I cry and I cry and I cry and I have no idea why. Alone in my truck all the way home or to familys house I cry. At home alone while cooking dinner I cry. I get teary eyed at work and have to stop myself from crying, I wanna cry almost all the time.
Is married life or life changing supposed to make me so sad. Am I really sad because I am married, or because I just moved out of my comfort zone, or because I am 26 and still working just to pay bills. Am I sad that I have no life except work, am I sad that I am not in school or working towards a goal. Am I sad that I sleep with a man instead of cuddling with my precious princesses everynight.
Maybe this huge life change is taking its toll on me.. maybe I am finally realizing just how much of a loser I am. Maybe I am missing my princesses too much. Maybe I am realizing that to my family (well some members) I am a nobody that deserves no love or attention.
I guess I just dont know why I cry all the time but it feels so good to cry. It feels good to let it all out and be alone. I wish I knew why though.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Marriage
WOW!!! In less than one month I will be Mrs. Shawn Bullock... I am nervous, excited, scared, happy, sad, emotional, and so many other feelings. I am nervous we wont get everything done and it wont turn out right. I am sad to leave my sissies house and lose the story bedtimes and whenever shopping trips. I am happy to be married and actually live with my husband and have a place of my own. Believe it or not I cannot wait to set up the bills and the checking and savings accounts... hopefully he will let me set it up and then give me his input (its something I like to do). I also cannot wait to clean up everything and organze everything... He can set up the kitchen, the spare bathroom, and the office... but maybe he will let me do everything else.
I know silly to think I am looking forward to the little things. I want to have little sleep overs with the girls and movie nights with the boy. Life will settle down and things will get a little easier... I have half my stuff at his house and half my stuff at my house and a ton of crap in my truck. Finally all my stuff will be in one place and I will be able to organize it all.
So less than one month for the wedding and we still have a few dollars to come up with and then the reception is just a few days past that and we still have some money to come up with for that. I hope we can make this all happen otherwise I will be sad.
I know silly to think I am looking forward to the little things. I want to have little sleep overs with the girls and movie nights with the boy. Life will settle down and things will get a little easier... I have half my stuff at his house and half my stuff at my house and a ton of crap in my truck. Finally all my stuff will be in one place and I will be able to organize it all.
So less than one month for the wedding and we still have a few dollars to come up with and then the reception is just a few days past that and we still have some money to come up with for that. I hope we can make this all happen otherwise I will be sad.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sad
I am so sick of hearing excuses and apologies on the side for people being mean and rude. It is unfair and disrespectful to yell at people and act a fool because you are sad or mad at another person. When do people grow up and realize that they need to act their age? I'd say over 40 means that you are not allowed to throw a fit anymore just because you didn't get your way. If you are upset at someone than guess what you should do.... go talk to them... don't throw a fit and throw things around your house and yell at other people and make life miserable for everyone else around you.
If you have a child please stick up for that child. It is your job as a parent to let no harm (physically, emotionally or mentally) come to that child. If someone is yelling at your kid make it stop... if someone treats your child wrong tell them to stop. Allow noone to treat your child wrong in no way. Stand up, be a man, take charge, and stick up for your child.
If someone is sad because of whatever resason... do not disreguard their feelings with nonsense. All people have a right to feel the way they do... just because you do not agree with how they feel about whatever situation does not mean you have the right to make them feel worse about it.
I am sick of people telling me to just get over it and live with it and grow up and forgive.... I am sick of not being important enough to anyone. I have feelings and I get sad and just because you don't agree with me on it does not mean I still don't feel that way. And stop telling me that they were just in a bad mood, or that's just how they are or their meds are messed up.
If you cannot be an adult and realize that everyone has feelings and everyone has a right to have feelings and that we are all adults and we talk about our feelings not throw fits than don't talk to me.
I am sad and upset and feel that there is just no outlet for me. Most people around me are telling me to just forgive and forget and let people treat me the way they do and just deal with the fact that that is how they are. Or they question why I am even upset and what ground do I have to stand on for being upset and maybe this person needs this or maybe this person needs that.
I am simply sad and feel that ... well that my world is falling apart and the people in my life seem to think I should not be sad.
If you have a child please stick up for that child. It is your job as a parent to let no harm (physically, emotionally or mentally) come to that child. If someone is yelling at your kid make it stop... if someone treats your child wrong tell them to stop. Allow noone to treat your child wrong in no way. Stand up, be a man, take charge, and stick up for your child.
If someone is sad because of whatever resason... do not disreguard their feelings with nonsense. All people have a right to feel the way they do... just because you do not agree with how they feel about whatever situation does not mean you have the right to make them feel worse about it.
I am sick of people telling me to just get over it and live with it and grow up and forgive.... I am sick of not being important enough to anyone. I have feelings and I get sad and just because you don't agree with me on it does not mean I still don't feel that way. And stop telling me that they were just in a bad mood, or that's just how they are or their meds are messed up.
If you cannot be an adult and realize that everyone has feelings and everyone has a right to have feelings and that we are all adults and we talk about our feelings not throw fits than don't talk to me.
I am sad and upset and feel that there is just no outlet for me. Most people around me are telling me to just forgive and forget and let people treat me the way they do and just deal with the fact that that is how they are. Or they question why I am even upset and what ground do I have to stand on for being upset and maybe this person needs this or maybe this person needs that.
I am simply sad and feel that ... well that my world is falling apart and the people in my life seem to think I should not be sad.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Marriage
Im getting married in less than 100 days and excited as much as I am scared. I cannot wait to wake up to Shawn every morning and go to bed with him every night. I am excited to do dinner and breakfast together and just plan our days together, sitting at home or running errands. I am totally scared of combining our lives though. I mean once we are married there will be a ton of compromise and do it our way not just my way. YIKES!!!
I keep looking at these couples that have been married for a substantial amount of time and I look for certain things that have kept them together. The number one thing I see in the type of marriage I want is communication and the willingness to work through anything. Growing up I was taught that if it doesn't work your way just leave. Or if you want something better just go for it. I think he was taught something different but just as bad.
I want a marriage that will last a lifetime. I want a husband that will stand by me no matter what and that is willing to work through anything. I want a husband that desires to be a full hands on father, husband and house cleaner (willing to help with all the house chores). I want a husband that wants to love me all the time, even in times of trial. A husband to show me how much he loves me on an everyday basis.
When I look at other couples I see the ones that have struggled the most have the most love. I get so sick of people telling me "o we NEVER EVER EVER EVER fight ... we have the most perfect marriage EVER"! What marriage is really like this? What marriage really works where there is never a fight or arguement? It doesn't . Someone is not happy in that situation because one person is always giving too much and not receiving enough.
I think about the couple that almost sold their house before realizing that they were truly in love and wanted to work hard at it. Another couple that went off and on for years before realizing it was true love and they were meant to be married once they were married it took work and communication and respect for each to make it work. Another that has decided that through any discussion or arguemant they will always work through it together and never go to bed mad. These couples that I see realize that marriage is hard work and that they both must have a dedication to each other. I admire this, I admire the truth and honesty that I get from these people.
I love Shawn whole heartedly and cannot wait to marry him. I will keep looking to these married couples that have been there and done that for support and knowledge.
I keep looking at these couples that have been married for a substantial amount of time and I look for certain things that have kept them together. The number one thing I see in the type of marriage I want is communication and the willingness to work through anything. Growing up I was taught that if it doesn't work your way just leave. Or if you want something better just go for it. I think he was taught something different but just as bad.
I want a marriage that will last a lifetime. I want a husband that will stand by me no matter what and that is willing to work through anything. I want a husband that desires to be a full hands on father, husband and house cleaner (willing to help with all the house chores). I want a husband that wants to love me all the time, even in times of trial. A husband to show me how much he loves me on an everyday basis.
When I look at other couples I see the ones that have struggled the most have the most love. I get so sick of people telling me "o we NEVER EVER EVER EVER fight ... we have the most perfect marriage EVER"! What marriage is really like this? What marriage really works where there is never a fight or arguement? It doesn't . Someone is not happy in that situation because one person is always giving too much and not receiving enough.
I think about the couple that almost sold their house before realizing that they were truly in love and wanted to work hard at it. Another couple that went off and on for years before realizing it was true love and they were meant to be married once they were married it took work and communication and respect for each to make it work. Another that has decided that through any discussion or arguemant they will always work through it together and never go to bed mad. These couples that I see realize that marriage is hard work and that they both must have a dedication to each other. I admire this, I admire the truth and honesty that I get from these people.
