There is no air left to breath. My lungs are empty and nothing left to fill them up. I can't breath, I can't feel, I can't see, I can't hear. There is nowhere for me to go. I try hard to gasp at anything I can to feel that nice air in through my nose and ... Nothing. There is nothing. I am soffocating and the one responsible has not a clue. How do I tell him, I can't feel my fingers to grasp at him, I can't yell or scream at him to stop. I'm slowly fading and he doesn't see me. I long for him to realize and give me that one breath I need to slowly start the process of renewing my lungs...
I cannot do a thing without someone looking over my shoulder and questioning me about it. I cannot breath, talk, walk, eat, shower.... nothing without someone there to watch over me. Okay so maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I feel as if I am constantly being watched "just in case I decide to cheat" or "just in case I am holding on to the past".
I really have nothing to hide. I wanna be open with everything. I want him to trust me. But does he have to log into everything I do online and read over it? Does he have to read every email between me and my friends (the few that I have)? Does he have to know everything I did inside the hour since he last talked with me? Does he have to know every detail of a conversation I had? Is it mandatory that he stand over me like a drill sergant when I check my emails and such?
If I tell him to please back off a bit, wow I have something to hide and Im holding on to my past and Im gonna cheat on him. If he reads this blog, wow not I tell everyone but him and he is sad. What do I do? Do I tell him to please slow it down? Do i change passwords and let him figure it out?
I want to be alittle more free and trusted. I feel as though he trusts me as far as he can throw me. Why must I pay for my past sins again and again. Why must I pay for his past. I have never cheated on him, nor have I ever given him a reason to distrust me. I just wanna be free and trusted and relaxed and have some me time. Have some friend time. Some email messages private to girlfriends.
I wanna take a shower by myself. I wanna pee in the shower. Yes I said I wanna pee in the shower. I wanna put shampoo in my hair and lather it real good and THEN brush my teeth, rinse it all out and THEN put conditioner in my hair and THEN and only THEN do I want to wash my body with soap, THEN I can rinse everything off and stand in there alittle longer just to enjoy the hot water before getting out into the cold.
I want to breath. I want to figure out a way to breath on my own without his help and still have him. He is amazing, I mean get up early to make me a lunch, always sleeping on the couch when I sleep over so I can have the bed, cook me dinner, pick me and take me to and from work, getting me a card and some chocolates for no reason at all except he wanted to, a backrub anytime I want, does anything for me family.... the list goes on. There are so many wonderful qualities... I love this man to pieces please just let me breath on my own
2 comments:
I am sorry it is so hard. I am not sure what you guys can do to make it better. Have you tried a real heart felt letter? That always worked for Wen and me.
What is the deal with the description of the shower though? LOL
I am the one suffocating my man and trying hard to let go and ease up. Thank you for your post to remind me to back off and let him breath.
Just some words of encouragement. Marriage can be a very difficult thing at times. When you step back and take a look, it's two sinners coming together. We as sinners tend to focus on ourselves and what makes us happy. The key to your relationship is making sure that your relationship with God is right. We have continously rebelled against God and broken His laws. Lying, stealing, lusting after other people, and taking His name in vain. Yet, though we are wretched sinners deserving nothing but God's wrath the Bible says that God showed His love towards us in that while we were yet sinners He sent Christ to die for us. When you realize what you have been forgiven and saved from your relationship with your fiance will be completely different. Christ stopped breathing on the cross for you and your sins. Forgive because you have been forgiven much.
I've been married for over seven years and was just saved about three years ago. My wife is still an unbeliever. At times it is a struggle. I love Christ more than anything, and am trusting in Him for her salvation. At this point in time she is just too much in love with her sins. God has grown me in this relationship with her. I'm relying on Him. I love her more now than I could before I was saved. The reason being is because I know that she is a gift from God. He has shown me much love, I'm the one who constantly spit in His face and shook my fist at Him with all of my sin, but by His amazing grace He stilled saved me. He loved me the unlovable one. And when I repneted(turned from my sin) and trusted in Christ He saved me. So I've learned that even though some times my wife can do some things to get under my skin, I need to remember the cross. I've done much worse to Him.
Stay in the Word everyday. Thank God in prayer for your fiance. Ask Him for wisdom when it comes to your relationship. Do these things to glorify your Father in heaven. A great book that helped me is called "When Sinners Say I Do" it's by Dave Harvey. I would highly recommend this book. You and your fiance will be in my prayers. Also check out wayofthemaster.com
God bless!!
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