried many things to get more involved and have more friends. I volunteered for about 6 months (until I was too pregnant to help anymore) serving coffee and it turned into a job where I met no one. I signed up for spiritual mentorship and I barely talk to her anymore and we never finished due to our completely different work schedules. I signed up to have a friend to walk with and she stopped answering my calls and texts after about 2 weeks. I found a Mothers Together group after I got pregnant and really got into it after I had Micah, it was great getting to know these ladies (well the little bit we were able to talk) but besides the days we met and the (what felt like forced) emails, they don't talk to me.

I feel most disappointed in Mothers Together. This year has been really rough on me because I had a baby and I had to learn how to be a mom and a wife and still be me. I also dealt with my little brother going to prison. I was completely open and honest with all the ladies and shared my struggles often, but I really never got a phone call or a surprise visit just to see how I was mantally. I feel like I was screaming for help and for love and all I got was the normal Wed worship where some take over the conversation and I fall back into the dinstance where no one can hear me. I know I can be a little hard to take sometimes, I have Micah with me all the time and now that I started working I can't go as much.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe what I do is not enough for them and they dont want to do for me. Maybe I am meant to be friendless and deal with my problems on my own.

There was a time where I thought we were going to get divorced and somehow I ran into a ladie at church that prayed for me. I love that she did take her time to listen to me. But I feel like, I wish, she would have taken the time to send me a follow up email or call me  sometime in that mess and check on me. I was 3 months pregnant and struggling with life and marriage. I could have used a friend to just check in.

I really do not know what is wrong with me that people dont or wont give me the time of day. I would love to make some awesome friends at church but I guess it just isnt meant to be. I'll keep trying and maybe one day I'll make lots of friends at church and I will LOVE going.

-Disappointed