I love Shawn whole heartedly and cannot wait to marry him. I will keep looking to these married couples that have been there and done that for support and knowledge.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just need to scream and let out some frustration.
I need a girlfriend to talk to whenever I need an ear to listen to me. I need someone to talk about life with and help me when I am at my whits end.
Sometimes I feel like I cant go through this anymore.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I need a girlfriend to talk to whenever I need an ear to listen to me. I need someone to talk about life with and help me when I am at my whits end.
Sometimes I feel like I cant go through this anymore.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Just a Little CDO!
Because I titled this blog "Just a Little OCD" I thought I'd share a little bit of that side of me.
I must take a shower in the certain order every time I shower. It is a routine that must happen when I shower or my day is messed up. I have no idea why except maybe it is a control thing.
I must check to make sure I locked my truck at least twice before I go inside somewhere, I also must check to make sure my truck is still there (where I parked it) sometimes several times before bed and while I am visiting people. I have this fear someone is going to rob me of my things that I go overbaord. I check to make sure I have my phone and wallet and like every 5 minutes because someone could steal it from my pocket with out me knowing. I dont even carry a purse out side of the house in fear it will be stolen or taken from me. I have had my purse stolen from me once and my car has been broken into and all of my cds have been taken. I have been robbed once at work and had family had a burgler/rapist come into her house.
I guess most of my cdo (if it is true ocd you have to alphabatize it LOL) comes from past experience and television. Im not gonna lie, if I see it on tv I think what if that happens to me.
I check to make sure the girls are breathing often throughout the night, especially if I am the only one home with them. I worry so bad to the point of throwing up when I am home with the kids by myself... because I think someone is gonna break into the house and steal them from me. When we go out with the kids I watch them closely and have problems letting the 9 year old walk about by himself.
My brain plays out the scenerios I am so afraid of and my heart starts to beat out of my chest I tell myself what I would do if this or that happened. I hate it. I picture people I love all the time dying in front of me, me having to go to a car crash or drowning of a loved one, or me taking the 911 call of my familys emergency.
My brain just plays all the bad things out all the way, I start crying really believing it to be true. It is horrible, I have had these daymares be so bad as a man taking Jet or Zbear out of my hands and not being able to stop him. I hate having these and want them to stop so bad. I tell myself to stop thinking, I pray in the middle of them, I tell myself it is not real... I think this is the worst thing that I have to deal with. This and I want to stay home alone with the kids and not get so sick with worry.
Anyway just a few things I struggle with.
I must take a shower in the certain order every time I shower. It is a routine that must happen when I shower or my day is messed up. I have no idea why except maybe it is a control thing.
I must check to make sure I locked my truck at least twice before I go inside somewhere, I also must check to make sure my truck is still there (where I parked it) sometimes several times before bed and while I am visiting people. I have this fear someone is going to rob me of my things that I go overbaord. I check to make sure I have my phone and wallet and like every 5 minutes because someone could steal it from my pocket with out me knowing. I dont even carry a purse out side of the house in fear it will be stolen or taken from me. I have had my purse stolen from me once and my car has been broken into and all of my cds have been taken. I have been robbed once at work and had family had a burgler/rapist come into her house.
I guess most of my cdo (if it is true ocd you have to alphabatize it LOL) comes from past experience and television. Im not gonna lie, if I see it on tv I think what if that happens to me.
I check to make sure the girls are breathing often throughout the night, especially if I am the only one home with them. I worry so bad to the point of throwing up when I am home with the kids by myself... because I think someone is gonna break into the house and steal them from me. When we go out with the kids I watch them closely and have problems letting the 9 year old walk about by himself.
My brain plays out the scenerios I am so afraid of and my heart starts to beat out of my chest I tell myself what I would do if this or that happened. I hate it. I picture people I love all the time dying in front of me, me having to go to a car crash or drowning of a loved one, or me taking the 911 call of my familys emergency.
My brain just plays all the bad things out all the way, I start crying really believing it to be true. It is horrible, I have had these daymares be so bad as a man taking Jet or Zbear out of my hands and not being able to stop him. I hate having these and want them to stop so bad. I tell myself to stop thinking, I pray in the middle of them, I tell myself it is not real... I think this is the worst thing that I have to deal with. This and I want to stay home alone with the kids and not get so sick with worry.
Anyway just a few things I struggle with.
Monday, July 27, 2009
THE NEED TO BE SPECIAL
I grew up with a twin sister, 3 little brothers and a family with 5 kids that always hung out with us. I never felt that I got my special time with mom or dad or that I was ever given any individual attention. I always wanted to have more special me time with my parents but that never happened. I was grouped with my twin sister and my moms friends' 5 kids. I was always told to go play with the other kids, go clean with the other kids, go eat with the other kids. In school I was always compared to my twin and grouped with other kids.
I think I now have issues. Still when I chat with my parents I get interrupted by cell phones, grandkids, other kids, tv, computer. I still cannot get that special attention I want. I think I need counseling. LOL
If I want to talk with my mom alone and tell her about my life and wedding I have to take her out to dinner without anyone else and I still have to compete with the cell phone.
If I want to chat with my daddy on my own I have to take him and his family out to dinner and compete with all of them. Then it is all about him forever. UGH!!!
Am I a baby or crazy or something. I just wanna be special. I want you to pay attention to me when I talk and make me feel important (Act like you care about me and my life and focus on me for a minute without interruptions)
I am going to try my hardest to always make my kids feel individually special. I want them to grow up knowing that they are unique and special in their own way. I want to have mother/daughter and mother/son dates and have father/daughter and father/son dates also.
I love my alone time with my neices and nephew. I love being able to snuggle with just one and let them know they are my special little one.
I think I now have issues. Still when I chat with my parents I get interrupted by cell phones, grandkids, other kids, tv, computer. I still cannot get that special attention I want. I think I need counseling. LOL
If I want to talk with my mom alone and tell her about my life and wedding I have to take her out to dinner without anyone else and I still have to compete with the cell phone.
If I want to chat with my daddy on my own I have to take him and his family out to dinner and compete with all of them. Then it is all about him forever. UGH!!!
Am I a baby or crazy or something. I just wanna be special. I want you to pay attention to me when I talk and make me feel important (Act like you care about me and my life and focus on me for a minute without interruptions)
I am going to try my hardest to always make my kids feel individually special. I want them to grow up knowing that they are unique and special in their own way. I want to have mother/daughter and mother/son dates and have father/daughter and father/son dates also.
I love my alone time with my neices and nephew. I love being able to snuggle with just one and let them know they are my special little one.
Friday, July 3, 2009
What is it with people?
You find someone hurt or injured or sick and you call 911. This is all fine and dandy, help out your local citizens. But really does it end there, call 911 - tell them the address. Thats it thats all you do, really ??
How about walking over and seeing if they are still alive, if maybe you can do anything to help. Why not give the dispatchers a little more info, like is he breathing?, is he conscious? Have you ever thought that maybe there is something you can do to help while the ambualnce is en route? There are things dispatchers can help you do to help out the pt while help is coming.
I think if you are going to help... then help, really really help. If you don't care to help than dont call. Don't bother trying to show that you are an upstanding citizen if you really do not care.
O and by the way if you are standing right next to someone at a car wreck and they are on the phone with 911 --- why are you calling too? I mean comon people. We need the person sitting next to the injured person or maybe have the injured person call. We don't need 10 different people calling, it really helps more to have the ONE person call that actually knows what is going and and that ONE person who can stay on the phone with us long enough to help the poor injured soul.
JUST RANTING AND RAVING.
Dont even get me started on nursing home nurses..... WOW!!!
We will just say that I will kill my self before I ever let someone put me in one of those homes
How about walking over and seeing if they are still alive, if maybe you can do anything to help. Why not give the dispatchers a little more info, like is he breathing?, is he conscious? Have you ever thought that maybe there is something you can do to help while the ambualnce is en route? There are things dispatchers can help you do to help out the pt while help is coming.
I think if you are going to help... then help, really really help. If you don't care to help than dont call. Don't bother trying to show that you are an upstanding citizen if you really do not care.
O and by the way if you are standing right next to someone at a car wreck and they are on the phone with 911 --- why are you calling too? I mean comon people. We need the person sitting next to the injured person or maybe have the injured person call. We don't need 10 different people calling, it really helps more to have the ONE person call that actually knows what is going and and that ONE person who can stay on the phone with us long enough to help the poor injured soul.
