Sometimes, well most of the time, I feel so out of place. No matter where I am or who I am with I still feel that I just do not belong. I feel as though people are nice to me just because they feel sorry for me or wanna try to make me more like them. I feel that I am literally invisable pretty much every where I go. I wanna fit in. I wanna feel wanted and needed but in the end I feel in the way and out of place.
I wish I had the confidence I see in many people. I want to be wanted and invited. I wish my hunny and I had a handful of close friends that we could hang out with. Instead we do things just the two of us.
Do not get me wrong, I hate going to bars and places like that. Simply because I hate drinking and although it is hilarious to watch drunk people fall all over themselves, I feel uncomfortable around those people. I hate when drunk people hang on me and well I had the worst experience with a drunk guy once before so my guard is up. Anyway way off track... I don't like bars because they are icky and sticky and loud full of drunk people and worst of all they smell like smoke, almost to the point of suffocation.
I hate being in a huge crowded place, it feels as though I could be lost or assaulted at any given moment. I get so nervous in crowds that I start to hyperventilate. I know sounds crazy.
I love doing quiet dinners with freinds, but sometimes it seems hard to focus on the discussion at hand, especially when more than one conversation is going on. I love going to church but once again you have the .. are they being nice because they really like you as a person or do they feel the need to be nice because they are in GOD's house???
The friends I thought or think are my friends have such a hard time calling me back or messaging me back that I often wonder why??? DO they really wanna hear from me and chat and just get busy with life or do they intentionally ignore me until I just stop calling??
Is it me?? DO I put off this personality that noone likes? Do I tell bad jokes or make people feel unwanted? Do I pick and chose the ones that I will talk back with?? Am I too judgemental? Do I take things too personally?
Where do I belong? WHat am I meant to do? WHo are my friends supposed to be?
1 comment:
It would help if you would stop picking your nose and eating them...
I kid, I kid. You have to search for what you want and hold fast to it. I have a handful of friends and that is all. I can count on those few people. I also have associates who I can chat with and hang with but not count on in a pinch. Wen and I just now found a nice couple we both like to hang with...11 years later.
I think you and Shawn will have friends who you like better and some he likes better but it will take a while to find some you both like. You will meet more mutual friends as you start living together, going to church together (if possible with your schedules) and living in your neighborhood.
It also helps if you stop thinking of things like this, the "am I not good enough" "is he just being nice out of pity" and so on. YOu have to keep an open mind and realize that people are just busy. Sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard to be a friend and then I realize that they are busy.
I am your true friend. I will always be your true friend. We will have more time to go to lunch alone when the kids are a bit older and can hang with someone without so much neediness. IN fact, mom can watch them soon so you and I can do lunch. Maybe Sunday. I am thinking I have something to do sunday but cannot remember what....better ask mom before planning a date with you huh??
Post a Comment