Fear

My church has been speaking about fear all this month. I thought I would share a few of my fears.

I have a horrible fear of death. I am always fearfull that I or someone I love will die in a very bad way. If I am home alone with the kids I walk into Ainzleys room all the time to make sure she is still breathing... I walk through the house and make sure the whole house is locked up tight like a million times... I usually keep my self awake until Wen and Michelle come home. I am so afraid that someone will break into our home and take the kids or me or (there are so many bad thoughts swimming around in my head). I pray so hard and for so long when I start to have these thoughts and yet I still get so excited.... my heart so beating so fast and hard I can barely hear myself breath... I try to hold my breath so I can listen for intruders... It is horrible

I fear that if I come home late at night I will find the house on fire with the kids inside and I will have to run inside and get them out. I have these stupid scenerios go on inside my head and I want so bad for them to go away. It's like I have a plan or at least a thought process for what I should do in just about any case.

I fear that I will run a call with my sister and the kids in a mangled car or any family member. Or that I will have to take a call telling my sister how to do cpr on her own kids. Or WOW!!! There are so many fears in my head that keep me awake at night... I pray and pray and pray and the fears always come back sooner than later.

I was hoping that by listening to all the sermons on fear... I would somehow come up with this solution and all would be fixed :( I did get some answers but I guess I was looking for a quick fix not something that might take a little longer.

So for now I will live with necrophobia and just keep putting my faith and life in GOD's hands and see what he really has in store for me and my loved ones.