JUST RANTING AND RAVING.
Dont even get me started on nursing home nurses..... WOW!!!
We will just say that I will kill my self before I ever let someone put me in one of those homes
Saturday, June 27, 2009
To b or not to b
Baptize that is.
I want to get baptized but don't want to get baptized.
I can't really explain why or why not just that I am really confused on the whole issue as with other religion related things. I feel that I am truly in awe of HIM and want to follow GOD for the rest of my life, but why should I make a big spectacle of it.
I know that Jeses was baptized and the Bible makes it sound important, but I know I am a new creation and HE knows I am a true believer and new creation, why should I make a show of it.
And then there is the part where someone will take my head and put it into the water. SCARY!!!
I don't know why I feel so confused about certain things... I mean I know what the Bible says about things and that is HIS word. I just don't know why I question so many things and can't do certain things that HE says we should do.
So should I get baptized or not? I think my fiance wants me to be before we are married, which is like a few months away.
Just confused
I want to get baptized but don't want to get baptized.
I can't really explain why or why not just that I am really confused on the whole issue as with other religion related things. I feel that I am truly in awe of HIM and want to follow GOD for the rest of my life, but why should I make a big spectacle of it.
I know that Jeses was baptized and the Bible makes it sound important, but I know I am a new creation and HE knows I am a true believer and new creation, why should I make a show of it.
And then there is the part where someone will take my head and put it into the water. SCARY!!!
I don't know why I feel so confused about certain things... I mean I know what the Bible says about things and that is HIS word. I just don't know why I question so many things and can't do certain things that HE says we should do.
So should I get baptized or not? I think my fiance wants me to be before we are married, which is like a few months away.
Just confused
And the best big brother award goes to ....
CHAZ..
He was so sweet last night ... him, Brijet and I cuddled up in my bed and he read Beemers a bedtime story (which in turn put me right to sleep).
He is so good with the girls most of the time. He will read to them or with them, he will swim with them and play with them. He will carry them or get them food or water (sometimes sneak chips and candy with them).
He truly is a great big brother! Now if we could just keep the girls from touching his stuff he would be an even better big brother.
He was so sweet last night ... him, Brijet and I cuddled up in my bed and he read Beemers a bedtime story (which in turn put me right to sleep).
He is so good with the girls most of the time. He will read to them or with them, he will swim with them and play with them. He will carry them or get them food or water (sometimes sneak chips and candy with them).
He truly is a great big brother! Now if we could just keep the girls from touching his stuff he would be an even better big brother.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tenth Avenue North -- Hold My Heart
How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You?
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my kneesFather,
will You turn to me
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid,
afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
So many questions without answers
Your promises remainI can't see but
I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You?
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my kneesFather,
will You turn to me
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid,
afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
So many questions without answers
Your promises remainI can't see but
I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your faceJust don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
I'll be by your side
wherever you fall
In the dead of night
whenever you call
Please don't fight
these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
Here at my side
wherever you fall
In the dead of night
whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
And I, I love you
And I want you to knowThat
I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your faceJust don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
I'll be by your side
wherever you fall
In the dead of night
whenever you call
Please don't fight
these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
Here at my side
wherever you fall
In the dead of night
whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
And I, I love you
And I want you to knowThat
I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Is it wrong to be jealous???
I want to be like those people at church... they perform on stage, they know each other well, they hang out with each other, their kids are friends...
I want to have that bond with other people, with other families and couples. I want to have bible study with other couples. I want to do coffee with other families and have that closeness with another woman that I see so much around me.
I want to do more for the LORD. I want to help out in the church and know everyone that attends my church. I want kids and parents to respect me and chat with me. I see so many people at Shoal Creek that fit into some click or another and I want that.
But I cant have that because I have to work every stupid weekend of my life. I cannot volunteer for anything anywhere because I have to work. I want to quit work and volunteer my life and time to the church and other foundations that help children.
I know, I know, I dont ever seem happy and satisfied... I am just wanting more and more and more. I feel like I am running in a circle and not getting very far. I want to move forward. I want to have a more fullfilled life, a more rewarding life.
Is it so wrong to be jealous of those people that seem to have all that I want and more. I am happy for them I just want that.
I want to have that bond with other people, with other families and couples. I want to have bible study with other couples. I want to do coffee with other families and have that closeness with another woman that I see so much around me.
I want to do more for the LORD. I want to help out in the church and know everyone that attends my church. I want kids and parents to respect me and chat with me. I see so many people at Shoal Creek that fit into some click or another and I want that.
But I cant have that because I have to work every stupid weekend of my life. I cannot volunteer for anything anywhere because I have to work. I want to quit work and volunteer my life and time to the church and other foundations that help children.
I know, I know, I dont ever seem happy and satisfied... I am just wanting more and more and more. I feel like I am running in a circle and not getting very far. I want to move forward. I want to have a more fullfilled life, a more rewarding life.
Is it so wrong to be jealous of those people that seem to have all that I want and more. I am happy for them I just want that.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Im Bummed
Im totally bummed today and cannot seem to feel better. I feel like I am messing up a ton on this new job and I just cannot get the hang of things. I keep doing things wrong and as much as some of the guys up here are nice some are just not so nice or wanting to help. I kinda feel that I am wasting some of their time by asking questions. ERR!!!
I feel very unloved and unwanted and all alone at the very moment and I don't like it one bit I do not like it.
I am bummed and depressed and sad and wanna cry and well Im just bummed.
I feel very unloved and unwanted and all alone at the very moment and I don't like it one bit I do not like it.
I am bummed and depressed and sad and wanna cry and well Im just bummed.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Fear
My church has been speaking about fear all this month. I thought I would share a few of my fears.
I have a horrible fear of death. I am always fearfull that I or someone I love will die in a very bad way. If I am home alone with the kids I walk into Ainzleys room all the time to make sure she is still breathing... I walk through the house and make sure the whole house is locked up tight like a million times... I usually keep my self awake until Wen and Michelle come home. I am so afraid that someone will break into our home and take the kids or me or (there are so many bad thoughts swimming around in my head). I pray so hard and for so long when I start to have these thoughts and yet I still get so excited.... my heart so beating so fast and hard I can barely hear myself breath... I try to hold my breath so I can listen for intruders... It is horrible
I fear that if I come home late at night I will find the house on fire with the kids inside and I will have to run inside and get them out. I have these stupid scenerios go on inside my head and I want so bad for them to go away. It's like I have a plan or at least a thought process for what I should do in just about any case.
I fear that I will run a call with my sister and the kids in a mangled car or any family member. Or that I will have to take a call telling my sister how to do cpr on her own kids. Or WOW!!! There are so many fears in my head that keep me awake at night... I pray and pray and pray and the fears always come back sooner than later.
I was hoping that by listening to all the sermons on fear... I would somehow come up with this solution and all would be fixed :( I did get some answers but I guess I was looking for a quick fix not something that might take a little longer.
So for now I will live with necrophobia and just keep putting my faith and life in GOD's hands and see what he really has in store for me and my loved ones.
I have a horrible fear of death. I am always fearfull that I or someone I love will die in a very bad way. If I am home alone with the kids I walk into Ainzleys room all the time to make sure she is still breathing... I walk through the house and make sure the whole house is locked up tight like a million times... I usually keep my self awake until Wen and Michelle come home. I am so afraid that someone will break into our home and take the kids or me or (there are so many bad thoughts swimming around in my head). I pray so hard and for so long when I start to have these thoughts and yet I still get so excited.... my heart so beating so fast and hard I can barely hear myself breath... I try to hold my breath so I can listen for intruders... It is horrible
I fear that if I come home late at night I will find the house on fire with the kids inside and I will have to run inside and get them out. I have these stupid scenerios go on inside my head and I want so bad for them to go away. It's like I have a plan or at least a thought process for what I should do in just about any case.
I fear that I will run a call with my sister and the kids in a mangled car or any family member. Or that I will have to take a call telling my sister how to do cpr on her own kids. Or WOW!!! There are so many fears in my head that keep me awake at night... I pray and pray and pray and the fears always come back sooner than later.
I was hoping that by listening to all the sermons on fear... I would somehow come up with this solution and all would be fixed :( I did get some answers but I guess I was looking for a quick fix not something that might take a little longer.
So for now I will live with necrophobia and just keep putting my faith and life in GOD's hands and see what he really has in store for me and my loved ones.
Sometimes you just wanna be held
Ainzley woke up this morning wanting some snuggle time with mommy. So mommy sat with her and held her tight for as long as possible. They cuddled and snuggled and talked and just had some alone time. Ainzley enjoyed it so much. Then mommy had to get everyone else up for church... oops snuggle time ran a little late and we got to church right after it started.
After church Ainzley was so tired and hungry and needed some more snuggle time. So I snuggled with her and shared her juice and tv time. We cuddled and snuggled and had a few moments alone. She was all better. We had lunch and went off for nap time.
It made me think how sometimes I just need alone time and snuggle time with my Father. There are times I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out. It's like I need to sit in my Father's lap and be told that everything will be okay and that I am the only thing HE is focusing on at that moment in time. It feels good to just sit in silence and focus on HIM healing me.
If only I can feel that much better when I start to have those anxiety attacks over fear...
After church Ainzley was so tired and hungry and needed some more snuggle time. So I snuggled with her and shared her juice and tv time. We cuddled and snuggled and had a few moments alone. She was all better. We had lunch and went off for nap time.
It made me think how sometimes I just need alone time and snuggle time with my Father. There are times I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out. It's like I need to sit in my Father's lap and be told that everything will be okay and that I am the only thing HE is focusing on at that moment in time. It feels good to just sit in silence and focus on HIM healing me.
If only I can feel that much better when I start to have those anxiety attacks over fear...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
New Position
Well I am officially a system status controller... YAY :()
I'm not quite sure how I am going to like it. I am pretty sure everyone on nights hates me, thank GOD I am getting a day shift. I think there are too many drama queens in here and too many lazy people.... and they just feed off each other.
On the other hand there are quite a few very nice people up here. They will help me with anything I am having trouble with and they are very kind to me to my face at least.
There are also just a few people up there that think they are the queens of the world and people are dumb and should succumb to them. Okay maybe I am a little extravagant here, but it seems they are very mean to me and I have never done a thing to them. They act snotty and rude. Not very nice. I guess I will just have to be extra nice and try to teach them that kindness is the way to go.
I am now stuck working every single Saturday and every other Sunday. Although I will get to go to church every other Sunday I am still upset I cannot go every Sunday. I am tired of having to work weekends.... UGH!!!
Anyway good news... I will get to go to church with Shawn on Wednesday evenings.
There is my rant for the moment....
I'm not quite sure how I am going to like it. I am pretty sure everyone on nights hates me, thank GOD I am getting a day shift. I think there are too many drama queens in here and too many lazy people.... and they just feed off each other.
On the other hand there are quite a few very nice people up here. They will help me with anything I am having trouble with and they are very kind to me to my face at least.
There are also just a few people up there that think they are the queens of the world and people are dumb and should succumb to them. Okay maybe I am a little extravagant here, but it seems they are very mean to me and I have never done a thing to them. They act snotty and rude. Not very nice. I guess I will just have to be extra nice and try to teach them that kindness is the way to go.
I am now stuck working every single Saturday and every other Sunday. Although I will get to go to church every other Sunday I am still upset I cannot go every Sunday. I am tired of having to work weekends.... UGH!!!
Anyway good news... I will get to go to church with Shawn on Wednesday evenings.
There is my rant for the moment....
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Chaz
My little, big man. I love you!
You are so very smart and in some ways more grown up than you should be at this age. You are so very sweet and kind and loving when you want to be. You love science and anything that you have to figure out.
You are the most amazing brother when you wanna be. It is just adorable when you cuddle with your sisters and read to them. I love when you share your snacks with the girls. You are such a good big brother.
I love being your buddy and hanging out with you.
I love you Chaz.
You are so very smart and in some ways more grown up than you should be at this age. You are so very sweet and kind and loving when you want to be. You love science and anything that you have to figure out.
You are the most amazing brother when you wanna be. It is just adorable when you cuddle with your sisters and read to them. I love when you share your snacks with the girls. You are such a good big brother.
I love being your buddy and hanging out with you.
I love you Chaz.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Ainzley
My little china doll. You are so cute
You have to have everything your way and your way only. You will scream and throw a fit if it goes any other way.
You have a strange love for shoes and feet. You are always trying to walk around in other peoples shoes and you love taking off your shoes and putting them back on. Again and Again.
You love food, just about anything that you can eat you will eat. You eat when daddy eats, you eat when I eat, you eat when mommy eats, you eat anyones food anytime of day. It is cute.
You love to carry your baby around with you and you love to play mommy. You will pet Chaz and BriJet when they pretend to be cats and dogs, you look so sincere when you do like you actually think they are animals. (Maybe it is just that you think they are weird).
You are truly an amazing little girl and I love that you love me. When you grab my face to kiss me it melts my heart.
I love you Z
You have to have everything your way and your way only. You will scream and throw a fit if it goes any other way.
You have a strange love for shoes and feet. You are always trying to walk around in other peoples shoes and you love taking off your shoes and putting them back on. Again and Again.
You love food, just about anything that you can eat you will eat. You eat when daddy eats, you eat when I eat, you eat when mommy eats, you eat anyones food anytime of day. It is cute.
You love to carry your baby around with you and you love to play mommy. You will pet Chaz and BriJet when they pretend to be cats and dogs, you look so sincere when you do like you actually think they are animals. (Maybe it is just that you think they are weird).
You are truly an amazing little girl and I love that you love me. When you grab my face to kiss me it melts my heart.
I love you Z
BriJet
My little princess, BriJet. I love you so much!
You love to play like you are an animal, you get all into being a cat and a dog. We have to pet you and give you treats and have you do tricks. It is so incredibly funny especially when Ainzley actually pets you treats you like a realy kitty cat.
You are so excited about your party because you get to eat cake and get presents. It is very cute to hear you say all these words, and that you are going to have a princess party. I cannot believe you are going to be three soon.
I love when you sleep with me, cuz I can cuddle with you and you will cuddle back. I love watching movies with you and reading books with you. You are so smart and adorable and the worst part is... you know it.
You love to wear dresses and dress up like a princess. You love playing in the dirt and putting on lip gloss. You are truly a girly girl tomboy, if there is such a thing. You love to eat chips and salad and everything in between.
I love you so much Jett
You love to play like you are an animal, you get all into being a cat and a dog. We have to pet you and give you treats and have you do tricks. It is so incredibly funny especially when Ainzley actually pets you treats you like a realy kitty cat.
You are so excited about your party because you get to eat cake and get presents. It is very cute to hear you say all these words, and that you are going to have a princess party. I cannot believe you are going to be three soon.
I love when you sleep with me, cuz I can cuddle with you and you will cuddle back. I love watching movies with you and reading books with you. You are so smart and adorable and the worst part is... you know it.
You love to wear dresses and dress up like a princess. You love playing in the dirt and putting on lip gloss. You are truly a girly girl tomboy, if there is such a thing. You love to eat chips and salad and everything in between.
I love you so much Jett
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I love my hunnybear!!
It is hard to put into words my feelings for Shawn. I love him so much and can feel it in my heart, yet putting it on paper (or in this case typing it) is hard.
I love it when he does stuff for me, he doesn't have to but he wants to make sure the day goes smoother for me. He will make a lunch for me and pack it before work. He will do my laundry for me. He will simply go shopping for me if I could not get to it. It's like all I have to do is say that something might not get done that I need done and he is doing it. I love that about him.
When I am not feeling well or just in a bad mood, he will try to make me feel better or just leave me alone until I start to feel better. He is so good to me. He will rub my back and fix me dinner. Shawn really is amazing.
I love the fact that he wants to be a hands on daddy. I hear so much about how women cannot get their husbands to "babysit" thier kids. I almost feel that I will have to beg him to go out and let me stay home with the kids.
He doesn't mind doing laundry and dishes and he LOVES to cook and bake. What more could a woman want. A man that loves kids, cooking, and cleaning. Okay saying he loves to clean would be wrong, but he doesn't mind doing it if it needs to be done.
Shawn is very smart and funny (so maybe some of his jokes are a little umm... strange). I love my hunnybear. He is so sweet and kind hearted and lovable and cuddly and cute and .... well I could go on and on.
I kinda miss him, with our schedules it is hard to get together. And when we are together it is run, run, run, to get wedding stuff accomplished.
I love it when he does stuff for me, he doesn't have to but he wants to make sure the day goes smoother for me. He will make a lunch for me and pack it before work. He will do my laundry for me. He will simply go shopping for me if I could not get to it. It's like all I have to do is say that something might not get done that I need done and he is doing it. I love that about him.
When I am not feeling well or just in a bad mood, he will try to make me feel better or just leave me alone until I start to feel better. He is so good to me. He will rub my back and fix me dinner. Shawn really is amazing.
I love the fact that he wants to be a hands on daddy. I hear so much about how women cannot get their husbands to "babysit" thier kids. I almost feel that I will have to beg him to go out and let me stay home with the kids.
He doesn't mind doing laundry and dishes and he LOVES to cook and bake. What more could a woman want. A man that loves kids, cooking, and cleaning. Okay saying he loves to clean would be wrong, but he doesn't mind doing it if it needs to be done.
Shawn is very smart and funny (so maybe some of his jokes are a little umm... strange). I love my hunnybear. He is so sweet and kind hearted and lovable and cuddly and cute and .... well I could go on and on.
I kinda miss him, with our schedules it is hard to get together. And when we are together it is run, run, run, to get wedding stuff accomplished.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Medic School
There is a new paramedic class that is about to start and I was thinking I might sign up. I could apply to be one of the students that gets a paid tuition. They accomodate well with a work schedule and the school would be paid for. The problem would be me having to work for 2 years after to pay back the school price.
I think I would be good in the class and it would really teach me a ton. Would I really want to work out in the streets as a medic though? COuld I handle being the one in charge of someones life? Could I handle dealing with different emts?
All the what if and could bes... I guess I will just have to pray about it.
I think I would be good in the class and it would really teach me a ton. Would I really want to work out in the streets as a medic though? COuld I handle being the one in charge of someones life? Could I handle dealing with different emts?
All the what if and could bes... I guess I will just have to pray about it.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Dispatch
Wow!!! This dispatch thing is crazy. My mind is completely fried and I am only on the third week. The people we have to talk to are not the easiest to talk to. Then you add the fact that you have to explain to someone how to do cpr or breath for someone they love.
Next we have to deal with our own crews... not the easiest task in the world. They are mean and hateful, yet sometimes very sweet. I guess I never knew how hard this was gonna be.
I am told I am doing amazingly well. My CTO thinks I have actually been a dispatcher before. I can handle primary very well even during the busy hours, I feel awful when I have to give someone a late call or take them off lunch. My call taking skills are improving more everyday. I am getting better at figuring out what to do on calls and how to talk to people and how to understand the slang people use.
WEll I have at least one more week maybe more then I will find out what shift I will be put on. This sucks that I had my schedule all figured out and now it is so up in the air. I feel like my life is all mixed up and turned upside down and there is no way to fix it right now...
Next we have to deal with our own crews... not the easiest task in the world. They are mean and hateful, yet sometimes very sweet. I guess I never knew how hard this was gonna be.
I am told I am doing amazingly well. My CTO thinks I have actually been a dispatcher before. I can handle primary very well even during the busy hours, I feel awful when I have to give someone a late call or take them off lunch. My call taking skills are improving more everyday. I am getting better at figuring out what to do on calls and how to talk to people and how to understand the slang people use.
WEll I have at least one more week maybe more then I will find out what shift I will be put on. This sucks that I had my schedule all figured out and now it is so up in the air. I feel like my life is all mixed up and turned upside down and there is no way to fix it right now...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Where do I belong
Sometimes, well most of the time, I feel so out of place. No matter where I am or who I am with I still feel that I just do not belong. I feel as though people are nice to me just because they feel sorry for me or wanna try to make me more like them. I feel that I am literally invisable pretty much every where I go. I wanna fit in. I wanna feel wanted and needed but in the end I feel in the way and out of place.
I wish I had the confidence I see in many people. I want to be wanted and invited. I wish my hunny and I had a handful of close friends that we could hang out with. Instead we do things just the two of us.
Do not get me wrong, I hate going to bars and places like that. Simply because I hate drinking and although it is hilarious to watch drunk people fall all over themselves, I feel uncomfortable around those people. I hate when drunk people hang on me and well I had the worst experience with a drunk guy once before so my guard is up. Anyway way off track... I don't like bars because they are icky and sticky and loud full of drunk people and worst of all they smell like smoke, almost to the point of suffocation.
I hate being in a huge crowded place, it feels as though I could be lost or assaulted at any given moment. I get so nervous in crowds that I start to hyperventilate. I know sounds crazy.
I love doing quiet dinners with freinds, but sometimes it seems hard to focus on the discussion at hand, especially when more than one conversation is going on. I love going to church but once again you have the .. are they being nice because they really like you as a person or do they feel the need to be nice because they are in GOD's house???
The friends I thought or think are my friends have such a hard time calling me back or messaging me back that I often wonder why??? DO they really wanna hear from me and chat and just get busy with life or do they intentionally ignore me until I just stop calling??
Is it me?? DO I put off this personality that noone likes? Do I tell bad jokes or make people feel unwanted? Do I pick and chose the ones that I will talk back with?? Am I too judgemental? Do I take things too personally?
Where do I belong? WHat am I meant to do? WHo are my friends supposed to be?
I wish I had the confidence I see in many people. I want to be wanted and invited. I wish my hunny and I had a handful of close friends that we could hang out with. Instead we do things just the two of us.
Do not get me wrong, I hate going to bars and places like that. Simply because I hate drinking and although it is hilarious to watch drunk people fall all over themselves, I feel uncomfortable around those people. I hate when drunk people hang on me and well I had the worst experience with a drunk guy once before so my guard is up. Anyway way off track... I don't like bars because they are icky and sticky and loud full of drunk people and worst of all they smell like smoke, almost to the point of suffocation.
I hate being in a huge crowded place, it feels as though I could be lost or assaulted at any given moment. I get so nervous in crowds that I start to hyperventilate. I know sounds crazy.
I love doing quiet dinners with freinds, but sometimes it seems hard to focus on the discussion at hand, especially when more than one conversation is going on. I love going to church but once again you have the .. are they being nice because they really like you as a person or do they feel the need to be nice because they are in GOD's house???
The friends I thought or think are my friends have such a hard time calling me back or messaging me back that I often wonder why??? DO they really wanna hear from me and chat and just get busy with life or do they intentionally ignore me until I just stop calling??
Is it me?? DO I put off this personality that noone likes? Do I tell bad jokes or make people feel unwanted? Do I pick and chose the ones that I will talk back with?? Am I too judgemental? Do I take things too personally?
Where do I belong? WHat am I meant to do? WHo are my friends supposed to be?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Love Hurts Sometimes
When you think you're in love
Look at GOD up above
And ask if it's true
Does he really love you
When he walked out
You tried not to pout
When you thought of
his love for you
Was it ever really true
Now that he's gone
You try to move on
He has a new life
While you're just his old wife
You try to be friends
But then it all ends
Cause he has to be a dick
When your kids are all sick
Now that your through
With the picture you both drew
Because the picture is torn
And the baby's not even born
So say good bye
To the long tie
That you both had
Because it was really bad
Now you have a new man
But he can't understand
That you have another love
And he's not your only dove
My sister and I wrote this in sixth grade sitting in our room bored one night...
I think we should have been thinking of other things than seperation and divorce at that young of age
Look at GOD up above
And ask if it's true
Does he really love you
When he walked out
You tried not to pout
When you thought of
his love for you
Was it ever really true
Now that he's gone
You try to move on
He has a new life
While you're just his old wife
You try to be friends
But then it all ends
Cause he has to be a dick
When your kids are all sick
Now that your through
With the picture you both drew
Because the picture is torn
And the baby's not even born
So say good bye
To the long tie
That you both had
Because it was really bad
Now you have a new man
But he can't understand
That you have another love
And he's not your only dove
My sister and I wrote this in sixth grade sitting in our room bored one night...
I think we should have been thinking of other things than seperation and divorce at that young of age
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Ummm stuff
I have so many thoughts running through my head but it seems hard to put it to paper. I want to let it all out but how do I say things without upsetting someone or making people think weird of me. It is funny how I can be so close to some people yet so far away and feel so alone.
I feel like I am in a room full of people and they no not who I am nor can they see me. I have so many thoughts and feelings about things and people and myself and still I cannot tell anyone. When you say something to someone it gets twisted and turned until it reaches someone else and then the fight is on between all kinds of people.
I want to be able to chat with a girlfriend about whatever and know that what we talk about stays with us. I want to have a best friend that will tell me when I screw up and remind me to talk about the good things as well as the bad. I want a friend that is never afraid to talk with me, someone that understands me and the world I live in. I want to listen to her life and how she deals with different stress levels and how wonderful her life is.
I feel like my life is so short lived, I simply work and spend time my hunny and the babies. Where is the coffee stops with a best friend? Where is my dinner dates with a girlfriend, where we both look forward to it all week long? Where is my girlfriend to help pick out a wedding dress with me? And tell me the ones that are gorgeous for the wedding I desire not the one she desires? Where is the girlfriend that will gladly help me plan my dream wedding no matter how simple I want it?
AHH!!! I just want a best friend of my own. I know I sound crazy, but I want it I want it I want it...
I feel like I am in a room full of people and they no not who I am nor can they see me. I have so many thoughts and feelings about things and people and myself and still I cannot tell anyone. When you say something to someone it gets twisted and turned until it reaches someone else and then the fight is on between all kinds of people.
I want to be able to chat with a girlfriend about whatever and know that what we talk about stays with us. I want to have a best friend that will tell me when I screw up and remind me to talk about the good things as well as the bad. I want a friend that is never afraid to talk with me, someone that understands me and the world I live in. I want to listen to her life and how she deals with different stress levels and how wonderful her life is.
I feel like my life is so short lived, I simply work and spend time my hunny and the babies. Where is the coffee stops with a best friend? Where is my dinner dates with a girlfriend, where we both look forward to it all week long? Where is my girlfriend to help pick out a wedding dress with me? And tell me the ones that are gorgeous for the wedding I desire not the one she desires? Where is the girlfriend that will gladly help me plan my dream wedding no matter how simple I want it?
AHH!!! I just want a best friend of my own. I know I sound crazy, but I want it I want it I want it...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Randomness
Today was a great day, besides the headache all day. I managed to get up in time to attend church and I rather enjoyed the speaker for the day. He was very funny and had some wisdom to share. I cannot wait until Shawn and I have every Sunday off so we can attend church as a couple. I got to see my daddy and help the girls adjust to him once again, he is not very involved in their lives so they forget who he is. Then I got some Jet and Jen alone time, much needed, much enjoyed.
I took Jet out, just the two of us, to get a new pair of tennis shoes. We went to IHOP for some french fries and sodas and then off to Target fot shoes. She insisted on bringing her own shopping cart and pushed it around the store, she even put her shoes in the little basket and pushed them up to the front. She had a clean pullup all day and managed to tell me everytime she had to go use her potty. My baby girl is growing up so fast :(
Dad was the same old dad. He just kinda survives in life and thats it really. I want more for him and I wish I could help him or make him happier, but I don't know what to do.
Shawn had to work today and it seems everytime I got to chat with him he would get a call and have to hang up. I feel a little sad and disconnected from him at the moment and cannot wait for him to get off of work so I can have a full conversation with him and tell him all about church.
Well my hunny is calling so I will write more later.
I took Jet out, just the two of us, to get a new pair of tennis shoes. We went to IHOP for some french fries and sodas and then off to Target fot shoes. She insisted on bringing her own shopping cart and pushed it around the store, she even put her shoes in the little basket and pushed them up to the front. She had a clean pullup all day and managed to tell me everytime she had to go use her potty. My baby girl is growing up so fast :(
Dad was the same old dad. He just kinda survives in life and thats it really. I want more for him and I wish I could help him or make him happier, but I don't know what to do.
Shawn had to work today and it seems everytime I got to chat with him he would get a call and have to hang up. I feel a little sad and disconnected from him at the moment and cannot wait for him to get off of work so I can have a full conversation with him and tell him all about church.
Well my hunny is calling so I will write more later.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I need a photographer!!!!!
I need a photographer for a wedding reception only. WE are getting married in Jamaica and we will use their photographer, now we need one for our reception. We are going to have a lot of family come in from out of town and really need some good pix with them. ANyone have any ideas on who to use? It would be in Shawnee Kansas area.
We also need caterers and someone that is capable of roasting a hog. YES !! I said roast a hog, thats what my hunny wants to do and well as long as I dont have to look at it I will be okay.
We also need caterers and someone that is capable of roasting a hog. YES !! I said roast a hog, thats what my hunny wants to do and well as long as I dont have to look at it I will be okay.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Wedding planning
This whole wedding planning is just not for me. It is mind boggling the things I need to think about to purchase for the reception. Then I have to make sure we have everything for the actual trip and wedding attire and dinner clothes... UGH!!!
There is the dj or sound system or whatever we use, the guest book, the food, the pig, the roaster, the fondue pot, the table linens, the table toppers, the rose kisses, the pen for the guest book, the clothes to wear to the thing, the clothes to wear to Jamaica, the swinsuits, teh flip flops, the .............................................
UGH!!!!! THis all seems overwhelming and getting Shawn to plan anything with me is getting hard. He tells my "all your ideas are so good lets go with that..." or "we can plan it later"...
Just wanted to vent for a minute
There is the dj or sound system or whatever we use, the guest book, the food, the pig, the roaster, the fondue pot, the table linens, the table toppers, the rose kisses, the pen for the guest book, the clothes to wear to the thing, the clothes to wear to Jamaica, the swinsuits, teh flip flops, the .............................................
UGH!!!!! THis all seems overwhelming and getting Shawn to plan anything with me is getting hard. He tells my "all your ideas are so good lets go with that..." or "we can plan it later"...
Just wanted to vent for a minute
Friday, February 27, 2009
Stop feeding the homeless booze!!!
I am pretty sure most people know this but I feel the need to say it so that maybe the few that don't can figure it out... When you give money to a homeless guy on the street he takes that money and buys the biggest cheapest vodka he can get. Liquer stores do not care about how intoxicated the person is or how much they need to buy food, they look at getting money from the poor guy.
If you really feel bad for the guy sitting on the corner near the plaza then give him the sandwich form your lunchbox or maybe a duffle bag to carry all his stuff around in or give him a coat to stay warm with. I really think we need to step up and do something about these guys. As an emt, I scrape these men off the streets at ten in the morning, yes that early in the morning and they are already so trashed they cannot walk straight. The regulars usually end up burning bridges at most hospitals and with most people that must deal with them. These men are human, they are GOD's children too. We should not have to see them this way.
There are so many mission centers and places for people to stay, many places have drop off sites so you can leave clothes and whatever else. I feel like the more money we give to these people the more harm they are doing to themselves. The more harm they do to themselves the more tax money we pay to take care of them.
Think about it, someone gives them just enough money to buy a pint and a six pack of beer. They might get some more money and score another pint or more and well that much alcohol in a day can harm your liver. They become so slobbering drunk that they fall down and pass out thus creating the need for an ambulance ride to the hospital. A day and maybe even a night in a hospital and then they can go to start all over again. Not only are we as a country paying for this guy to buy the alcohol we are also paying for him to ride to the hospital and spend the night. And maybe months down the road or even years we get to pay for him to be hospitalized for liver failure.
I am not saying shoo the homeless away, just be catious of what you are giving them. These guys need coats and blankets for the winter, maybe long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. They need backpacks or duffle bags to carry their stuff in. They need actual food, not money to buy food, but food to eat. Make them a small brown bag lunch and drop it off on the usual corner you see them at. Give them a bottle of water, dehydration is not so good either. Point them in the direction of free meals and places to stay maybe even small time jobs (althought most are homeless by choice and refuse to work).
After you look at all the wrong reasons to give a homeless guy money there are so many more reasons. Some are on numerous meds for various reasons and alcohol makes it worse, even if they don't take the meds. Just having a certain disorder can be seriously life threatening when you add booze.
So the next time you see someone standing on a corner begging for whatever, really think about what you are going to give him to help him out. Find out where they stay and bring them a sack full of food, or maybe a nice dinner a month instead of throwing money at them.
If you really feel bad for the guy sitting on the corner near the plaza then give him the sandwich form your lunchbox or maybe a duffle bag to carry all his stuff around in or give him a coat to stay warm with. I really think we need to step up and do something about these guys. As an emt, I scrape these men off the streets at ten in the morning, yes that early in the morning and they are already so trashed they cannot walk straight. The regulars usually end up burning bridges at most hospitals and with most people that must deal with them. These men are human, they are GOD's children too. We should not have to see them this way.
There are so many mission centers and places for people to stay, many places have drop off sites so you can leave clothes and whatever else. I feel like the more money we give to these people the more harm they are doing to themselves. The more harm they do to themselves the more tax money we pay to take care of them.
Think about it, someone gives them just enough money to buy a pint and a six pack of beer. They might get some more money and score another pint or more and well that much alcohol in a day can harm your liver. They become so slobbering drunk that they fall down and pass out thus creating the need for an ambulance ride to the hospital. A day and maybe even a night in a hospital and then they can go to start all over again. Not only are we as a country paying for this guy to buy the alcohol we are also paying for him to ride to the hospital and spend the night. And maybe months down the road or even years we get to pay for him to be hospitalized for liver failure.
I am not saying shoo the homeless away, just be catious of what you are giving them. These guys need coats and blankets for the winter, maybe long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. They need backpacks or duffle bags to carry their stuff in. They need actual food, not money to buy food, but food to eat. Make them a small brown bag lunch and drop it off on the usual corner you see them at. Give them a bottle of water, dehydration is not so good either. Point them in the direction of free meals and places to stay maybe even small time jobs (althought most are homeless by choice and refuse to work).
After you look at all the wrong reasons to give a homeless guy money there are so many more reasons. Some are on numerous meds for various reasons and alcohol makes it worse, even if they don't take the meds. Just having a certain disorder can be seriously life threatening when you add booze.
So the next time you see someone standing on a corner begging for whatever, really think about what you are going to give him to help him out. Find out where they stay and bring them a sack full of food, or maybe a nice dinner a month instead of throwing money at them.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Update
Well I managed to talk to my hunny and all is well, after some very hard discussions. Luckily we made it through and the wedding is still on and he recognizes my need for space and I am learning to help him with his trust issues. I guess once you have been hurt those little thoughts never quite leave the back of your mind.
We have settled on Jamaica for a wedding and honeymoon. I am so very excited, we are leaving KC on Nov 7th, getting married on Nov 10th and returning to KC on Nov 16th. I cannot wait, and already I am making a list of what to bring in my head.
Now to settle on the reception... !!!UGH!!! I am pretty sure we are having to reception in OP KS or something like that and I think it will be the last weekend in November. We are still not sure on what we are going to serve, wether or not we will have a dj or jsut play some cds. I don't know if we will make invites or buy them, I don't even know who all will be invited. I am not even sure what time we will have it or exactly what day.
What I do know is...
We will roast a pig and most likely serve foods that will go with pig-YUCK!
We will do the dollar dance and father daughter dance YAY!
I hope to have a white chocolate fondue dip thing, not even sure where to go for that.
We will play our wedding during the reception for all to see, and hopefully we will get to show off more pix from our whole trip.
We do know that we will move into his house for a few short months and then rent or buy a place, hopefully his mom gives us that bigger bed (a twin is too small). Um!!! Well Im sure there is much more to think about, he will just add me to his insurance for cars and health. And I think we will continue to go to his church for now, ..... So much to think about and plan.....
I am so ready to get to Jamaica and be married already, but I am not ready to leave my sissies house. I love living there and I love seeing the kids all the time. I am very afraid he will limit my time with the kids to a small amount. I want to see them grow daily, I don't wanna be a monthly visitor I wanna be a daily or weekly visitor. I want them to come over for sleep overs, and movie nights.
Anyhow that is my update. O Im sure I could ramble on for even longer but I must get some sleep tonight...
PS any good marriage advice is accepted graciously
The number one key I keep hearing is communication and the ones that arent afraid of affending me tell me to keep GOD as number one and your marriage is sure to have a head start!
We have settled on Jamaica for a wedding and honeymoon. I am so very excited, we are leaving KC on Nov 7th, getting married on Nov 10th and returning to KC on Nov 16th. I cannot wait, and already I am making a list of what to bring in my head.
Now to settle on the reception... !!!UGH!!! I am pretty sure we are having to reception in OP KS or something like that and I think it will be the last weekend in November. We are still not sure on what we are going to serve, wether or not we will have a dj or jsut play some cds. I don't know if we will make invites or buy them, I don't even know who all will be invited. I am not even sure what time we will have it or exactly what day.
What I do know is...
We will roast a pig and most likely serve foods that will go with pig-YUCK!
We will do the dollar dance and father daughter dance YAY!
I hope to have a white chocolate fondue dip thing, not even sure where to go for that.
We will play our wedding during the reception for all to see, and hopefully we will get to show off more pix from our whole trip.
We do know that we will move into his house for a few short months and then rent or buy a place, hopefully his mom gives us that bigger bed (a twin is too small). Um!!! Well Im sure there is much more to think about, he will just add me to his insurance for cars and health. And I think we will continue to go to his church for now, ..... So much to think about and plan.....
I am so ready to get to Jamaica and be married already, but I am not ready to leave my sissies house. I love living there and I love seeing the kids all the time. I am very afraid he will limit my time with the kids to a small amount. I want to see them grow daily, I don't wanna be a monthly visitor I wanna be a daily or weekly visitor. I want them to come over for sleep overs, and movie nights.
Anyhow that is my update. O Im sure I could ramble on for even longer but I must get some sleep tonight...
PS any good marriage advice is accepted graciously
The number one key I keep hearing is communication and the ones that arent afraid of affending me tell me to keep GOD as number one and your marriage is sure to have a head start!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Kate says it so well...
Yes I am totally and utterly in love with Jon and Kate plus 8. The children are amazingly beautiful and well behaved for the most part. Jon and Kate love each other to the moon and back again and still they argue and fight over dumb stuff. I love watching the episodes and I love watching them grow as a family. They are truly in it until end and nothing and noone will stop them. I love that they realize that they are not perfect and they just try, try, try. I hope to one day try that hard in my marriage (I think I am spelling that wrong).
ANyway I just finished reading her book (thank you hunny) and I found some really cool scripture to live by. It seems to work for her so why not apply it to my life...
Philippians 4:19
And my GOD will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning
Isiah 40:31
those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
I loved the six lessons she learned from GOD...
GOD is in control
GOD is gracious and strong
GOD can be trusted
GOD is love
GOD will provide
Give GOD the glory and praise
WOW!!! THis reminds me to open my bible more often and really read the word and soak it up. I need to apply more of HIM to my life, no I need to hand over my all to HIM. I, once again, will try way harder to just give it all to HIM and live through HIM.
Maybe I am rambling sorry. I just feel that those times I just relax and give my struggles to HIM, to GOD, I am so thankful and it makes it so much better.
SO here I am GOD. My life is in your hands and I am just your child obeying your commands. My relationship with SHawn is up to you, where we go with it is in your hands (I really like him LORD). My financial situation is at your door, tell me where to turn with my money and I shall obey. My work stresses are at your feet, please teach me to be whatever you have planned for me to be and I shall follow. My family is in your hands, teach me to preach the gospel to them without offending them (I do wish for my whole family to be saved). My friends, the ones I shall make and the ones I have, are at your fate; you choose who shall stay and who shall leave, who shall come into my life and who won't. My health is also in your hands, what you say goes with how I spend my days on this earth.
ANyway I just finished reading her book (thank you hunny) and I found some really cool scripture to live by. It seems to work for her so why not apply it to my life...
Philippians 4:19
And my GOD will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning
Isiah 40:31
those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
I loved the six lessons she learned from GOD...
GOD is in control
GOD is gracious and strong
GOD can be trusted
GOD is love
GOD will provide
Give GOD the glory and praise
WOW!!! THis reminds me to open my bible more often and really read the word and soak it up. I need to apply more of HIM to my life, no I need to hand over my all to HIM. I, once again, will try way harder to just give it all to HIM and live through HIM.
Maybe I am rambling sorry. I just feel that those times I just relax and give my struggles to HIM, to GOD, I am so thankful and it makes it so much better.
SO here I am GOD. My life is in your hands and I am just your child obeying your commands. My relationship with SHawn is up to you, where we go with it is in your hands (I really like him LORD). My financial situation is at your door, tell me where to turn with my money and I shall obey. My work stresses are at your feet, please teach me to be whatever you have planned for me to be and I shall follow. My family is in your hands, teach me to preach the gospel to them without offending them (I do wish for my whole family to be saved). My friends, the ones I shall make and the ones I have, are at your fate; you choose who shall stay and who shall leave, who shall come into my life and who won't. My health is also in your hands, what you say goes with how I spend my days on this earth.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I am thankful for...
I am so thankful for so many things in my life, at times I forget just how wonderfully blessed I am. I pray that I always appreciate everything I have and never take it for granted because I am undeserving of all that I have yet I have it.
I have a wonderful nephew, Chaz, that loves me with his whole heart. Chaz is smart and handsome and a really great back rubber. I love learning about his day and all the knowledge he has absorbed. I don't always show him and I don't always appreciate him, but I love him dearly and I am truly blessed to have him as a nephew.
I am so amazed at BriJet, my first neice. She is so smart and gorgeous, she loves to sing and dance and dress as a princess. BriJet thinks she is a princess and should be treated as such, I love this about her. I love her little girly personality and the way she loves on me when she has not seen me in just a few hours. I am so blessed to have her in my life and I am excited to watch her grow and turn into a beautiful young china princess.
I have a beautiful baby girl, Ainzley, the youngest neice. I love the little words that come out of her mouth and the excitement she shows when she sees me. I love that she hugs me so tight and gives me the biggest kisses ever. She is such a copy cat and wants to do whatever sissie and Chaz get to do. I am so blessed to be able to watch her grow and learn and turn into a gorgeous china princess.
I am very blessed to have a twin sister that takes such good care of me. I love Michelle to pieces, she does so much for me on a daily basis, I love that I can be such a huge part of her life. I love to watch her grow as a mommy and a wife and I learn so much from her. I am truly blessed to have someone so close to chat anytime I need (well with little voices thrown in there also).
I am blessed to have a BIL, Wen, that loves having me live in his house and never complains one bit that I am here. He is a wonderful man and a good daddy. Ainzley loves her daddy and cannot wait to him most days, which I love. I love living here with the whole SUN clan and wouldn't change one part of my life.
I am truly blessed where I am and with the little family I have here in this house. I pray I can always appreciate the little miracles I see in these kids on a daily basis.
Then I meet Shawn and everything just keeps getting better. I love Shawn a ton and although we have our times of trial I pray I always remember the things I love most about him. Shawn is an amazing man that has a wonderful heart. He loves kids and cannot wait to be the most hands on daddy ever. He loves the LORD with all his heart and he loves me that much too!
I love him because he does so much for me. He will give me a full body massage, even if I only ask for a back rub. He will cook dinner for me or go get it if I am hungry. He will get up extra early just to wake me for work and make a lunch to go for me. He will go out and start my truck to let it warm up before I have to leave. He says I can come to his house anytime I want just to watch tv or catch up on sleep (because at my house it is hard to sleep with 3 kids running around). He will get me flowers, cards , chocolate... just because. He does so much for Chaz, BriJet, and Ainzley because he loves me and he loves them. I am truly blessed to have a man like Shawn and I pray I can continue to acknowledge all the good inside him and not focus on the bad.
I am truly blessed.
I have a wonderful nephew, Chaz, that loves me with his whole heart. Chaz is smart and handsome and a really great back rubber. I love learning about his day and all the knowledge he has absorbed. I don't always show him and I don't always appreciate him, but I love him dearly and I am truly blessed to have him as a nephew.
I am so amazed at BriJet, my first neice. She is so smart and gorgeous, she loves to sing and dance and dress as a princess. BriJet thinks she is a princess and should be treated as such, I love this about her. I love her little girly personality and the way she loves on me when she has not seen me in just a few hours. I am so blessed to have her in my life and I am excited to watch her grow and turn into a beautiful young china princess.
I have a beautiful baby girl, Ainzley, the youngest neice. I love the little words that come out of her mouth and the excitement she shows when she sees me. I love that she hugs me so tight and gives me the biggest kisses ever. She is such a copy cat and wants to do whatever sissie and Chaz get to do. I am so blessed to be able to watch her grow and learn and turn into a gorgeous china princess.
I am very blessed to have a twin sister that takes such good care of me. I love Michelle to pieces, she does so much for me on a daily basis, I love that I can be such a huge part of her life. I love to watch her grow as a mommy and a wife and I learn so much from her. I am truly blessed to have someone so close to chat anytime I need (well with little voices thrown in there also).
I am blessed to have a BIL, Wen, that loves having me live in his house and never complains one bit that I am here. He is a wonderful man and a good daddy. Ainzley loves her daddy and cannot wait to him most days, which I love. I love living here with the whole SUN clan and wouldn't change one part of my life.
I am truly blessed where I am and with the little family I have here in this house. I pray I can always appreciate the little miracles I see in these kids on a daily basis.
Then I meet Shawn and everything just keeps getting better. I love Shawn a ton and although we have our times of trial I pray I always remember the things I love most about him. Shawn is an amazing man that has a wonderful heart. He loves kids and cannot wait to be the most hands on daddy ever. He loves the LORD with all his heart and he loves me that much too!
I love him because he does so much for me. He will give me a full body massage, even if I only ask for a back rub. He will cook dinner for me or go get it if I am hungry. He will get up extra early just to wake me for work and make a lunch to go for me. He will go out and start my truck to let it warm up before I have to leave. He says I can come to his house anytime I want just to watch tv or catch up on sleep (because at my house it is hard to sleep with 3 kids running around). He will get me flowers, cards , chocolate... just because. He does so much for Chaz, BriJet, and Ainzley because he loves me and he loves them. I am truly blessed to have a man like Shawn and I pray I can continue to acknowledge all the good inside him and not focus on the bad.
I am truly blessed.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Slowly Suffocating to Death
There is no air left to breath. My lungs are empty and nothing left to fill them up. I can't breath, I can't feel, I can't see, I can't hear. There is nowhere for me to go. I try hard to gasp at anything I can to feel that nice air in through my nose and ... Nothing. There is nothing. I am soffocating and the one responsible has not a clue. How do I tell him, I can't feel my fingers to grasp at him, I can't yell or scream at him to stop. I'm slowly fading and he doesn't see me. I long for him to realize and give me that one breath I need to slowly start the process of renewing my lungs...
I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".
I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?
If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?
I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.
I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.
I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own
I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".
I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?
If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?
I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.
I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.
I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The New Year!! and more :(
Well the new year is here and gone and it just does not seem that we switched years yet again. I had an okay new years eve, my fiance and I were supposed to attend a party and ended up just staying at his house because he didn't want to be around people. It didn't help that we had just had a fight an hour before the party was to begin.
Man this being engaged is hard stuff. Since that darn ring was put on my finger we have done nothing but argue and fight. He tells me all the time "well do you want this to be over, wanna break up"??? No you idiot I just want to be and let be. Que sera sera. I think is how it goes. I want to be in a relationship without jealousy, without vengence, without arguing, without fighting, without almost breakup talks, without stress.... But no there has to be jealous because he is jealous, there has to be vengence because he has to make everything fair, there has to be long talks and fights and arguments because he has to discuss how he is right and I believe wrong.
UGH!!!! So frustrating!! I am really starting to rethink this marriage thing. I asked him if we could just push the wedding date back to December so I had more time to pay off stuff and save up for the wedding, he wants to get married quick so we can have the honeymoon night... Who cares if we can do that or not, I want to have a memorable wedding and I want to be out of debt before that.
Well my new years blog went totally off track here. Yikes sorry!! All this frustration and nowhere to go with it.
I hope 2009 turns out to be way better than 2008 and even better than 2007. I guess I can only pray and see where this new turn takes me. Hopefully it will head me in the direction of school, maybe to be a preacher or a nurse or an electrician... You never know.
Man this being engaged is hard stuff. Since that darn ring was put on my finger we have done nothing but argue and fight. He tells me all the time "well do you want this to be over, wanna break up"??? No you idiot I just want to be and let be. Que sera sera. I think is how it goes. I want to be in a relationship without jealousy, without vengence, without arguing, without fighting, without almost breakup talks, without stress.... But no there has to be jealous because he is jealous, there has to be vengence because he has to make everything fair, there has to be long talks and fights and arguments because he has to discuss how he is right and I believe wrong.
UGH!!!! So frustrating!! I am really starting to rethink this marriage thing. I asked him if we could just push the wedding date back to December so I had more time to pay off stuff and save up for the wedding, he wants to get married quick so we can have the honeymoon night... Who cares if we can do that or not, I want to have a memorable wedding and I want to be out of debt before that.
Well my new years blog went totally off track here. Yikes sorry!! All this frustration and nowhere to go with it.
I hope 2009 turns out to be way better than 2008 and even better than 2007. I guess I can only pray and see where this new turn takes me. Hopefully it will head me in the direction of school, maybe to be a preacher or a nurse or an electrician... You never know.
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